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This diary entry is written by ‹🎼kittidere🎶›. ( View all entries )
Previous entry: shet, srzly? in category (general)

But That Doesn't Mean You Can't Still Hear -Category: (general)
Friday, 31 December 2010
07:58:32 AM (GMT)
I suck with stories. They're too dreadfully long. But... I had to do this. I guess
I'm happy I did...
... //sigh ; m ; Listening to the instrumental version of "You" helps none!


Tick… tock… Tick… tock…
A monotonic sound drifted about in the slandering room that lacked virtue of any
colours, just like any else. Despite the pendulum’s swinging that sauntered the
annoyance of anyone, it was the only sound that would portray in the room and
thoroughly, as repetitive as it was, it could only merely be welcomed.
Though, the room did nothing but lay empty. Even if only the tick-tock of the nearby
clock was the sound, a soft breath stifling was still there. To the bed that lay
forth had shape to it, underneath the covers of itself laid the shape once more. The
body was covered over by these dark grey sheets, but even so, eyes peeked over and
stared at the window in who loosely held by. The greens of these eyes were anything
but calmed and soothed – they’d gather light, loose light, shift, close, open –
no, there was no way to leave languid of it. 
No matter the temperature of the room, the body would still remain shrouded by the
sheets, only looking out and staring out. Breath was held as long as it could be, but
let out only with a quick movement, keeping any other sound far from even his own

‘It’s been a couple of days..’ the mind of the boy wondered finally
after its own silence as a hand from underneath the sheets came up and wiped away
what could only be depicted as a tear from his eye. The sleeve that came to reveal
were the proof of the statement in his mind. The clothes he wore on his skin were
from a few days ago. ‘since that happened…’
There was a slight struggle but only did Xilatz moved the sheets over his head so
he’d meet forth to the darkness of underneath them, yet the light of drifting and
descending evening would still falter through. Recollection came back as a storm once
more but everything was muffled quickly by the sleeve of the jacket once more, in
which was already soaked with what had come from his eyes early. So an unfamiliar and
salty taste was brought forth to his lips, but this didn’t matter at all.
 ‘It’s just Dexion,’ he tried to tell himself, ‘this… it was
expected from such… such a weak guy! Don’t…” The suffocation of the
sheets could last no longer. Painful as it was, he sat up and pressed the sheets down
into his lap, staring at his hands and the wet fabric that was offering no help for
his arms. His green eyes came to be contented as he’d stare at what was fathomed to
never happen.
 But these eyes went to the ceiling just as soon, and gazed upon at it with lips
slightly open, as if to speak. But the voice couldn’t utter even if it so
desperately wanted to. “Why…” Tears had stained his cheeks, causing them
to be pink with streaks. An absolute mess… But this appearance was no longer an
The question lingered about in the mind, but would not paint a picture until minutes
later as memorization of long ago was beginning to recollect once more.

It brought the image of a short woman, smiling tenderly with her mint green eyes so
hopeful, yet she wore black and tears had come from her that very day. She still held
onto a very familiar hand.
“Mama,”A young boy’s voice questioned forth, confused, “Whats wrong
with Grandmother?”
“She’s… sleeping for a long time, darling.” “When will she wake
up?” “…She may never. ‘Dumnezeu’ is having her company now,
dulce.” “…But why? Why is he taking her?” “Because, darling,
‘Dumnezeu’ loves his people… but some people are very nice and he decides he
wants to get to know them, just like you and I have.”
The silence drifted in and the boy’s eyes returned to the coffin that was before
them. Yet, the woman who held his hand couldn’t help but smile and cry – he would
not do the same…

