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This diary entry is written by tiggerlemon101. ( View all entries )
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Dear MomCategory: (general)
Sunday, 10 April 2011
05:57:31 PM (GMT)
Dear Mom,

   I know you're never going to read this, and that's kind of the point, because if
you ever actually did I know I'd lose the computer, my phone, and my independence for
a month.  Knowing that this is the one place that I can say all this stuff out loud
and you won't find it, I'm just going to say everything here.  Now, without further
ado, please explain something to me:
   My brother tries hard to get his marks around the 85 range.  All he does at home
is sit on his ass and play XBox.  He never practices karate, even though he should. 
Whenever he gets a report card or passes his karate grading, he gets a lovely chorus
of "Good job," which of course is fine.  He did do a good job.  My best
friend, who is really more of a sister to me and a daughter to you, can barely manage
70's in most of her classes.  She has pipe dreams of being an actress.  Don't get me
wrong, she's good, but there are thousands of people who are far better than her. 
Whenever she manages to pull of a 75 or maybe even an 80 if it's math (which she's
good at), or gets a lead in the school play, you tell her what a "good job"
she's done, which is fine.  She did do a good job.
   I get 90's in almost every class without even trying, and when I do try I have
these freaking insane marks that said best friend didn't even know were possible.  I
work so hard, and you don't know how many times I've wished I could be playing video
games like my brother or going to parties like my best friend, but I'd feel guilty. 
I'd feel as though I was shirking my responsibilites.  I went to school every day
last week with bronchitis.  
   I'm a talented dancer and while I know I'm not the very best and I'll never be a
World Champion, I try my very hardest.  I practice every single day for at least
forty minutes, not to mention my two-and-a-half hour, twice-weeklt classes.  I have
given up so much for dance, and so have the people around me.  I have given up every
weekend of my life since I was six years old.  I have given up semi formal.  I have
given up school trips and projects.  Your sister is an absolute angel for letting me
stay at her house every Thursday night since you can't pick me up.  I work out every
day, too - sit-ups, push-ups, running, wall sits, squats, lifting weights, skipping. 
There's no way I'm letting that first place finish get away from me this year.
   I'm fluent in French.  I'm a gifted writer and I hope to publish a novel someday. 
I'm knowledgeable and concerned about world issues and politics.  I've never tasted
alcohol in my life.  I'm not trying to brag, but I'm basically that kid that every
parent wishes they had.
   So please, when I achieve something spectacular, I want to hear something a little
bit more than "good job."
   Moreover, I would like you to be proud of the fact that I got an 82 in enriched
math and an 85 in enriched science, although the class averages were 78 and 82
respectively, and we had a way harder teacher this year.  I would like a better
reaction than "Oh, well that's okay for enriched I guess... you'll do better next
year when there is no enriched."  Umm, excuse me?  82 in enriched in AMAZING,
especially given that math and science are my two weakest subjects.  I know you're
probably just trying to motivate me, but it's not working.  You're just making me
feel bad about myself.
   On that topic, I know I gained a little bit of weight last year- maybe five or ten
pounds.  Sorry if I was on an injruy-induced break from dancing.  I didn't need it
rubbed in my face all the time.  Do you think the fact that you smile after you make
a comment and then say, "Honey, look at me.  I'm no one to be talking.  You have a
beautiful body" makes it better?  I assure it does not.  Anyway, that's not what
matters anymore because since Christmas I've lost all of that weight and probably
more.  I'm more healthy and toned than I've ever been.  I have abs and real arm
muscles, which I've never had before.  I am so proud of myself, and I love the
fact that you don't talk to me about it anymore.  However, I'm 5'6" and about 120 lbs
of solid muscle, and I'm not happy.  I have a constant fear of getting fat, and I'm
sorry to say that a lot of that is your fault.  I'm kind of worried now that I may be
developping an eating disorder. 
   Thanks for that one, mom.

   In short, I know that you are doing your best.  I know that when you don't
distinguish between Liam and Sammy's mediocre achievements and my phenomenal ones,
you are only trying to make things equal.  You're trying to make them feel good.  I
doubt you realize that, by doing that, you're making me feel awful, but you
are.  I know that you think I have enoug confidence to deal with a genuinely joking
comment about my weight,  especially when it's a lot less than most people's, and
because that's the way you tried to raise me, but unfortunately I don't.
   I know you genuinely don't understand why I don't feel as though I'll ever be good
enough for you, but I've tried to explain and you won't listen.  You're just like
those people at school- how could the beautiful, tiny, cultured, bilingual, genius
dancer who is going to have an amazing life possibly not be happy with herself? 
Nobody ever sees when something is their fault.

Last edited: 10 April 2011

‹✬Kaybell❣› says:   10 April 2011   409646  
Aww, hon. <3 I live in the same position 'til this day. I have a
brother in a wheelchair and two older sisters. My older one uses me
like I'm a tool, but my oldest gives my sympathy. My mom likes to take
things out of me if I don't have straight A's on my report card, even
if it's one B that is one point from an A. I am not a dancer, and I am
overweight, but I am only like that because my mother keeps me at
home, and keeps me busy with either researching, telling me to go away
and stand still, or take care of my brother while she sleeps.

My brother uses me most. I'm like his own servant/maid. I clean after
him, feed him, and givce him liquids to drink, but I do not change his
diaper and keep him clean because I, in fact, have a bad back and weak
knees. Yeah, I wish I was a better fit person and I hope to change it
that way soon, but it gets kind of hard when your mom is up your ass
telling you to loose weight, but makes you do "nothing." I can't even
go outside in my back yard without her consent and I'm turning fifteen
in August.

