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Hating you.Category: (general)
Sunday, 2 November 2008
09:50:17 PM (GMT)
Dear Michael, I saw you again today. Sadly, I didn't feel the happiness I usually do when we share slight glances. I didn't feel like I'd just died and came back to life. I just felt like I'd died. And in that second that I died, I didn't feel a thing. I didn't feel like I loved you, I didn't feel upset, I didn't feel anything. But when the second was over, all reality crashed down on me and I felt like I was going to break down onto my knees and cry my eyes out. I heart didn't flutter, it broke. My cheeks didn't blush, they went pale. My eyes didn't sparkle with joy but with tears. I smiled but it was fake. I was laughing on the outside Crying on the inside. I didn't see the boy that I loved. I didn't see the boy that walked into my life and took my heart away. I saw the boy that stole my heart and threw it aside to take hers. I didn't love you. I hated you. I hated the way that every look you gave me made my heart jump, skip, leap, and reach for the sky. I hated the way that every word you spoke to me made me want to giggle like a school girl. I hated the way you looked as you walked towards, past, and away from me. I hated the way that you said the perfect things at the perfect times. I hated the way I saw you look at her when she sat down. I hated the way you quit talking to me to talk with her. I hated the way you ignored my very existence. I hated the way that, to you, I no longer existed. But most of all, I hate the way that I'd go through all of it again just to see you again. Most of all, I hate myself for not being able to hate you. I wish I could hate you the way I hate everyone that you do to me. I wish I could hate you like you weren't someone I love. I wish... I wish you would love me the way I wish I didn't love you. Please, just give me a reason to look into the mirror and feel proud of myself. Because whenever I look now, all I see is a cracked up joke that wasn't funny enough for you. I see a girl that wasn't pretty enough for you. I see a shell that's building around the smiling face of a loving girl. The shell is bringing me down. Bringing me into a state of depression. It was bad when I knew I didn't have you. But now that I know I CAN'T have you, it feels even worse than anything. I feel like I could go in the middle of any war out there and be taken by any enemy, endure all the torture they put me through and I'll still feels better than I do now. But that's enough about me. Let's talk about you. How are you doing? I hope you and Katie are having fun together. How was the movie you two saw? Oh, you want to tell me about how amazing her smile is. Tell me how great she is to you so I can go home to kick my pride a little more. I used the think I was the perfect kind of girl. I was feminine but still independent. I was beautiful but modest. I was funny but not too loud. But Katie... Katie barely said anything to you and she caught your eye before I got a chance to look into them. Why is that? Why am I not good enough? What's wrong with me? So now, instead of seeing a beautiful girl in the mirror I see someone who is just... plain. Plain and simple. Nothing interesting, amazing, beautiful, or even remotely attractive about this little wall-flower. Nope. Not anymore. And now when I'm with friends, I'm no longer the fun loving girl that could care less about what people think. I'm now the girl that refuses to make a scene in fear of you being there to look down on me. Everywhere I go I think you're watching me, ripping down my pride one insult at a time. It hurts, you know. How would you feel if I insulted you all the time? Oh, I know. You wouldn't care. Because I don't matter to you. At all. I hate love you, Seraphia.
Last edited: 3 November 2008

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