Sunday, 26 December 2010
01:38:14 PM (GMT)
It was dark.
The ebony sky seemed to move back and forth, like the ocean tide. Crickets chirped
too fast, and I could hear the echo of lost laughter in my mind. I spun around and
around and around. I couldn't find my place; I was lost. Lost, and very afraid.
Why won't he come? I thought. Why won't he come find me? Isn't he supposed to
My eyes snapped open. My bedroom was dark, but behind the shades I could see the sun
trying to get through. I sat up and wipe my forehead; it was burning hot. I shuddered
as the dream came rushing through my mind, filling me with empty fear. It's just a
dream. So why are you so scared? I thought.
Because they're all the same, a tiny voice whispered back. They keep coming
back, and you can't do anything about it.
"Allie? Why are you still in bed? It's almost past noon!" Mother was standing in the
doorway, smiling cheerfully at me. "Come downstairs and eat something, okay?" I
nodded but said nothing. Mother frowned a little. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," I made myself speak. "Just tired." Satisfied, Mother left.
For a long time, I made no move to get up. I kept thinking about Him. The more I
tried to forget him, the more he invaded my mind. Finally, I could stand it no
longer. I pulled open the top drawer in my desk and found the small picture frame. It
felt so familiar in my hands, so smooth and welcoming. I closed my eyes, willing
myself to not look at it. On a sudden impulse, I threw it across the room onto my
bed. I glared at it, losing myself in a daydream about the picture catching on fire.
But I couldn't hold it off any longer. No matter how much I didn't want to, I still
wanted to look at it. I picked up the frame and turned it over. Staring up at me,
smiling like there was no tomorrow, was Matt, the boy I met last summer, the boy who
I loved, the boy who I thought loved me back. And he did for a while, I realized. But
then he stopped. And since I kept on loving him, he broke my heart.
But it wouldn't have mattered if it weren't for you. That tiny voice came
back. "Get out of my head!" I screamed. I sat on the edge of my bed and cried. I
cried because I loved someone who didn't love me back. I cried because I made things
worse by ignoring my feelings. I cried because months had passed, and I still wasn't
okay. But mostly, I cried because the breakup was my fault, no matter how many times
my friends tried to tell me it wasn't. Unwillingly, I thought back to when it
It was during the summer when I first saw him at a beach party my friend Lynnie
dragged me to. I was bored, and wanted to leave. But then I saw Matt, with his golden
head of hair and strikingly blue eyes. His face softened when he saw me, and I
blushed. I felt my whole world growing bigger and beautiful as he walked towards me,
his stride full of purpose and belonging. He introduced himself, and we sat in the
burning sand talking until the sun went down. I cried the whole way home because I
thought I would never see him again.
But Lynnie managed to get his cell phone number from some friends, and she gave it to
me. We texted each other for a week before he decided that we needed to meet again.
We met up at a park, where I found out that he didn't live far. So every day for the
rest of that month of June, we rode our bikes back and forth between our houses. We
fell in love.
July came, and I thought everything was perfect. but I got a nagging feeling in the
back of my mind. I refused to listen to it, refused to think that something was
changing. I denied it even when Matt only visited me two or three times a week
instead of every day. I tried to forget the hurt when Matt didn't have time to call
me anymore. And I faked smiles and laughter when he turned his head away, not wanting
to kiss me. After three weeks, I couldn't bear it anymore. I arrived unannounced at
his house, which should have been okay since we'd done that before. But Matt became
angry, and said that I should have told him I was coming. I yelled that it shouldn't
matter, that he should be happy to see me. It escalated into an enormous fight, until
finally, I went home with tears in my eyes.
The next day, he called me and apologized. He admitted why he was acting so strange.
And old friend had moved across the street from him, and he started to fall for her.
He told me he was confused, and tried to assure me that as long as we were together,
he wouldn't make a move on her. It wasn't good enough for me. I told him to choose
between me or her. He hesitated too long. When I hung up the phone, we weren't
Matt kept trying to call, kept trying to apologize. I was hurting too much, and my
stupid pride wouldn't let me accept his apology. It wasn't until I got a letter from
him that the dreams started. The letter said his family was unexpectedly moving
across the country. He said that if I wanted to say goodbye to him that I should come
to his house on July 31, and that he also had some things he wanted to tell me in
person. He wrote that he wasn't sure if he still loved me, but that if I still loved
him he would try as hard as he could to love me back, to keep me safe and protected
just like he used to. I didn't understand what he meant. I thought he was telling me
that he would love me just because I loved him, and he didn't want to hurt me.
That made me angry, so on July 31, I stayed in my house all day. That night, I dreamt
that I was in a park, that I was lost, and I was waiting for him to find me. But I
always woke up before he could.
Now, as I sit on my bed, I remember all my memories of Matt; good and bad. Seeing him
on his bike, riding down the sidewalk, heading to my house when I'm going to his at
the same time. Unexpectedly seeing him at the store or the movies. Knowing what the
other person means without having to say it out loud. But then as the weeks went by,
Matt wouldn't even look my way if we happened to see each other. He would listen to
what I said because he thought he had to, instead of because he wanted to.
I continued to cry as I think about how I'll never know what Matt wanted to say to
me. I have this sudden, crazy idea in my head that my tears are like rain, and it's
still summer. The rain is falling, and I can't see through it. Matt is one side of
the rain, and I'm on the other. I know he's there, but we can't talk. All I have to
do is walk through the rain to get to him, to find out what he want's to say, but I
don't because I'm stubborn. So the rain keeps falling, and he's gone. I never get the
chance to hear his true feelings.
Hours later, at around 4:00, as I'm feeling low and thinking about summer, my cell
phone rings. I'm shocked when I see the number; there's no name or ID picture to
identify who it is, but the numbers are etched into my brain, no matter how hard I
try to forget. I just stare at the phone for a moment, unable to believe this is
Matt is calling me.
Slowly, I press the talk button and raise the phone to my ear. I wonder what he's
going to say. I wonder if he'll be mad, and is calling to tell me so. I wonder if
he's sad, too. I wonder if he just missed me, and wanted to talk. I wonder if he
want's to get back together. I wonder what I'll say to him, but most of all, I wonder
if I'm dreaming. Finally, I say, "H-hello?" My heart is pounding.
"Hey. It's me."
Later, as I lay in bed staring at the darkened ceiling, I no longer have to wonder
what Matt would have said to me on July 31. I no longer feel as if I'm waiting for
something. I no longer feel that the history between me and him was never really
over, that it would never end once and for all. I no longer think that we are an
unfinished story, that the rain will forever fall, not allowing me to walk through. I
no longer wonder if he would have said he loved me and really, really meant it.
Because today, exactly one year later, he told me that he did.
Last edited: 30 December 2010