Thursday, 1 May 2008
10:14:39 PM (GMT)
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who
grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.
The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "Iím lonely. I wish my friends
were back here."
now for the rest!
1. Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother
asks the oldest boy what heíd like to eat. "Iíll have some fuckiní French toast," he
says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She
asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckiní French
toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she
asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I donít know," he says meekly,
"but I definitely donít want the fuckiní French toast."
2. My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one
day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
3. Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the
front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a
Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell
your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3
million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says "Saul, go
to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes
to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one
hand." He hesitates but knows he must. Heís dealt an 18. The dealer has a six
showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the
dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another
card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. Itís another ace. He has
twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts.
"TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me, Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty
one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"
5. A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: heís allowed to say two words
every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for
his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years
pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and
says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him
in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "Thatís not surprising," the elders say.
"Youíve done nothing but complain since you got here."
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave
comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg
of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach,
good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and
hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It
heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto
the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a
lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth.
An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog
croaks and drops the ball. Itís in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated.
"Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. Iíve got a
special game for you. Iíll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you
can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out
of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and
says, slowly: "PaintÖmyÖhouse."
9. A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy, he thinks he's a
chicken." The doctor says, "Why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "We would. But
we need the eggs."
A man is driving his five year old to a friendís house when another car races in
front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. "Douchebag!" the father yells. A
moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son.
"Your father just said a bad word," he says. "I was angry at that driver, but that
was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesnít
make it right, and I donít ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?" His son
looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag."
11. A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. "I charge $50 for three questions," the
lawyer says. "Thatís awfully steep, isnít it?" the guy asks. "Yes," the lawyer
replies, "Now whatís your final question?"
12. (LOL!x100000 sounds like something i would do, LoL, joking =P)
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a
rattlesnake. "Iíll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a
small town and finds the townís only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I canít
leave," the doctor says. "But hereís what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where
the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his
friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says youíre
13. Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late
gig. Theyíve heard one anotherís material so much, theyíve reached the point where
they donít need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other Ė they just need to
refer to each joke by a number. "Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the others
break up. ""Number 53!" says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, itís the third
comicís turn. "44!" he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. "What?" he asks, "Isnít 44
funny?" "Sure, itís usually hilarious," they answer. "But the way you tell itÖ"
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and Iím
thinking, okay, hereís a gal whoís capable of making a decision sheíll regret in the
15. A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"
he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
16. A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. "This dog can speak
English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the
dog, "whatís on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the
talent agent responds. "All dogs go Ďroofí." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the
dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives
a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says.
"This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the
greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scount,
having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns
to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in
the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to
head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and
frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing?
Sneakers wonít help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the
first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."
18. I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked "Do you
have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?"
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl
is told by the priest that he can't be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. "I
promised not to tell!" he says. "Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher's daughter?" the
preist asks. "No, and I said I wouldn't tell." "Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer's
daughter?" "No, and I still won't tell!" 'Was it Mary Francis, the baker's daughter?"
"No," says the boy. 'Well, son," says the priest, "I have no choice but to
excommunicate you for six months." Outside, the boy's friends ask what happened.
"Well," he says, "I got six months, but three good leads."
and here's one for you fisherpeople (like me!) out there!
20. Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's
snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises
to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and
the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other
guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."
will add more later! a little sleepy right now! hope i put a smile on your face!
Last edited: 1 May 2008