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This diary entry is written by ‹_atheenuh_›. ( View all entries )
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late nightsCategory: (general)
Wednesday, 18 February 2015
01:34:34 AM (GMT)
I was just thinking about the people out there who feel hopeless and don't see the
light at the end of this dark tunnel of a life. It made me sad to think so many
people commit suicide in a year. How many people who were not able to be saved and be
able to see the light shine on them. 

How could someone force insecurities on someone? For instance, bullies. Putting you
down cause they're jealous but you'll never believe that. 
It's funny when you think about bullies though, how they commit silent murder through
a mind game. Forcing negative thoughts in your mind until they're permanently paved
there. Whether jealous or upset with themselves, they feel satisfied to bring someone
else down. They get joy out of making someone, or people, feel worse than what they
feel. To the point where they don't seem to know what they're actually doing. Or
maybe they do. 

They could be jealous enough to want you to be 'rid of' without them doing it with
their bare hands. Or maybe they're too upset with their lives they're too blind to
realize they're destroying someone else's. 

Anyway, sometimes bullying isn't the case for suicidal thoughts. You could be the
captain of the biggest sports team in your school, prom king/queen, loved by
everyone, perfect person. Or even a single mother with a lost husband, a drugged up
kid hooked on heroin and your family won't return your calls. Whatever the case might
be, you never really know what a persons like behind closed doors.

A year ago, I remember myself coming home and staring at myself and feeling this
hatred towards me. Whether it be my weight, face, personality, whatever. I had the
worst brother sister relationship. My brother would verbally abuse me, my dad was
never around, my sister was dependent on boys and constantly out and I would hear my
mom cry in her room and I wouldn't be able to do anything about it because I'm too
awkward and unaffectionate. I honestly couldn't believe I had any talents or any
skills. I'd sit in class and contemplate ways to kill myself. Never took second
thoughts to that, like it was a normal thing. Wanting to hurt myself while my friends
sat across from me. Watching my favorite band and suddenly wanting to go home even
though I skipped summer school and my mom went through all the trouble driving me out
so far and giving me some pocket money. Everyone would tell me "it gets better" and
"everythings gonna be ok" but how the hell was I suppose to believe that when I spent
my days alone without a phone call from someone asking if I'm okay. Everyone saw my
scars healing, only to be covered and reopened. No one cared to help me out. My
school assigned me a therapist. They all promised me it will get better from here and
my mom believed I'd stop cutting. But after weeks of being ignored by a guy who sat
behind a laptop and played games asking me mindless questions, I never felt even more
alone. I remember telling him "I'm going to kill myself" and he looked up at me
without emotion and asked how my family was doing. Once my mom saw new cuts at
midnight I called my friend to let her know what happened. She immediately came to
get me. My mom yelled at me, she said she thought I cut before to get attention and
seek help and that I wouldn't do it again. She thought I'd go to my friends house to
cut myself there when really I just needed someone. I asked my mom for help and she
would never wanna believe something was wrong. I was at an assembly for depression
and they mentioned how suicidal thoughts are not a normal thought to have. And even
though this sounds so obvious, it hit me. I never realized how much I thought about
it, how much I yearned for it. My ex boyfriend told me cutting is stupid and that if
I do it again he's breaking up with me. When all I really wanted was to be reminded
I'm important and that I'm worth something. After a long time of being neglected and
unwanted, always the second option. Behind my sister and my best friend at the time.
I felt completely worthless. I couldn't find anything that gave me joy. There was a
time I depended on drugs to keep me going. Cause the most attention I would get is if
I ask "do you have?" It wasn't all about attention. I didn't wanna kill myself cause
the guys in my class didn't all turn their heads simultaneously when I entered the
room. I wanted to kill myself because I felt like my sisters shadow, I only heard
negative things about me, my brother was always screaming at me. One time he said f I
cut myself again, he hopes I wind up dead. I couldn't stand myself.  Happiness was a
temporary thing followed by a meltdown. 

But yet, here I am. I took a summer away from everyone. I was with long distance
family, I haven't seen them in over 7 years. Everyone was so nice to me, like I was
this amazing thing. I wasn't told I was beautiful, but they complimented my
characteristics, the little things I do, my smile, my eyes, my humor. It was nice
hearing these things for the first time. I spent a lot of time alone in a beautiful
place and learned I love to write stories. I learned to enjoy my own company. I
learned how to do makeup better. I learned confidence. And it showed. I worked on
myself that summer. My family said when I came back I was this new person. They
didn't see scars, they all faded. They saw this smiling girl who was able to talk to
everybody. Of course over the summer, there were slip ups where I fell back into self
hatred and failure. But I picked myself back up. I faked confidence until I believed
it. I came home and I felt better. I didn't feel dependent on anything, I was free. I
was me. I believed there IS more to me, and there IS more to my life than depression.
I got to meet new people, reconnect with old friends I lost in the passed year. I got
to experience such great things to keep as memories. I'm so glad I didn't kill myself
because I would never have experienced such great things, and been able to collect
memories as stories to share at parties or to my kids/grand kids. Every now and then
I'll have my insecurities and my off days,but who doesn't? You just gotta pick
yourself up.

Things DO get better. I know there are people who have gone through much worse than
what I have, but things WILL get better. I never could believe they did, I always saw
this blankness ahead. I told my now best friend my condition I was in last year when
we were just friends. He had no idea and he was really glad I'm still here and  felt
really bad didn't know. Which is okay, I didn't want the world to know. I just wanted
it to be known to my mother, my therapist, that I had a problem and I needed help. 

I'm not saying to go on an extravagant vacation and get a shit ton of compliments and
then boom everythings better. I'm saying you shouldn't stay locked up anymore. No
matter how hard it is, I want you to go out somewhere beautiful. Whether it be your
backyard, nearby field or park, or even Europe. Isolate yourself somewhere you can
smell the flowers and feel the wind. I want you to actually find yourself and accept
that. If you have a problem with yourself that can be fixed, then by all means fix it
if that helps you. It's up to you how you react to depression. 

It's a sad world, but I'll hold your hand if I have to.

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