Thursday, 12 February 2009
10:57:56 PM (GMT)
I just wanted to fill in all of you who still know who I am, about what's been going
on with me lately.
Okay, first thing:
Lately I've been having even more low self-esteem than usual. Wait, did any of you
know that I had one in the first place? But yeah. I just have been thinking of myself
lately as very ugly. I don't know why honestly, because I had period of time sort-of
recently where I, for the first time, thought I was good-looking. I don't know, I
just wish I wasn't as thin, that I wasn't as shy, and alot more. I just see all of
the couples at school, and I just get filled with envy. I hate how I tell myself when
I think a girl is cute "You have no chance," "She's not in your league," or "I can't
picture her with anybody except for the jocks/skaters/etc."
But truly the only thing I hate about my appearance is my face and, as mentioned
before, how I'm pretty skinny. From the neck down, I really do like how I look. I
love the things I wear. And this isn't one of those "I love my clothes, but others
think they're ugly" situations. They really are clothes that look good. I just don't
have the looks to match, if that makes sense. Ugh, I just wish I could hurry and get
my contacts, get some type of coloring or look for my hair. [While keeping it the
same long-ish length, of course.]
Plus,I just wish that not all girls [atleast at my school] only looked for
appearance. Dunno, once again.
This has to do with me wishing I wasn't as skinny. I do like being skinny, but as I
said, I just wish I wasn't AS skinny. Pretty much, I just wish I was stronger in many
ways. Physically, emotionally, etc. Why I wish for this is because I really want to
be able to stand up against those who are bullying the weak. You know, kinda like
Jimmy Hopkins from the game Bully. [Read Jimmy's
definition, and other things about the game and him.] When it comes to this subject,
Jimmy is my hero. Okay, back on topic: I don't necessarily get picked on. But alot of
people talk shit to/about me, when they DON'T KNOW SHIT. I could easily named several
people in my grade [8th grade, btw. People need to fucking grow up.] that are picked
on, and bullied. I-I just want to be able to be strong enough to defend those people,
with words and maybe even physically. But I can't. I don't have the courage, or the
toughness to back up that courage. I just want to teach those assholes a lesson. I
want to fucking make them realize that they are, in a way, just as weak as those who
they are picking on. I want them to realize that, and become bullies to those who are
bullies to the weak, and so on and so forth, too. I know this might not make sense,
Both of these things have pretty much one thing in common.
I want people to respect me and like me, and respect and like others.
I guess that's what you could say that they both have in common.
Or atleast that's what I wish for about the second thing.
*Sigh* I don't fucking know once again.
Now, on the bright side:
This weekend is a four-day weekend, and I'm supposed to be hanging out with Milton
for the first time in more than a month. I haven't even talked to him on the phone
since then, either, because he's [supposedly] very busy said his dad on the phone a
couple of times. Now I could easily turn this into something negative, but I won't.
Anyway, I don't know if he has a four-day weekend where he now lives, or not. I sure
Lmao, notice how the negatives outweighed the positive
I could easily type about more negative things, more details [some making the
subjects make more since], but I've seriously been typing this for an hour or longer,
even though I told myself I was going to make this short. So, I'm finally going to
end this long-ass diary entry. If you read this whole thing, I love you, you're a
great person, and you win over 9000 points. [Doubt anybody will, without falling