Friday, 15 July 2011
04:46:06 AM (GMT)
I think I might go swallow a whole bunch of pills right now. A bottle of pills I
find in my mom's room. It would be so easy to overdose, so easy to end this all. I
could wash away my fears, my doubts and worries. I could wash away all these years,
of hate and self harm. I could just go away, end this all, with a glass of water and
a few handfuls of pills.
I'd no longer have to feel ugly, to big, not pretty enough. I'd no longer have to
feel I'd never be good enough, never be loved apart from pitty. I'd no longer have to
feel crazy, sick, demented. All I'd have to feel is dead. I'd no longer have to feel
selfish, guilty, needy. I'd no longer have to scar myself when I felt like I'dd done
something wrong, said something stupid, assumed what was never there. I just want to
end all this self hate. I want to end all this violoence.
I'm not selfcentered, and I'm not some attention whore just looking for comments
saying 'OMG, we love u dont do it!1!!1!' I'm actually a pretty selfless person most
of the time. Those who know me hopefully know that. I feel like I'm living a lie.
Like I'm trying to be so happy, but I just don't have the energy inside to fake it.
And yes, I can really get happy. Most often with Amzy, because he's there to talk to
everyday. He's stable and I need something stable. I cry when I think of Payton, all
the horrid things I've created in her life. She shouldn't love me, I'm to bad for
her. I feel bittersweet when I think of DaKarra, she's so far away, we're so far
apart. I hate change, it's to overbearing. It forces me to store every little thing
in my mind rather then be able to save it elsewhere.
Payton's my Persephone, I'm her Hades. I dragged her down into my personal
underworld and I love her to much to let her go. I love her so much, but I'm ruining
her and she just can't see it. I'll never be right for her. My life is to dramatic. I
have to much baggage. She needs a gentle soul. She needs to let go of me, because she
needs to escape from my underworld. I need her to. I'll end up breaking her in the
DaKarra is so far away from me. We're so distant, we never speak. When we do,
it's beyond awkward. I love her more then anything, but does she feel the same? I
feel jelouse seeing how much she speaks to her friends, and then selfish because I
know I can't be the only thing in her life. It hurts knowing we're drifting away and
I can't do a thing about it.
And Amzy, that's just a crazy subject. There are so many people who hate him, and
I used to be one of them. Strange how now he's come to be one of my few lifelines.
I'm not sure if he's ever seen this side of me. I don't think so. He brings out
another side of me, the true me. Once again, he's one of the few people who can do
that. Amzy is judgemental, opinionated, but he can be really sweet to people if he
actually likes you. We don't agree on lot. We're almost opposites. He hates african
american people, neo-pagans, disabled people, the insane, and so many more. I love
all races, it's just a color that makes them different. I am a neo-pagan, because I
won't sacrifice an animal. I love disabled people, because they usually have the
sweetest souls. And the insane intrigue me, they're so different and so thoughtful.
Is it strange that Amzy, the most hated one I've mentioned, is the one that I
smile when I think of? I hurt the other two people to much to smile at the pain I've
give and recieved. But I love them two the most, DaKarra the absolute most and Payton
the second. Amzy the third. Yes, I do love Amzy. Don't comment on that, 'kay?
Writing this longish rant/paper made me feel better, like I had a feeling it
would. So I won't go and swallow those pills. Sorry for the scare, or sorry to ruin
your excitement. Whichever works for you, lovers. Whichever works for you. Comment
what you like, call me what you want. But don't say this was for attention. It was
honestly more for a 'get this off my chest' thing. So, thank you, the ones who cared
enough to read through my rant. Although I barely said half of what I wanted to, I
feel accomplished. Those who know me as a sweet and bubbly person, now you see what
built up stress and fear can do to you. So get it all out, lovelies, just let it all
out. I'll listen and help, in anyway I can. Just get it all out so you won't become
me, m'kay? :3
Last edited: 15 July 2011