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This diary entry is written by ‹stickyvaporeon›. ( View all entries )
Previous entry: This is what I constantly think about. in category Life

Alexis Spills AllCategory: Life
Thursday, 5 December 2013
01:14:51 AM (GMT)
I don't really understand things like this. Do other people just not need as much
love as I think I need? Or is it only the really, really fucked up people who need
this much? Because I'd be pretty freaking shocked if they were actually getting all
that they need, because they all look the same, mostly. Some have parents that are
actually very loving and not abusive (imagine that), but is that really enough to
live off of? Maybe that's why everyone's so preoccupied with sex these days. Trying
to fuel up their love tanks to run a few more miles. Sad, sad, sad. I bet they get
just enough not to be desperate for it. I bet that's it. Am I desperate? I sort of
am, I suppose. At times I want to go online and say, "Hey, you look like a creepy and
perverted Internet stranger. And I happen to be an emotionally damaged young lady
desperate for affection and attention. Need I say more...?" but I can't bring myself
to do that anymore. I care too much now. Ironically. Plus, now that I'm 18, most of
the guys aren't interested in me anymore. 16 is Lolita prime. You're still young
enough to thrill them, but you've got boobs. See how this works? But actually, I
never was much of a Lolita. I wasn't turned on by older guys. I just found them more
mature, and I needed maturity. My main relationship was with a guy who NEVER got mad.
Ever. Nothing ruffled him. He'd become upset sometimes, but he never cussed at me or
called me names or put me down. I could've loved him for that alone, but it helped
that he wasn't bad looking, and he loved cuddling. Now you have to understand,
cuddling is a pretty big factor here. Because a lot of these guys just wanna fuck,
bang, and screw, and aren't real interested in the kissing and cuddling aspect. But
there's no love in that, which makes it revolting. And often, the love you get from
them isn't actually love, but rather a type of affection called pseudo-love. It
resembles love, but it's fueled by bad intentions, such as selfish sexual desires.
The guy I was talking about who never got mad, he really did love me. That was real
love. But my reciprocation faltered. I wanted to love him, but over the years I
became more and more aware that my feelings towards him were fueled by selfishness. I
was basically using him for cuddles. It actually broke my heart quite a bit,
especially since he was so accepting of all my messed up qualities. Anyway... The
next guy I got with, he was bad. He didn't mean to be, but he was. I hurt him too,
but I couldn't being myself to pity him after what he put me through. I was afraid
for a while that I was developing post traumatic stress disorder, because I kept
having flashbacks and hearing his voice. He didn't love me. He appreciated me. He
liked me. But he didn't love me. Never said, "I love you", never even came close. But
he did love my breasts. (Eye roll.) Or "tits" as he called them. I've always hated
that term, but I quickly forgave him when I found out just how much affection I could
get in exchange for showing off a little. And he wanted a lot. I'm a shy and modest
person, (at least with this kind of thing!) so this was waaayyyy outside of my
comfort zone, but I liked being bossed around a little. It gave me chills and
thrills, ya know, how sluttiness does. Being a kitty, a pet, owned, wearing a collar,
being submissive, all that. It's dark yet cute, which means it's right up my alley.
Anyway. Right now, no one loves me. I'm all broken up about it. I can barely hold
myself together enough to get through a day. I want to curl up somewhere dark and
small, go to sleep forever, and just let everyone forget I ever existed. I think
about suicide nearly constantly. The thought of death is so comforting, like being
held and rocked. Sickening, I know, but I'm just telling it how it is. My main
problem really is that I am incredibly picky about guys, and none of the ones at my
school are good enough for me. They're all nasty. Everyone pretty much sucks in high
school. There is not anyone who is at the prime of their character in high school. No
one is at their moral peak. So I'm not saying these guys are hopeless, but as they
are, I am not interested in them. So... Yeah. The one person I truly am interested in
is Benji, but he's got Ariel, and they'll probably end up getting married. I'm broken
up over that too of course, but I've accepted long ago that I can't be with him.
Before I even knew he had a girlfriend. That's because, not only is he not a
Christian, but he's a witch. He's got familiars. Demons. But he doesn't make a big
deal out of it. He doesn't even talk about it. He's not evil. He just thinks he is.
Like me. I feel evil and horrible, but I know technically I can't be, because Jesus
traded all my evil nastiness for his righteousness. Which bothers me immensely, but
that's no matter, what's done is done. If Benji would only accept Christ, renounce
his demons, I'd never ask for anything else (for myself). If he were to end up going
to hell, I'd likely try to ask God to let me go instead and send him to heaven in my
place. I know it doesn't work that way, but it's worth a shot, right? ...does that
mean I love Benji more than I love God? I don't think so. But I do love him
infinitely more than I love myself. I like the God parts of me. The parts that are
all colorful and sparkly cuz God made them that way. But I hate all the nasty
corruption and hurt and decay that colors everything else inside me. And it's 93%.
So... Yeah. Anyway. I wish someone loved me, I mean, it's a nice thought. But I
wouldn't dare ask anyone to, because I'm so disgusting. Vile, vulgar, atrocious. Ugh.
Anyway. Benji and I cuddle and kiss all night in my dreams. That's enough for now, I
guess. I need to get used to not having love, because I'm not about to get some
anytime soon. 

Kennan says:   5 December 2013   926343  
or you could not be dependent on other peoples' affection and love
which probably sounds like bullshit to you right about now
but it's a thing that you can do
even if you start out hating yourself
and I should know 

I feel like I'm going to regret posting this if I ever reread it but I
don't know what I can do about that
‹stickyvaporeon› says :   5 December 2013   349562  

lol it's okay

that's the actual problem tho, that I hate myself 
and don't know what to do other than what I've been doing
even tho what I've done in the past obviously hasn't worked 

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