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This diary entry is written by Kirti. ( View all entries )
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General ranting and annoyanceCategory: (general)
Friday, 10 April 2009
04:52:24 PM (GMT)

That's the first problem- The guy who sits next to me in English didn't know what
"rawr" means. Or "roar" for that matter, and roar is the correct spelling! I had to
define it for him, so I told him it was an "expression of extreme annoyance"... But
honestly, why did "rawr" require explanation?!

it's not so much that "the lights are on but nobody's home" as the "homes quite
literally suffered flood damage, and until the repairs are done nobody can live
there."- expalnation for that? I spent all last night dreaming about death in varius
shapes and forms. The longest one included me being mugged and drowned in one of the
tiolets in school, having my body taken to the hospital, and having an out of body
experience in which I went ton Canada with Kirti (miss_roleplay will know what I mean
by that) to tell her who tried to kill me by using my ghostly powers to type on her
keyboard, then I went to my mom and wrote a message to her saying that if a Canadian
girl called claiming to know me listen to her because I will wake up from the
coma...... A weird, irritating dream.

Also at a Honesty and Respect assembly in school these two girls who bullied me all
through last year said in front of the whole school after swearing they'd be honest
to the guy running the assembly that if they saw a friend picking on someone else and
their choices were A)ignore it B)tell them to stop or C) join in they would tell the
friend to stop. Those dirty lying bitches!! (Pardon my language). Lying to the
princible is one thing, but lying to more then three-hundred people after swearing
honesty?! It makes me so pluck-a-ducking mad!!!!!!

This guy who was a new student at the beginning of this year pretended to be a nice
guy who loved animals, was a pacifist, generally he claimed to be the kind of guy
whom I make friends with, so I did. I'm always nice ton the new kids. Turns out that
every word of it was a lie and he actaully has a hunting license, was sexist, racist,
homophobic, republican (but will switch political parties if he can gain something
from it), a devout Christian, ignorant about world issues, and a total
Bush-supporting-Nationalist!! A total jerk! A total jerk who had had a huge crush on
me but I didn't know what a jerk he was at the time so I tried to avoid hurting his
feelings by getting him together with my best friend Kirisa. She was happy, and at
first I thought he was happy, but then I noticed how he was spending as much time
possible looking intently at me and saying in this determined but emotionless voice
who great he and Kirisa are together, and how they're meant to be, and if only I
could feel what she and him had together... Short and short of it is that he was just
using my best friend to make my jealous enough to break it off with my boyfriend whom
I'd been dating for more then a year! WHAT A JERK!!

But I ignored it and eventually this guy gave up on me liking him and fell madly,
creepily, stalkerishly in love with Kirisa, who jokes around about liking violence so
much that he dropped the pacifism act and admitteded (and by "admitted" I mean
"bragged about") his pro-war attitude, his views about hunting (that it's a "good,
wholesome, fun way to spend time" direct qoute.) the way he thinks that girls should
wear dresses and let boys handle the work foir them, his idea that the only job
Mexicans deserve is a job a Taco Bell, that he didn't think a person of color could
be a good poresisdent (for no reasopn other then his skin color)... The list goes
on!! So Kirisa broke up with him but he won't stop sitting with us. And everyone
hates him. He's an ego maniac though, and he's really stupid, so he doesn't realize
that nobody likes him. He shouts out bad jokes in class then laughs so hard at his
own jokes that he doesn't notice that he's the only one laughing, and rarely notices
the people telling him to shut up and sit down. Then he whines about how his life is
much harder then any of our lives are, we are so lucky that ______ isn't happening to
them, hasn't happened to them, won't happen to them, and when we say "Actually I have
had to move to a differnt school" or "actually my parents are divorced" or "actually
I have had seven girls break up with me in a row" he says "well yeah, but it was
worse for me."

 I've hardly spoken six words to him in months, even though he talks to me at every
oppurtunity. Instead I turn away or look through him, making it clear with my body
language, expression, and the way my hands roll into fists that I want him to go
away. But he can't take a hint! But if I talk to him I know I'm going to snap.
Generally I'm a very sensible person. And even if I'm not "calm" per si solving
issues with violence doesn't occur to me because I hate violence. But last time I had
a conversation with him I "snapped" (looking back, I like to think I heard a snapping
sound and everything, but I think that comes from reading to much manga ) which
scietificly means the situational stress became to great and I began using my
amydgala- the part of the brain that controls anger, violence, fear ect- and started
shouting at him in the middle of class. No control what-so-ever. That scares
me! I don't like the idea that I could blink and find myself punching this jerk in
the face just because I talked to him for to long! And while he's definately earned
some serius karmic punsihment, I don't want to ruin my life by being the one to
avenge all the birds he's shot with his BB gun or all the frogs he's blown up with
fire works on the forth of july!So I ignore him and pretend he's not there. But he
won't. Leave. Me. Alone!! Going on about how I had to talk to him sometime, and I
can't just shun people, and it was unethicle to treat him like this- Who is he to
preach about ethics?! It's unethical to put myself knowingly into a situation in
which my state of mind could lead to me harming anothing living thing, no matter who
much that living thing deserves it. But RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR, and
expression of extreme annoyance!!!!!!!!

