Friday, 25 January 2008
01:02:58 AM (GMT)
What Not To Say To A Police Officer:
What Not To Say To A Police Officer
01. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in
02. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't
03. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
04. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with
me. Good job!
05. Are You Andy or Barney?
06. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical
condition to be a police officer.
07. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
08. I pay your salary!
09. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave
me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there
are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have
you been drinking?"
You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes
look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him
about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying
to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the
ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head. The farmer
said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?" The trooper paused to
take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of
circle flies." The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common
on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling
the back end of a horse." The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says,"
Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?" "Oh no, officer." The farmer
replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that."
"That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies,
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly, the horse falls into a mud
hole and starts to sink. The horse yells at the chicken to go and get the farmer to
help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be
found. So, the chicken gets into the farmer's Mercedes and drives it as fast as
possible back to the mud hole. Wasting no time, the chicken ties a rope around the
bumper, and then tosses the other end of the rope to the horse. As the horse hangs on
for dear life, the chicken drives the car forward, and saves the horse from sinking.
A few days later, the chicken and horse are playing in the meadow again. This time,
the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yells to the horse to hurry and get
the farmer, or the farmer's Mercedes. The horse then says, "Wait, I think I can stand
over the mud hole!" So, he stretches over the width of the hole and says to the
chicken, "Reach up and grab my "thingy", and pull yourself up!!!" And the chicken did
so, and pulled herself up to safety. The Moral of the Story: If you are hung like a
horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
It is a good idea to "shop around" before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the
condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy!
After all you're paying for it. Dave Barry
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a
coat hanger, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to
catch her breath, and her friend aid anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and
the top is down!"
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he
decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing
red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he
thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally
120 with the lights still behind him. "What in the world am I doing?" he thought and
pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it
and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like
more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard
before you can go!" "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was
afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Off you go," said the officer.
Dodge is the perfect thing to put on the front of a big van that's coming right at
Because they have opposable thumbs, apes are the only animals that can hitch-hike.
A policeman sits in his cruiser, in his favorite hiding spot next to the bar. At 2:30
am, the bar closes and people start coming out. The cop notices one poor drunk fellow
who stumbles into the parking lot, and thinks, "I've gotcha, buddy! As people keep
leaving, this poor guy trips and falls, dropping his keys. He searches for his keys
for about 10 minutes, ambling around in a daze as still more people are driving off.
Finding his keys, he then tumbles into the nearest car, and tries to open the hood
with his key. Unsuccessful but undaunted, he tries this on four other cars, at last
finding his own. After many tries, he finally gets the door open, collapses into
driver's seat, and passes out for 30 seconds. He turns the car on as the last
remaining customer drives off. He then puts the car in drive, and goes no further
than two feet, and the cop is on him! After submitting to a breathalyzer test, and
coming up zero, the cop asks, "I saw you stumbling, snot-licking drunk! How are you
coming up sober?" The man replied, "I was the D.D.-Designated Decoy."
The other day I went to the local religious bookstore where I saw a "Honk if you love
Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back of my car. I'm really glad
I did. What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at the light at a busy
intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light
had changed ........ that sticker really worked! I found out a lot of people loved
Jesus. Why the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord
because pretty soon he leaned out of his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ" as loud as
he could. It was like a football game with shouting "Go, Jesus Christ, Go!" Everyone
else starting honking so I leaned out my window, waved, and smiled to all those nice
people. There must have been a guy from Florida because I could hear him yelling
something about "Sunny Beach" and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle
finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant and they kind of
squirmed, looked at each other, giggled, and told me that it was the Hawaiian "good
luck" sign. So I leaned out my window and gave them the good luck sign back. A couple
of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars
and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that
the light had changed and I stepped on the gas. A good thing, too, because I was the
only driver to get through the intersection. I looked back at them standing there,
leaned out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign
as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
Did you hear Ford is installing heated tailgates on their pickup trucks. That's so in
the winter your hands don't get cold when you push them.
