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This diary entry is written by ‹RushingStars★›. ( View all entries )
Previous entry: Diary 10 October 2011 in category (general)

My LifeCategory: (general)
Thursday, 13 October 2011
12:43:42 AM (GMT)
I just want to do things, to feel like I accomplished something in my life, to go to
bed at the end of the day knowing I did everything I could to have a great day. Being
on the stage crew for my school play has really helped that; I'm constantly around
these theater kids and stage techies and on the stage and backstage, and it makes me
feel closer to my brother. And I absolutely love it. Days when I don't have stage
crew with the cast just makes me feel....empty inside. I don't know why. I feel like
I need to do more, like I need to be around these people more often. I feel like I
just don't belong backstage building sets. I want so badly to be the one performing,
to be singing or acting on stage. I want, I need someone to tell me-and mean it-that
I belong on that stage. I want to be a part of what my brother was a part of,
and I want to be with these kids. These are my kinds of people; not sporty, not so
full of teenage drama. We just get together at the end of the day and share a common
interest: Performing. I need to be a part of that. The only thing stopping me is
fear. I'm so afraid that if I audition for the musical that I will do terrible.
They'll tell me to sing, and my voice will crack or sound flat or just all around
bad, or I'll be so nervous I can barely sing at all. I'm afraid that they'll tell me
to dance, and I'll forget every step or do it wrong and just look bad. And I have no
idea if I'm a good actress or not. Maybe I'm not good at that either. I just wish I
knew if I had some of that talent. I can sing and act silly and crazy and outgoing in
front of my friends, I can goof around and look confident, but that's because nobody
cares if I mess up or look stupid. On the stage, I really have to put in 100% and try
my best do my best. If I mess up or look bad onstage, or if I sing badly or forget
the dance steps, that reflects badly on the school and the rest of the actors. We're
known for our theater department. I mean yeah, not everyone is a professional. But I
don't want to put myself out there and look dumb. I know the only thing stopping me,
the only thing that would mess me up is the fear of messing up. But I can't help
that. It's in my nature to worry, to worry about if I look like a complete idiot in
front of a bunch of people. I hate being embarrassed, and I'm afraid that I might
mess up onstage and get so flustered I'll mess up even more. I just, I just.....I
need someone to really push me. Not just suggest I audition or say, "it's up to you"
or "whatever you want to do". That doesn't help me. I need someone to either say,
"You need to be on that stage. You belong on that stage. You're good, and if you
really try, you will NOT fail" or "I won't take no for an answer. Get in there and
audition, do your best, and don't worry at all about what others think." And I need
that person who is pushing me to really, really, mean it. Not just to help me out a
bit, but they really care about me and know this is what I need to do. I think that
if I get over this fear and be in those plays and musicals, even just a small part,
I'll feel complete. I won't just be wandering around without a clue on what to do. I
won't just be aching to be a part of something big, because finally, I'll belong
somewhere. I'm already Adam's little sister; I have a special membership to that
club. But I need a little push to be a full member. I need to know I belong not just
because I'm the sister-even though I am proud of that-but because I'm doing something
myself, for me. I need to fill this hole that has been growing bigger and bigger
since the fourth grade. This is my chance to do something and change myself. I just
need someone, someone who really cares about me, to push me out there and tell me to
go for it because they just know I'll do great.

‹~(Shaywee)~› says :   13 October 2011   547031  
I know this feeling. Being part of the behind the scenes crew is
truly self-satisfying, knowing you were one of few who discreetly made
the play ten times better. Or at least, that was my case. Special
effects the first year, and spotlight direction and operation the
second year. I'm working with the high school and the middle school
plays this year. It'll be wonderful.
And performing is much different. 
My school is known for football and band, since our town is known for
its' band and we're all football heads here. Being in marching band is
just like being on stage. We need to be perfect; the percussion
cadence needs to drop its first beat perfectly after the roll-off. If
we don't hit the down-beat in a solid, precise note, then the rest of
the performance isn't as special. I don't find it scary being on the
field on Friday nights; in fact, I find it amazing. I know it's
different on stage because you're alone, not part of a huge group.
It's kind of  a bravery thing. Just know that if acting or singing
aren't your thing, you excel in other spots, like stage crew. It's
just as important as the actors themselves. 
And I'm telling you as a friend you've never met, I'm sure if you were
to get on stage, you'd knock'em dead. 


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