 The green eyes continued to stare forth at the ceiling, losing the will to even look
away. “Were you… nice?” A voiced asked aloud, so soft and meek, broken to
pieces by the sorrow and desperate despair that etched, having been tainted with the
fact there could be no more tears. “Dumnezue,” it pleaded, “allow me
your ear for just a moment, I’m begging you…” 
Finally his head bowed and his hands came together, fingers lacing to a pray.
“I’ve done no good for you, Dumnezue. You shouldn’t have taken him,
everyone loves him… Frixie loves him… so greatly too…” The voice dipped to a
pathetic state, “why did you take him of all people?”
 ‘But why am I blaming you...’
 His head lifted and his hands unlaced, sitting on his lap but without even the
slightest tint of emotion. Yet, the façade would jovially beg to differ – he’d
thought he could not cry any longer, but…
“This is… not… it’s… unethical… Wh-why him? Why not someone else…?”
Soft curses were being placed forward as the green eyes glared at the ceiling, though
full of tears, “Why not just rid of something that didn’t --- why hadn’t you
just taken me…?” The body was beginning to seep back, losing feeling, but words,
“Why… did you do this…” His arm then covered his face, trying to stifle back
everything, trying to be as he normally was – ‘I don’t care, it doesn’t
matter to me, it’s nothing new, it happens all the time  ---
“ Dumnezeu’ loves his people… but some people are very nice and he decides
he wants to get to know them, just like you and I have.”
Tears stopped. His arm slowly moved from his face as his head leaned against the wall
and he stared up once more. More came back;

“But, mama, if he takes grandmother, we will never be able to talk to her
anymore!” “Dulce, of course he will. ‘Dumnezeu’ would never do that to
his people, because he loves us all in the end… When my mama is buried, tonight you
and I shall go to the church; she should be with him then… We shall sit before our
savior, and we shall pray. We will ask of his ear to hear of us, and he shall. We
will ask for her ear and there we shall be able to talk to her. Even praying to her
stone above the ground she will hear of us – because, Dulce, our ‘Dumnezeu’ is
always listening…”

 A faint smile wisped across his façade. His hands once more laced together and his
legs came up, allowing him to sit criss-crossed like a child. “Then… Dexion…
can you hear me?” There was a pause, a time to let the ear be brought forth to him,
but the voice came back out, full of hope now but still brittle, “I want to
apologize…” A pause came in once more, but it was just hesitant, “I’m so
sorry… I treated everyone, and even you, terribly. I made it seem like… I loathed
you all… But Dexion, I’ve barely the strength to even tell you, who may not even
hear me… I never meant anything I said or how I’ve treated you… I don’t mean
anything to anyone like that…” He bit his bottom lip softly before his eyes came
up once more, “Especially you and Frixie… “ Pause. “I don’t believe it to
be anymore than that as it is, so you better not over-read my words too much…” It
was almost sardonic but the truths of his emotions were coming back again. 
Stifling it all hurt. But now speaking it, it would feel better, bit by bit.
 “… Dexion, thank you so much.” The smile came weak but still there, “Though,
we both never did as we promised, thank you still… especially being patient with
me… But, you still don’t seem to understand what it’s done… with you…
suddenly leaving us…” 
“…But, thank you still… so much… you’ve done so much…” Xilatz
outreached a hand towards the ceiling, just hoping for a split second… “Dumnezeu
chose correctly… very nice… Dexion, Dumnezeu will take care of you now. Please,
Dumnezeu, be good to him…” 
“He deserves the best you have…”

