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This diary entry is written by Kablammo_Dude. ( View all entries )
 
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PessimismCategory: (general)
Friday, 28 October 2011
07:03:22 PM (GMT)
It's not just an outlook.
It's a way of life.
Even in the happiest moments of my life, I feel sorrow.
I can be completely wrapped in the arms of the woman I love, yet inside I feel
nothing but depression.
This is the happiest I've ever been, yet I know it cannot last.
The fact that she will have to leave makes it impossible to enjoy the moments we have
together.
Some days I just want to die.
I know that if I die, she will too..
And after that, we can be together forever, not restricted by the limits of this
world.
I hate the way I think.
I wish I could flip a switch, and be happy and positive forever.
I CAN'T.
I HATE MY LIFE.
Right now, I am happy.
This is the happiest time of my life, ever!
Yet, I am not happy.
I am worried.
I am anxious.
I am sad.
I am angry.
I am NOT MYSELF!
OR maybe I am more of myself than I usually am.
I don't fucking KNOW!
What the fuck am I supposed to do if I go to school.
And she doesn't.
I am supposed to live 3 hours away, go to school everyday, and know she still loves
me.
I am supposed to not worry, to trust her, to never question our relationship.
YEAH FUCKING RIGHT!
I don't know.
I trust her.
I love her.
I KNOW INSIDE THAT I WILL NEVER CHEAT ON HER.
How am I supposed to know that she won't find somebody better?
How am I supposed to know that when I know that 9 out of 10 guys out there are better
than me?
HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT?
I don't know.
If she doesn't get in, I might just not go.
I might just wait until she gets in.
I don't know.
I can't live without her, at all.
I can't be 3 hours away from her.
It won't work.
I DON'T KNOW!
I need to shut up.
I love you, Jesse.
I always will.
I just think I am losing my mind.

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