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This diary entry is written by ‹***そら***のあなたはだいき›. ( View all entries )
 
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Hit Me AgainCategory: (general)
Sunday, 29 August 2010
03:14:05 AM (GMT)
Pain. Anger. Hate. The three are eating me alive. That's all I seem to be able to
eminate. Given that I've cooled down some over the last month. Still. Whether I cool
or not doesn't matter. I can't supress the regret, the sudden urges to break things,
yell, scream, hit something. I can't get away from it. No matter how hard I try, I
can't escape the endless plane of all this...evil, for lack of a better term. 

I feel empty most of the time. Most likely because of all that pent up emotional
bullshit. Like waves of it just come out and I hurt people. To the extent that I
almost cry FOR them. The emptiness makes me forget how others feel. Most importantly
how I feel. If I can't feel, then I can't care how anyone else does. 

My head's all fucked up. I haven't been thinking straight for years. I say stupid
shit like 'oh fuck, I'm pregnant' if I get too little sleep or if I eat too much
sugar or whatever. That's total bullshit. I say stupid shit if I'm under too much
fucking stress and on my period. Whatever. Yeah I'm fucking crazy. Anyways. My head
is all fucked up. I have a weird thought process, MPD, and bipolar shit. I don't
think right. I act certain ways randomly. And I change personalities every day. One
day I'll be happy. The next I'll be psycho bitch from hell. Ugh. 

Granted, so's my life. 

But my life can go suck a two-foot dick and die. I'm so over it! Life is so
over-rated. I mean, one can only take so much shit before they finally snap. You
know? Seriously. I've Bern molested by my best guy friend, beaten, almost-raped,
Almost murdered, killed a bajillion times, almost successfully killed myself, blah
blah blah. The list goes on. The point is, I've taken a lot of shit. Maybe that's why
I'm so fucked in the head. 

Fuck. Like, rough sex? Damn. Sounds like a great fucking time to me. 

I didn't used to think that. 

I used to be a good kid. Fuckin' geetastic at school, charismatic, cute, not insane,
not bitchy, not bad period. Tch. Look at me now. I'm an ugly person with freaky blood
disorders, insomnia, a retarded brain, and let's not forget insanity. 

I didn't used to cut or smoke pot. Well, I don't anymore but whatever.  

No. I used to smile and play outside. 

What the fuck happened?! I mean, fuck man. All that shit in my life happened and now
it's my excuse to be an insane heartless asshole. -_- I hate being like that. I don't
give a fuck about trauma. That's just bullshit. Traumas an excuse. A very oddly
convincing one. 

Ugh. Just whatever. 

Now I wanna get beaten for being who I am as this.......disgrace of a human being. Do
it. I don't care. I'm fed up. I can't do Jack about my life. I'm over my stupid
philosophies. 'Whatever happens, happens and there's nothing I can do about it,'
'Looking on the brighter side is another way to say you're okay,' 'Smile. It feels
good.' Fuck that. None of it works. I'm just a fountain of retarded non-helpful
bullshit. That's all I am, plus a psycho bitch. Nothing more. And everything less. 

So hit me. Once, twice, a million times. I just wanna feel, if it's not too much to
ask.

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