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This diary entry is written by ‹<20/20Hindsight>›. ( View all entries )
 
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Fuck youCategory: (general)
Saturday, 16 September 2017
10:04:54 AM (GMT)
Tired of feeling chained to the ground. The extremes. Not feeling what you think im
supposed to feel. Not being allowed to have issues. I hide mine. I suck it up. For
you. I dont count on you to do the right specific special thing that'll magically
make it all better. I just am. I let you see the half thats fine and goofy and weird
and happy and fuckin cares but now most of the time all i can feel is the empty
trapped half thats wants to destroy. Cut. Drink. Not feel. I want to sleep. I want to
sleep not worried ill wake up to you glaring in my face like a pist off kicked puppy
because a girl i dont even know said hello to me on instagram. You're fucking crazy
and i cannot tell you that. You constantly ask what im thinking but if i dont edit my
thoughts and give you what you want to hear then ill just experience again your
complete mood shift and distaste in hearing that i could actually be fucking sad for
no fucking reason or that i would rather play a strategic videogame where i have a
chance of winning instead of arguing and losing to you again in a fight we've had a
thousand times to make you feel better, even though it doesn't work like that. The
definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a
different result.
I change.
I adapt.
I get over things im not able to get over.
I move on.
I remove habits.

You refuse to change. 
You refuse to feel better.
You refuse to let go.
You refuse to stop blaming me.

Im just the closest target sometimes. Wouldnt wanna lose one of your precious
friends. 

Tired of being the only thing that effects you and the one thing that doesn't.

This is part of why we ended. 
Why im moving.

Now you refer to us as an us. 
The apartment as ours instead of just yours.
Now you stop fighting every single day.
Now i have some freedom.

Now. Is too late.

I made my mistakes. And i fucking fixed them.
At least try to fucking understand me. Not why. Or how. Or where. Dont profile me
like an episode of criminal minds. Because im really sick of it.

Why do i always pick women like this? I dont even know who the fuck i am anymore ive
changed and changed and changed and stayed the same and moved on and stood still and
jesus fuck why doesn't anything work why can't anyone love me for who i fucking am
longer than a month before they need to fucking change me? I cant fucking keep doing
this! Its killing me. 
Cancel that.
Im already dead.
If everything falls away. I wont care. Nobody will find me. Everyone only cares about
the memory of me...

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