Monday, 11 May 2009
12:29:02 PM (GMT)
Oh no, I've gotten bored enough to write one of these.
!!! WARNING: The following diary entry will probably be crazy, nonsensical,
overly stupid, feature swear words, and other things that may offend people.
Therefore, since this is a kids site,
DO NOT READ THIS UNLESS YOU ARE OVER THE AGE OF 18 OR ARE NOT EASILY OFFENDED
Did you read the warning? ^^^^ Up there?
Okay? You read it and understood, right?
Okay? We've warned enough people now I think. Maybe I'm overreacting but I don't
particularly want to start a shit-storm or something, right? Don't say I didn't warn
you. I've only been on kupika for 4 days but somehow I'm enjoying the smaller, more
innocent community. And the oekaki of course! Buuuuuuut I also like complaining. And
I feel the need to do this and realize my anger before I end up going axe-crazy. And
maybe get some perspective. It's strange why I've even on here. Normally I'm on the
more popular (and more depraved) sections of the internet. But that's not entirely
So who am I? I am a 17 year-old godless-heathen (atheist), an IB nerd, and a
delinquent to name a few. I'd post some of my good traits too but I like leaving that
up to other people to find out.
So let's start complaining. Mostly it's about my best friend. She's very friendly,
very hyper and very weird (but in a different way than me). She's also normally very
happy but I found out last year that it's all apparently a mask. Long story short,
being the overly-observant freakish OCD girl I am in real life, I noticed her wearing
long sleeved-shirts a lot more often, and then noticed that she was cutting herself.
Insert a whirlwind of pain and fury and teenage drama as my circle of friends
realizes one of the happiest among us really isn't that happy at all, but suffering
from industrial-strength clinical depression. But I said all this was last year.
She's attending counseling sessions, has a therapist, and has stopped cutting. Things
should be happier, right?
But they're really not. Of course I told her I'd always support her and she could
bother me as much as she wanted if it helped her get better. And now I'm feeling the
pressure of the friend that realizes in the end, people have to help
themselves. It's probably stupidity on my part, but I feel a responsibility
towards her well being. This is the downfall of the all important virtue of
"empathy". If you have empathy, shouldn't you be able to understand a person and
together move towards happiness? The problem is, you can't always help a person. Then
your empathy just ends up draining the life out of you.
I want to help her, despite all her faults and flaws. Probably because of her
faults and flaws. But at times, I feel like I should just finish the job myself to
get it over with! Down the river, not across the stream, kiddies! I thought
depression made you feel sad, not lose your brain. God. Like, just 2 weeks ago, she
randomly ran off with some random dude at a bus stop to have sex even though she has
a boyfriend. I thought that was bad, and then after that I found out she didn't use a
condom. I mean. Just. I'm having trouble comprehending the stupidity of it y'know?!
Some random guy off the street? Really? I almost felt like laughing and saying to her
face "ENJOY YOUR AIDS", just because I can't think of another reaction.
And there was before that, when we had a drinking party at my house. I was enjoying
alternating between passing out on the floor (I'm an extreme lightweight) and
attempting to play video games with a few of my other friends. But this ridiculous
girl decides to take advantage of the alcohol it and takes my other best friend to
the guest room. This is confusing, so let's start using names. Let's name crazy
depressive girl Christine and my other best friend Mio. So they're both girls, right?
The fact that they were having hot lesbian sex in my house doesn't bother me that
much since they were pretty quiet according to my other friends. What bothers me is
that Mio didn't remember anything and was freaking out about the fact that she woke
up with no pants and 'it' hurt. Obviously I asked Christine what the fuck was she
doing, right? And apparently she's had a crush on Mio since forever.
Okay...well, come out and confess your feelings before you get a boyfriend and
before you resort to making your crush drunk enough to sleep with you. She is
fucking lucky that Mio is such a forgiving person.
ArgHHHHH, and last week I lend my $100 set of headphones to her for ONE CLASS and she
manages to lose them somehow (but that's not as dramatic I admit).
Even just talking to her is getting annoying. I feel I should be more understanding.
Clinical depression is a big fucking deal. It's pretty much a legit mental disease or
whatever. But GOD, having her come to my house crying and sobbing for absolutely no
fucking reason for the 30th time is getting on my nerves!
And then she'll complain about her horrifying ultra-conservative parents being super
strict, not letting her go out, forcing chores onto her, generally yelling and
arguing with her. At first in a state of pumped-up virtuous rage I marched to her
house to have a shouting match with her parents. I think my mentality was, "Try it
with someone who can list all your cognitive biases and logical fallacies as they
happen, BITCH!" Only to find out that it was a huuuuuuuge over exaggeration. They
were understandably a bit frustrated...but that was it. I asked Christine about it
and her response was, "....oh."
Fuuuuuck it pisses me off sometimes.
I don't even know the point of this diary, because in the end I don't know who I'm
more angry at. Me or her. Her for stupidity and general all-around-fucked-up-ness or
me for being such a pushover about it. We're still friends. We still go out and have
rare days where things are fun and we laugh and joke about stupid stuff. Maybe it's
those days that I'm fighting for. Hell, even today I'm making her an bento to cheer
her up (she's a AAA-level fangirl otaku). I just want her to get better.
Should I make a joke about the power of friendship here?
Okay, okay. I promise my rant's done now.
We now return to your regularly scheduled programming!