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been
killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and
hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I
wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and
down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey
shook his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by
his mouth. "They were drinking?" asked the officer. "Yes," nodded the Monkey. "What
else?" asked the officer. The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to
his mouth, sucking inward quickly. "They were smoking marijuana too?" said the
officer. "Yes," nodded the Monkey. "What else?" queried the officer? The monkey made
a sexual sign with his fingers "So they were playing around too?" asked the astounded
officer. "Yes," nodded the monkey. "Now wait, you're saying your owners were
drinking, smoking and playing around before they wrecked the car?" "Yes," the Monkey
nodded. "What were you doing during all this?" asked the Officer. "Driving," motioned
Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road. "I
suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of
gas' routine." "No," said Fred, " I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine." "The
'here after' routine-----what's that?" she wanted to know. "If you're not here after
what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone."
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great
day out on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in
newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding...
Wouldn't you know, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, motioned him to the side of
the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen. The cop walked up to the window and
said, "You know how fast you were going, BOY?" Bob thought for a second and said,
"Uhh, 60?" "67 mph, son! 67 mph in a 55 zone!" said the cop. "But if you already
knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?" Fuming over Bob's answer, the
officer growled, in his normal sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're
getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob, in his stained
fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never
seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a
good well-paying job!" The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish catch, said,
"What kind of a job would a bum like you have?" "I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied
Bob. "What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman. "I'm a rectum stretcher!" The cop,
scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explained, "People
call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start
with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then
I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across." The
cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do
with a six foot asshole? Bob said "You give him a radar gun and place him by a
The National Safety Board recently divulged a highly secret plan they had funded with
the U.S. automakers for the past five years. The NSB covertly funded a project where
the automakers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an
effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds
before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words
of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit." Only the state of Alabama was
different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, watch this"!
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady
driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?" The woman
replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked
up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was
another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in
front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer
replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm She didn't panic however, because
she remembered what her dad had once told her "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm,
just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a
snowplow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about
forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she
was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a
snowstorm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the
Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?"
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each
other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a
car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on
their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he
was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment,
then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw,
walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
A man and a woman are driving toward each other on a windy mountain road. As they
pass, the woman screams out the window, "Pig!" The man screams back, "Bitch!" Further
down the road, around a corner, the man hits a pig in the middle of the road. Moral:
Men never listen.
A blond woman was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in
the middle of a real bad hailstorm. The hailstones were as big as golf balls. Her car
got dented up real bad. The next day she took it to a repair shop. The repair guy
noticing that she was blonde, decided to have some fun and told her to blow into the
tail pipe real hard when she got home, and the dents would pop out. When she got home
she started blowing into the tail pipe, and her blonde girl friend saw her. Her
friend was startled and said, "What are you doing?" .. thinking the worst. She told
her the repair guy told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard and the dents would
pop out. Her girlfriend says "Duuuh! You need to roll up the windows first"
Tiger Woods was on his way to Augusta National Golf Course in Georgia to play golf.
He took the opportunity to drive his new Mercedes through the hills of the Blue Ridge
Mountains. While in 'The South,' he stopped to get gas at a little podunk service
station in the middle of nowhere. There was an attendant with three teeth and
bib-overalls sitting on the bench outside of the station. The attendant knew
absolutely nothing of golf and certainly didn't know who Tiger Woods was. While Tiger
was pumping the gas, a couple of golf tees fell from his pocket onto the ground.
"Ahhh, say there fella. You dropped somethin'," noticed the attendant. "Oh, yea,
Thanks. Those are my tees," replied Tiger. "Your what?" came the response. "TEES"
snapped Tiger. "Well, whater them fo'?" "They're Tees -- You know! They hold up my
balls when I'm driving." "Gawlleee," remarked the attendant. "Dem Mercedes folks
think of everything, don't they?"
:Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and
struck a tree near Cotton Patch on Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County
deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Archie
Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious
condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident occurred as the two men were
returning to Des Arc from a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's
pick-up truck's headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight
fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not
available, Wallis noticed that a .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly
into the fuse box next to the steering column. Upon inserting the bullet, the
headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded on the
east-bound toward the White River bridge. After traveling approximately twenty miles
and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and
struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting
the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from
the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a
broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge
when Archie shot his nuts off or we might both be dead" stated Wallis. "I've been a
trooper for ten tears in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't
believe that those two would admit to how this accident happened", said Snyder. Upon
being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife, asked how many frogs the boys had
caught and did anyone get them out of the truck.
Last edited: 5 July 2010