Confession 5: Thighs-highs and pantyhose Login to Kupika  or  Create a new account 

This diary entry is written by NikolaBleedsBleu. ( View all entries )
Previous entry: "I've ruined 69% of my teenage life". (Stolen from Yanely_a_la_mode) in category Wonky Fun
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Confession 5: Thighs-highs and pantyhoseCategory: Confessions
Saturday, 16 July 2011
04:14:32 AM (GMT)
So uhm this requires me to explain two things I've mentioned before.
Mention 1: The Situation with my parents
They both are work-a-holics. I honestly think they use work to escape their problems
because there is no way in hell anyone can work that much and that long. They go on
these extremely long business trips. We might not see them for three months at a
time. I remember one year I literally saw my parents four times. Sometimes we'll have
just mom or just dad for a week or two and then they're off again, sometimes we have
one parent for a month, it's hectic. Our teachers know the situation and tend to just
e-mail them problems they have with us or whatever and out parents give us a strict
talking to via video chat or phone. It wasn't always this way but I'm not
complaining. We get a month... allowance I dunno what to call it. It includes bills
to be paid, grocery money, and extra for weekly allowances and emergencies and shit.
As a rule me and Ivan stay a foot away from each other at all times when our parents
are around (and we NEVER do anything that could even slightly be read wrong in front
of our little brother). My father is a strict, conservative asshole. He doesn't know
I'm gay, but he says I am all the time for him that's the highest insult he can give
me. When he's around I keep my hair in a pony tail, polish off my nails and make-up
off my face. Sometimes, I even dress a little different. I don't wear the same colors
and I don't wear things the same way. He hates my choice in music, my friend, and he
doesn't see how Ivan and I are twins. Ivan gets by with tighter clothes and "bad"
music because he's got more muscles and he's on the soccer team and bring trophies
not related to art or literature in the house. My mom dislikes my choices in
everything but she believes everything I'm going through is trendy and just a phase.
Neither of them realize how much it hurts and what hurts more is that they don't
approve of me already imagine what they'd think if they knew the whole truth. I'd be
disowned and that's why I never intend to tell them anything. I will never come out
to them. 
Mention 2: Gender
So I mentioned that I had and still really have some gender identity issues. I know I
like guys but I don't know whether I'm a girl trapped in a guy's body, gender-less,
gender-queer, or just a normal gay guy. I'm still trying to figure it out. I like my
hair long, I wear make-up and I paint my nails but of course these things don't mean
anything because tons of straight men do all that too and have for a long time. My
clothes are tight because I like the snugness.  I'm not attracted to women, I don't
necessarily want to be a woman but when I see "butch" women I get a little turned on
but that could be because of the masculinity. I think gender is a human creation. Yes
there are different sexual organ but those don't govern your personality or behavior.
I've never been a tough boy and my mother always wanted a daughter so she wasn't as
"don't cry.", "be a man." "go fishing" as my father was with my brother. I don't
think that made me gay but I think it made me lack the "macho-man" mentality and that
coupled with negative events from my childhood left me confused and wondering,
despite my parts, if I was a boy at all. 

I'm a little less confused than I used to be. This is due to experimentation. While
my parents are away me and Ivan...indulge ourselves. We smoke, we drink, we go out to
parties and we get trustworthy pregnant friends (one particular friend who loves
children, we'll call her Nina) to watch our little brother for $50. She's nice so we
might pay 50 a week and go out every night. It's not THAT bad but we do a lot,
especially during the summer. Not so much during the school year because our teachers
and parents stay on our asses. One summer for a while I was going through a thing
where I thought I was maybe a girl. SO with a little saved up money I bought a couple
little outfits, a wig and sweet Ivan bought me some lacey things and I checked out a
couple videos and next thing you know we've got a sexy cousin that looks a little
like Nikola named Sasha. Ivan thought I looked pretty convincing and so for a while I
dressed up like a girl everywhere we went and he always introduced me as our Russian
cousin Sasha. After a while I realized I like doing it but I wasn't necessarily
digging being a girl. I liked my penis and had no desire to change it. So I swapped
back to Nikola. Ivan's friends thought I was pretty hot. I didn't hang with them much
as Sasha because I still sounded like a guy but they saw me and Ivan around and pics
of us and stuff. When a situation came up where I might have to speak, Ivan would
explain I was Russian lol and didn't know English. Occasionally his friend will ask
about our hot cousin and say stuff like "I'd like (insert sexual something) her" and
Ivan laughs. I don't think it's funny but I guess the real gasp moment is that I like
knowing they want me and would fuck me as a girl but they can barely say hi to me
when Ivan isn't there as a boy. 

Things I did as Sasha:
~Went on a few dates with Ivan in public.
                Funny story: It was a dinner date and I wore a skirt and this frilly
neck shirty thing and the skirt was sort of short and tight and Ivan is sort of an
exhibitionist. (NO, what you are thinking happened DID NOT happen) but we're at the
table and he's saying stuff like whispering kinky shit and I was tucked but not
really taped well so I became untucked and SO I had this bulge in this fucking tight
skirt and its not like we were in a booth so anyone looking at me from the side could
see and I was trying pathetically to hide it and Ivan thought it was fucking funny so
he's laughing and cracking jokes and shit (which I'm sure drew more attention).  But
this creepy guy who'd been eyeing me at first, he noticed because he kept staring and
I dunno he didn't alert the people around him I don't think(some chick and maybe her
or his parents? young couple and an old couple basically- no one else was paying
attention to us) but he kept glancing at us. So we're waiting for our drinks and Ivan
goes to the bathroom and the guy jumps up and half runs after him. Ivan comes back
nearly in tears, he's had a wonderful time getting aroused and laughing at me and
apparently laughing at the guy because the guy felt the need to warn him that the
chick he was having dinner with might be a guy. It made me turn horribly red but of
course that made Ivan laugh more and he told the guy "I know. I'm fucking him." I
died. I died there. I wanted to leave so bad, like I dunno maybe the guy was
homophobic but I didn't even look over there to see if he was looking at us still
because I was so embarrassed. Ivan said he kept staring but OMG not cool. I laugh
about it now but...
~Made out with Ivan in public
~Went in a girl's bathroom for the hell of it

‹Visably-Vacant› says:   24 January 2012   352906  
First you don't start a preface with mention one or mention two. 
WTF?   Second.  You can't just write like you talk.  It is easier to
listen than to read.  You can't just write what you are thinking. 
Other than that I can't give you anymore advice because I didn't even
read more than 200 words.  Yuk.  You suck.
NikolaBleedsBleu says:   25 January 2012   797656  
That has to be the dumbest criticism of a diary entry EVER. lol I'm
not writing a novel, a paper or my autobiography, I don't sit down and
make a damn outline.

 Also, I don't think preface means what you think it means...yeah.
Also, I don't remember asking for advice! But alright, awesome sauce.
I'm not even mad, I'm just trying to figure out if you're kidding or
serious lol I was going to point out everything wrong with
your...."advice" on... past events and emotions...? But that's a lot
of energy and I don't think you would understand.
‹That Shirt's Hella Dough› says:   17 February 2013   623028  
wow .-.
its a diary, fucktard.
not a novel. cx 
‹Visably-Vacant› says :   15 April 2013   367303  
It is horible writing fucktard.

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