Sunday, 5 February 2012
04:22:46 PM (GMT)
This morning I literally logged on to Facebook to actually change my relationship
status to "in a relationship" because I can't trust myself anymore. I used to be able
to leave it on single and tell guys I was talking to to fuck off because I have a
boyfriend, but not anymore.
I can't even trust myself to remember. Once the feelings start to fade, it doesn't
feel like a relationship. I don't feel like if I made out with someone else right
now, I would be doing a moral wrong. I don't feel like if he left me, it would be
that big of a deal.
I feel like I'm in the same boat Paige is in, something has changed. I spent over
half of last year hung up on this boy, crying myself to sleep because of him, and now
I have him, and it still doesn't feel right. "I love you" feels empty.
Derek seems like a good option.
Chance seems like a good option.
Jon seems like a good option.
People that aren't Michael seem like good options, and that's not okay. I'm with
Michael because I keep hoping that what we had before will come back. That when I
think of him, I'll get that fluttery feeling in my stomach. That when people mention
him, l'll blush. I want being in love back, so bad. And also, he kind of has a piece
of me. Paige knows what I mean, and I don't really think Im ready to leave him and
that piece behind yet. After all, even if it meant nothing, it still means something.
I'm living in a pretend world here, and I don't know what to do about it.
Not to mention the fact that he deserves to go to jail for life for all the things
he's done, and is doing.
Yup, that's right. My boyfriend's a criminal.