Friday, 10 April 2009
04:38:33 PM (GMT)
When I met you, my life was spiraling. Twisting and turning around me, making me
disoriented most of the time. When you found me, I was on the edge... more than ready
to take that step that would lead to my final goodbyes. My 'happy' ending.
When I saw you that day, something... something inside me clicked. I don't know what
it was, how or why it happened, or if it meant anything. But as soon as I saw your
face, I took the smallest step away from the edge and thought... just thought. About
what, I don't remember but it wasn't about death or hatred or depression. I just
thought to myself about the things that were around me. I thought about the people I
could see, the smells that I finally noticed, the noises that filled my ears. I
actually began to pay attention to what other people were saying instead of blocking
them out so I could wallow in my own problems.
Now, no one could actually notice this. This sadness I was hiding in the depths of my
soul that only came out to greet me during the night; when the air is silent and the
only things I can see are the images my mind sets before me.
No, absolutely no one could have ever seen this darkness within me. Maybe it's
because they didn't care enough to look. I'd rather think it's because I'm really
good at hiding i
As much as I hide these feelings, I have to admit that those smiles and laughs were
Baby, when I met you I was dying inside. I was falling, breaking, slipping farther
away from sanity with each moment that passed.
But, that day we met, you caught me.
You caught me seconds before I hit the ground,
seconds before I shattered,
seconds before I broke completely beyond repair.
I do admit that those seconds could have been weeks in reality but in my mind -in my
sick, twisted, disturbed mind- seconds would have passed before the dead-line.
And don't take dead-line lightly.
No, I'm not going to say that I was in love.
Because I don't -I can't- believe in that anymore. To many 'incidents' have occurred
for me to believe in love-at-first-sight any longer.
And even though I can't say I loved you from the beginning, I can say that I felt a
connection with you from the very start, from the very second I looked into your eyes
and said 'hello..'
I knew you were different from what I've seen, what I've experienced, from what I've
had to deal with.
I could see by the look in your eyes that you've never hurt anyone who didn't deserve
it. In fact, I could tell by the very way you spoke that you'd never do anything to
harm me. I could just tell, and I was right.
And, again, I admit that over the time I've known you I've tried to force myself to
hate you. I've tried to convince myself that you're just like all the others, that
you don't care about me or anyone other than yourself. I told myself this even though
I believed -I knew- it wasn't true.
And as soon as the thought began to wrap slowing around my brain, as soon as I began
to sink again. You pulled me back up to the light, stared me in the eyes and said you
wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. You promised to me that you'd never do
anything to harm me on purpose, you promise that you'd watch over me, protect me from
everything and everyone.
But can you protect me from myself, Cliff?
Can you take away these thoughts of harm and self-hatred?
Can you take away the memories? The nightmares?
That's what you told me.
That's what you promised me.
Those are the words that made that click inside me turn into a marge of body and
I felt that inside me and that was the first time I told you I loved you.
Of course, you had been saying you loved me for a while before I was able to respond
to it but none-the-less, you wrapped your arms around me, squeezed me until I thought
my eyes were going to pop out of my skull like one of those dolls, and whispered in
my ear, "Thank you."
Now, at the time I didn't quite understand what you meant. I couldn't comprehend the
words that flowed from your lips so smoothly. I didn't know what you meant. But now
that I look back on it, I wonder if you really were waiting for my to say 'I love
you, too' for that long while. I started wondering if you really did love me as much
as you tell me you do.
And as the thought of someone actually loving me the way you do sunk in... my walls
And, like any army in any war that shields themselves behind a barricade, as soon as
I saw my walls start to crumble, I panicked. I fired all my weapons, lit every
cannon, threw ever grenade, and planted every bomb that I could think of. And while I
was in my little panicking state-of-mind, you were left to make sense of it all. I
left you alone to wonder what you could have possibly done wrong. . . I left you to
believe that you had, in fact, done something wrong. When in all actuality you did
something so increasingly great that I couldn't find myself to believe any of it.
And I'm sorry.
I'm so incredibly sorry that I made you feel so horrible when it was All. My. Fault.
You asked to me promise that I'd love you forever, that I'd always be yours, that I'd
never leave you.
. . .And I told you I couldn't make a promise like that.
I looked you in the eyes and basically told you I didn't love you. (Or at least, it
was just as bad.)
And I saw it in your eyes; I saw the hurt, I saw rejection that was overwhelming your
And even though I knew you were breaking on the inside, I did nothing. I did
absolutely nothing to help you, nothing to make it better. I just let you believe
that I didn't love you the way you loved me...
I let myself believe it, too.
I didn't want to.
I knew I loved you, I knew I wanted you forever, I knew that you were the one that
could save me... I knew it but deep down inside the depths of my mind, I couldn't
help but deny it.
And now that I look back of that day, I know why.
I know it was because I didn't want to be hurt, I thought I was saving myself when I
was setting myself up to fall. And I fell, oh yes, I fell.
I fell for a long time after that day...
I fell for so agonizingly long that I began to realize that this is what I deserve.
I didn't deserve you or your love.
And the farther I fell, the more I believed it.
But guess who was there to catch me seconds before I hit the bottom... again.
And the second I fell into your arms, Cliff, I gave up on all my doubts.
I gave up on every depressing thought that entered my mind while I was falling, I
gave up on my hatred towards myself and thought, 'Be happy for once in your life, you
I smiled, looked you in the eyes, and said, "I love you." with all the sincerity
anyone could ever have.
I saw a sparkle in your eyes but it looked more like uncertainty than happiness and I
felt my heart sink for the slightest second before you smirked and asked, "Forever?"
. . .
"Forever and ever".
Cliff, I'm sorry for all the shit that I've made you go through.
But just knowing that you'd go through it all for me makes me love you even more.
I love you more than anything, forever and ever.