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This diary entry is written by pleasehelpme. ( View all entries )

please please help me - mental health?!Category: (general)
Monday, 5 March 2012
04:57:51 PM (GMT)
yes i know this isn't the type of website for this, but i've tried everywhere else
okay, so i don't really know what i want to expect or gain from asking this! i just
want to know something more than my own thoughts on it

i suppose i started thinking that my life is an experiment, that there are some kind
of scientists testing my reactions from my day to day life.. it's kinda hard to
explain.. like my life isn't actually real? so what i can see is the only part in the
world right now, say what i can't see, e.g behind me right now is nothing because i'm
not looking at it.. i can't really explain it :/ and it isn't just for me, there are
millions of versions of myself in the same experiment - only in different realities
so they can test my reactions for everything
but i started thinking like that about last year and it made me so scared that i made
a deal with the scientist people to stop making me think about that and not put me
into any terrifying situations if i would just go along with their experiment
that worked for a while, but i started thinking about it again and i kind of began to
pray to them, as if they were my god or something - like i kept a diary telling them
my thoughts and thanking them for not giving me the bad life some of the other
versions of me might have
when i'm sitting outside or just in a vunerable place, i'm always nervous someone is
aiming at me with a sniper or something
a while ago i was completely convinced my own father was sexually abusing me and then
re-winding time so only he could remember doing it. my mum was out once and he came
downstairs and i almost stabbed him i was so scared! i didn't because i'm just not
sure what i believe is real - if it isn't then i've got nothing to lose, i could go
on some murdering rampage and it wouldn't matter but i don't think i ever could
because in case it's not true and then i would have just murdered a bunch of people!
i think that's why i'm so hesitant to seek real medical help - if someone sees me as
a threat to people and lock me away or put me on some medication to kill me or
something ):
i'm always scared my thoughts are being broadcasted to everyone, and i'm certain a
lot of people in my friendship group secretly hate me. if i go out with someone and
they send me a text, i'm always certain it will say something along the lines of 'i
hate you and i never want to see you again' or 'i can't believe you did that you
*****' even if i've done nothing wrong i start questioning everything i did that
could possibly offend them - probably why i say sorry so much :s i do know i'm very
worried of what people think about me so that's probably it i hope
whenever someone comes to my house i'm always thinking they're left some kind of
camera to record me and i'm being watched in every room they went into without me
i do realise i'm not reaslly hearing voices or having hallucinations - i guess i
always see things getting closer when they're not moving or seeing different things
in the corner of my eyes but i'm sure that's just a common thing

i know i have OCD with numbers and rituals, if that's connected to my thoughts
i'm probably just being stupid and self-diagnosing myself when there isn't anything
wrong with me.. there can't be haha
it's just that if what i believe is true then there isn't any point in posting this
because control (the scientists) are making me believe i should and argh it's hard to
explain i just don't want it to be
i've considered suicide because of it, but then again if i'm just being stupid then i
would have killed myself when there are people who care about me
i don't want to self harm, although i feel like i need to.. i just don't want people
to see and then me not being able to explain and then people thinking i'm just being
this attention whore who cuts herself so people see and ask her what's wrong

please someone answer
i'm so scared! :/

i realize there are people with much worse issues but i just want an answer for this

accoulst says:   5 March 2012   254582  
I suggest you go to Psych Central, it's a really good website where
you can ask these kinds of questions. There is a forum, a chat, etc.
And I think some people are qualified. Or you could schedule a meeting
with a therapist, psychologist, psychoanalyst, etc.

I can't give you a diagnosis or anything, because I'm not a qualified
psychologist (Though I want to be one when I grow up :D ) And I can
make assumptions, but I'd rather not because it might be wrong.
If you really want to know what I think, just tell me and Ill reply,
but for now, I suggest you try Psych Central or talk to someone,
because they might be able to help. 

Wish you the best!
SilentlyLoud says:   5 March 2012   713098  
It is normal for people to think that the world is coming for them
and that everyone knows what your thinking, believe me I know. I don't
think there is anything wrong with you mentally and you aren't an
attention whore, you just want answers.
                                   With your statement saying that
life is an experiment, I partially agree with this. I agree because
you never know what will happen, what others will do, what they think,
etc. But I also disagree because its your life and you have to decide
what to make of it, not others. If others are observing you, let them
watch, but don't be bothered by them. There is no need to be scared
about everything. Yes, everyone has fears (heights, spiders, death,
etc.) but it doesn't have to conrol you. I know this is one of the
most over used analogy about life but, "Life is a rollercoaster and
you just have to go along for the ride."
                                 Lastly, suicide is not the answer.
Everyone on this Earth is valuable whether they feel that way or not.
You may feel like everyone is against you or that you are being
watched, but, to me, that is not enough for someone to take their own
valuable life from this Earth filled with valuable people.
                                             I hoped that this helped
in a way, but if it didn't then I'm sorry, but I hope I made some
impact on someone. Sorry for the very long response  I just wanted
to make a point. Thanks for enduring my thoughts on this perticular
topic and I promise it is over now.
pleasehelpme says :   6 March 2012   945619  
thank you so much for replying (:♥
i'll try posting this on that website, then. oh do tell me what you
think, i'm too scared to go to a doctors for an actual diagnosis so
i'd be grateful for yours! thanks (:
i don't think i will commit suicide,i'm too cowardly :p your comment
is really lovely and a bit inspiring if you see what i mean, thank you
(: i won't let this control me! 


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