Also I'm getting a D in math right now, and it's my lowest grade and gr, because I'm
getting great grades in everything else!!!

I haven't been thinking about philosophy much lately and that scares and worries me-
yes fear and anxiety are differnt- because now when I try I don't know how. I
read the stuff I wrote last year and I still understand it for the most part, but I
don't can't think like that anymore! I purposly tried to seem less
smart in school because it freaked out my sclass mates and got me bullied but now
I've become less smart. It's not just that either- I can't scuplt as well, my
writings gotten worse, my vocabulary is getting smaller, I'm not reading as much, and
if your read the extensive rant on that guy you'll know that I fear losing control
and becoming violent. I HATE PUBERTY!! I am absolutely certain that hormons are
causing my lack of control as well as my disinclanation to read which could be why my
vocabulary is shrinking which may be why my writing is so much worse now. Skulpting
and philosohsy may just be me becoming out of practice, but how do I practice
philosophy? I'm already forgetting how I figured out the meaning of life! (I'm pretty
sure that what I refer to as "the meaning of life" is actually just the meaning of
my life which makes it rather personal and I'd rather not share it in a public

I'm also annoyed at myself for whining so much lately, like I am right now!

I'm annoyed at this diary entry because of all the caps lock abuse and exclamation

This short popular guy is mocking my friend for having blue hair and when I stode up
for her he started mocking me too. I know I did the right thing, but should I regret
it? I've spent all year trying not to act smart so that no one would make fun of me,
and in three minutes I ruined it all. But she's my friend, and I don't regret
it! Am I to selfless? Am I being a martyr?

I'm also concerned about my weight, and I'm concerned about the fact that I'm
concerned for my weight because I'm not over weight, I'm in the middle of average
range, and yet I've caught myself considering skipping meals to lose weight. I don't
want to be one of those whiney petty teens who ends up with an eating disorder to
feel "in control". Especially since anorexia leads to dry brittle hair and nails and
shrinking chest-area, and I like having a chest because without one adults have even
more trouble viewing me as a human with ideas and opinions, and if I'm treated like I
don't have ideas how long until I stop having them?

and speaking of not being respected by adults this teacvher stopped me for running in
the halls the other day. She was dressed like and sounded like Professor Umbridge and
if she could have, I'm quite certain she'd have made me carve "I will not run in the
halls" into my hand. She said (an a annoyingly high pitched vioce) "No, no, no. We
don't run in the halls in this school. Tsk tsk." and starts guiding me back to
where I started form with her hand on my back. What right did she have to touch me?
How much of a factor in her response to me runnign was my pink hair? And for heavens
sake, what school was she in, because "we" run in the halls all the time! And
usually when kids run in the halls it's to less noble places for less noible reasons
at less reasonable times. She didn't consider that I was running to get somewhere
faster. I had to return a book to the library for my friend because if I didn't then
she could potentionally get detention, and she couldn't return it herself because she
had to go to Chinease class but I couldn't return it during tutorial like I planned
because it was in math class that day and the math teahcer wouldn't let us leave
except in the last ten minutes which I spent defending my other friend from the
people who were mocking her hair, so I had to run upstairs and to the other side of
the school to return the book then run back down stairs, back to the other side of
the school, outside and across the lawn so that I wouldn't miss my bus home. The
teacher knew the buses were there (in our school a loud beep goes out over the loud
speakers when the buses get there.) but she didn't care. She was totally content to
have me miss my only ride home just so that she could feel that she had power over
people who are smaller then her.

To all who read even one line of this congradulation and thank you for dealing with
all the typos and whining!
Last edited: 10 April 2009

tiggerlemon101 says:   12 April 2009   899323  
Umm... what to say, what to say?

You are reminding me so much of myself right now...
Basically, that new kid is a jack, ignore him; don't try to think
philosophical thoughts if they won't come (because they'll probably
come back eventually); and DO NOT worry about your weight.  Perhaps
tell somebody you will force you to eat (e.g. your mom or something).

That's all I can say; i'm not good with advice.  Sorry. 
Kirti says :   13 April 2009   519552  
I'm devouting this spring break to good old fasioned
mental-stimulation. Your right, I'm sure it'll come back at some

When I actually skip a meal I'll consider it serius enough to worry my
mom with. Thanks.

Siigh... Ignoring him is hard. Even though everyone hates him my
friends all hate him a bit less then most people do, and are nice
people, and so can't tell him to leave. But he shouts sexual jokes at
the table we sit at during lunch-with his mouth full I might add- and
even if I don't respond, I hear it. My inclanation is to burst from my
seat shouting "eeeeeeeeew!!" but if I do then he may realize that
sexual humor gets me to respond to his presence, thus forcing me to
hear them more.

... It's disturbing that I actually had him on my mind long enough to
figure that out and plan my actions accordingly...


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