Wednesday, 27 January 2010
03:49:06 AM (GMT)
God, are you there?
It's me, Hannah.
This is a letter to you, telling you some of what I feel.
I'm making it public so that you can provide me with people that might pass your
answers onto me through themselves. It makes it scary, and it makes me want to regret
it, but I think I'm finally hopeless enough to share this with you.
I feel like I lost you when I was a little girl. Like, you meant so much at
one special time, and then as I aged you disappeared; and I didn't mind. And it makes
me more frightened than sad.
I've always been more afraid of Hell than of being safe and happy in Heaven. I'm
always more afraid of the consequences than the outcomes, no matter how brilliant
they could be. I want to stop being afraid, God. I want to stop making bad decisions,
even when I know the result is bad. I want to be a child of God. Please, I don't want
to be scared or unsure anymore.
Give me a direction. Find me solutions. Show me the way to simple, plain happiness.
I don't want anything over-the-top. I just want peace. It's all I want. God, it's all
I want. Can't I have it, just for a few years?
I know asking anything for yourself is selfish, and I've probably been selfish all my
I've fucked up time after time after time, and sometimes I learn, but other times I
go right back into habit.
I can't even figure out how to count my blessings. My life is a blur.
I don't even know what's right or wrong sometimes.
And I'm so sick of trying.
All my life I've been searching for things that I don't think I'll ever get.
A father; a family; a loving man or woman; acceptance, forgiveness, hope...
I hear you're pretty good with all of the above. So, if you can hear me, please
I have a lot of questions, firstly.
My life's story is torn and tumbled and I hate every bit of it. The little bits of
happiness that used to just fall into place now fall on the floor.
I'm medicated, miserable, mercurial, and unmentionable. Where are you now?
Are you here?
Are you among us?
I don't feel you anymore, God. I felt you as a child, but now it's like reaching out
to grab something that was stripped away a long time ago. Where am I supposed to get
my strength? I have no family. I have no friends. They were all either unfaithful,
foul, or taken away from me. I feel so alone. I feel so isolated in my body and my
I want so many things, and I hate so many things, and wish I could change over half
If I had a magic wand, I would ask for so much.
Here, in this letter, I'm asking. I'm asking as I ask when I'm laying in bed at
night, or when I'm riding in the car trying to block out noises, or here, at my desk,
trying to find a future. I'm asking you now to please, please come into my life.
Absolve me of my sins and trespasses. I've done so much wrong in this world. I just
want to make it right. But I'm so afraid.
I need you to guide me, God. I need you to show me a path, that I might follow and
find a light at the end of this dank, rotting tunnel.
And if I find nothing... I don't see the point in being.
Please show me happiness. Please show me how to find faith. Please open up doors of
Please, please, please, let me get what I need.
Peacefully take away some of my worries sometimes.
Help me find peace with my mother, who I worry so much about but can't find the words
to tell her.
Help me forgive and forget all the people who've wronged me.
God, this message goes out to you.
Help me find the faith.
I can change -- if I've got you on board with me.
Your destitute, pleading daughter,
Last edited: 27 January 2010