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This diary entry is written by ‹~[RAWRALICIOUS>=3]~›. ( View all entries )
 
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Story I wrote..RAWR >=3Category: (general)
Sunday, 28 December 2008
05:15:54 AM (GMT)
"Mother! Father!" the little girl screamed as she saw her parents get shot in front
of her face.She started running over to her parent's side and cried as she hugged
them tightly. "Don't cry, Akia. Please be a good girl." whispered her mother as she
touched Akia's cheek. "Akia....Take care of the company. And...Akia?" "Yes father."
Akia replied as she looked into her father's eyes. "Find out who shot us......that is
my wish..." her father said solemnly as he closed his eyes. "Father....Mother...."
Akia said softly while weeping. Then ambulance, the police and the news reporters
came. "Little girl, we're sorry......It's too late." the policeman said as he took
his hat off and kneeled down to Akia's height. Akia stared into the policeman's eyes
and yelled at him. "You could have come sooner! You could have saved them! You could
have......!" Akia yelled as she cried and punched the policeman hard but it became
soft punches. The news reporters started surronded Akia and asking questions. "What
happened? Who shot Mrs and Mr. Li? Answer us, Miss Akia Li!" The news reporters
screamed as they tried to pull on Akia's shoulder to make Akia answer.


That's all I wrote so far. Tell me if you like it. =3
I still need a title for it but I don't know what it should be. =/

Comments 
‹Emma Bear› says:   28 December 2008   789223  
I love it
 
‹Syndromic_Wonderland› says :   3 July 2009   866167  
Well, you have some mistakes. So far, you spell correctly with good
grammar.

Everytime new dialogue is introduced, it has to be in a new paragraph.
For example:

"Mother! Father!" the little girl screamed as she saw her parents get
shot in front of her face. She started running over to her parent's
side and cried as she hugged them tightly. 

"Don't cry, Akia. Please be a good girl." whispered her mother as she
touched Akia's cheek. 

"Akia....Take care of the company. And...Akia?" 

"Yes father."Akia replied as she looked into her father's eyes. 

"Find out who shot us......that is my wish..." her father said
solemnly as he closed his eyes.
--
Your punctation is great, it's just the transition and the paragraph
thingy you need to work on. 

The transition of the other people coming in isn't too good. Maybe
adding a bit more to it?

Overall, since you don't have any spelling errors, grammatical errors,
or bad punctation, I give you a pat on the back for it.
 

 
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