:L Just saying, I know how it feels, and yes it sucks, but maybe...
it's to make us strong in someways no one else can. Maybe it's because
it gives us the sympathy to others who are worse off than us without
thinking. Maybe, it's just so we don't treat anyone else like they
treated us. Who knows?
tiggerlemon101 says:   10 April 2011   343666  
I can honestly say that I've never felt used or anything like that,
and I know that my mother loves me and usually appreciates me. 
I really hope things get better for you soon.  Someday you'll have
more opportunities and you will achieve your goals.  <3

I know what you mean about her telling you to lose weight, then making
you do "nothing."  My mom once called from work about something and I
told her, rather proud of myself I'll admit, that I had been in the
basement training for two hours.  She promptly told me that I was
overworking my body and that I needed to stop.  Hello, make up your

I do agree that it's for the better in the end.  I'm used to the fact
that if you excel, people don't really care about you because they're
too busy helping those that need it.  I get it enough in school and I
know that it will make me stronger.  I just didn't expect that we'd
get it from our own mothers.

About being sympathetic- this is weird.  I am quite sympathetic to
people like you- I'm so sorry that your brother is in a wheelchair,
and even sorrier that you have to take care of him.  You have the
right to live your own life.  However, the people who don't have to do
jack shit to be accepted and recognized- the people like my brother
and friend?  I am not sympathetic to them.  In fact, sometimes
I hate them.  I don't like it, but it's true.

Whatever.  What's meant to be will be and what doesn't kill us only
makes us stronger.  On top of that, there are people who are so much
worse off than I am.  We'll live. 
‹✬Kaybell❣› says:   10 April 2011   775755  
Yes, yes we will live. If not than I shall be damned. :L

See, I think that is the only difference between our situations. That
and I really love my oldest sister, never really hate her. You know
your mother loves you and appreciates you, but I don't. Sometimes she
tells me she loves me, like once every two months or so,  then she
gets all huffy and tells me that I'm a lazy ass bitch and what not.
=,= In other words, it's hard to tell.

My brother and single mother of an older sister? Nah. I wouldn't help
them. I wouldn't even help my mom if she needed it. She never helped
me. I had to do everything on my own. :L My friends... some I have
sympathy to, others I do not. Depends how they treat me and what they
do. The ones who are depressed and suicidal, I can relate to, and I
help support them mentally. But the ones who are always peppy and
happy? I could care less, unless it's all an act, that is.

My best friend is Ally, and yes, she has gone through most things I
went through, and sometimes it seems like it's worse that what I have
been through. I mean, I relate to her most and feel as if I can tell
her my heart's deepest secrets, and she can keep it to herself and
help me through it if it ends up hurting me. It's really nice to have
someone like that. And by the looks of our responses, if we do become
friends, we probably would be just as close. :D 
tiggerlemon101 says:   11 April 2011   242041  
That's why I feel really bad for you.  I'm actually kind of honoured
that you took the time to comment on this, because normally what I get
from people in worse situations is something along the lines of "You
don't know half of what I've been through, you selfish bitch."  I know
I don't, and it's not like I'm depressed or suicidal; I just what a
little bit of acknowledgement sometimes.
Anyway, I'm sorry you feel that way about your mom, and I'm sorry she
put you in that situation.  <3

Heh... weird thing here:  I'm always peppy and happy, and it's
usually not an act.  I guess I'm just an optimistic person and
even though I guess I complain a lot, I have a good life.  Then again,
that's what's expected of me.  Isn't that what we all do, in the end?

I'm quite sure we would.  :D 
‹✬Kaybell❣› says:   11 April 2011   675265  
Don't. I mean, I don't need someone worrying over my issues when they
have their own. It's not fair to draw so much attention and no be able
to give any in return. It starts to build the selfish act. :L

Took the time? No offense, but I had nothing better to do, and I saw
such similarities, plus the fact I just finished a long reply on my
roleplay, I just typed what I thought, and not just a mini verison of
it. It's quite easy if you have some things in common, not just a few
things here and there that don't connect.

Feeling that way about my mom has become more natural than ever. I
mean, I still cry when she says such mean things to me... but it's not
because I can't handle it, it's just it came from my mom. That,
a few people only understand.

Well, You don't seem over it, hon. You know when to be serious and
when to goof off. And even though you complain... you still need to
know everyone does it when the tinist thing seems wrong, bad, or out
of place.

Mhm, mhm. But you must consider the fact I can be a terrible pessimist
at times. xD 
Kirti says :   11 April 2011   355676  
You know, "Good job" is just a greeting for runners. Whenever I pass
a team mate (or if they pass me) no matter how tired we are we manage
to gasp out those words.

Because if you're working that hard, no matter who's passing who, both
are doing a good job. Comparing them to each other doesn't
matter since they could each lap 90% of Americans at least twice
around the track running a mile.

For a long time though, it seemed like "good job" was an insult. "Do I
seem like I can't go on without your encouragment? Do you think I'm
weak? Do I seem stupid? I know you say the same thing to everyone."

Everyone needs to know they're doing a good job. Sometimes because
they're struggling, sometimes because they (or in this case,
you) are doing an absolutely great job.

Don't kill yourself trying to look for differently worded phrases from
the people you pass on the track, and don't worry about not going to
parties when you're doing things to be proud of.

Also, thanks for being the only other teen I know who's never lasted

With much deserved love,

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