For days I’d mulled over it. Getting out of bed or even changing clothes would
never work for me. I’d lay there in bed, crying over and over, every time the
thought came to me and the rememberance of Dexion’s death. Sometimes I’d wake up
from my dreams believing that it was just that, but as soon as I got up, the sharp
stab of pain struck me in the stomach. I couldn’t puke, but it hurt so badly.
Getting out bed was impossible… Every day my chest got heavier and heavier, but all
I could ask was ‘why’ and blame my own creator for what he’s done.
For making me suffer.
But for once, that wasn’t the issue.
It was because everyone else was too. Every morning, sometime during that time, I
could only imagine Frixie’s expression. It couldn’t get over with so easily.
I never wanted to go out of this room. It felt like a safe spot. I made myself
falsely believe my thoughts would not follow me in here. That once I came in, all
these emotions would dissipate within quick time. Just like everything else. I made
myself believe that nothing mattered except me, myself, and I. As long as I was
alright, everything else would be, because nothing else mattered in the end. 
But within the first hour, everything that was stifled and chained had broken out. I
succumbed to the pain and eventually nightmares would quickly follow.
But what was I supposed to do? Somehow I still had the guts to believe that it
wasn’t worth it anymore. 
Headaches soon came after because of all the weeping I’d done. I felt like this was
some cruel trick to show me wrong of something; but what? If I fixed it, would Dexion
come back? I cursed at such a thought. I slandered myself a moron. I’d hit my head
several times on the walls.
Forgetting this never happened.
Time passed by even more, and slowly, by every minute that ticked like an hour, it
got worse. I was running out of tears to cry. I went from always languid to suddenly
pathetic – over one death.
But today, as I remembered the fond words of a faint mother, I’ve come to realize
exactly what came from this. Maybe his death was in vain, but to me it has become so
Long ago, beauty of the world was held within the palms of a single woman whose smile
was forever cherished. When she had fallen to the feet of Dumnezeu, the world had
lost every meaning of existence to me. It had no beauty nor did any of the people
within it.
I became a misanthrope. I thought everything deserved only one thing – hatred. I
thought the more I had, the stronger I’d be. I’d never let anything get in the
way of a good life. And yet, that ended up cutting it all short for me. I came here
– a place where people brimmed with either loathes or hopes. It wasn’t a choice,
so I thought it was all some cruel trick once more. A trick that never would let me
see that woman who’d held my hands so many times before, once again. I hated
everyone especially for this.
And they hated me back.
Those who did not were either those who did not know me at all, or Xaviera, who was
like a sister. Frixie and Dexion too – they suffered through it. I don’t know
why, but they still did.

In the end, when the death came to me… I was blinded still by the curtains of
hatred. Though it hurt, I thought his death could never matter to me at all.
But that changed.
Now I can even look at this grey room and find what I could never find. I can
remember the people outside that door and see what I’ve never seen.
The beauty.
For the times I’ve been hated, I hurt now. But that doesn’t matter… no, not
like that anymore.
Because, Dexion, you’ve taught me something I could never learn again, for I’ll
never forget it. It doesn’t matter who or what it is, a person or even a place, but
just that in the end there is still beauty found in it. Just like her smile, I
cherish what I’ve had with you. I cherish what I have here now too. These people…
And… about our promise… even if you are no longer here, it still should be… I
promise not to hide away my emotions anymore… because, Dexion.
You may not be here.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t still hear.
Last edited: 31 December 2010

‹☢CAUTION!!☢› says:   31 December 2010   284973  
This is such an epic story! ^.^
‹.::SHINee♥Locket::.› says:   31 December 2010   611160  
Okay, I understand why you cried when writing this
because I cried when reading it ;-;

Xilatz, you will see your Grandma again. You'll see her and when you
do, you'll see Dex-dulce too~
‹knight of ren› says:   31 December 2010   451528  

That is epic,

‹🎼kittidere🎶› says:   31 December 2010   439048  
Thank you very much, love. <333

DID YOU SERIOUSLY TOO? Well, that's a relief cause now I don't feel
like such a pathetic sap! But I only cry to myself at the end for some
reason... ; o ;

... so wut, they gonna become best buds or somethin up there with
Dumnezeu? HM? xD 
‹🎼kittidere🎶› says:   31 December 2010   847826  
Th-thank you. ; w ;
But was the "WOOOOOOH" necessary? x] 
‹knight of ren› says:   31 December 2010   920983  
I screamed at MY COMPUTER.

reading this.

So yes, it was necessary. 
‹🎼kittidere🎶› says:   31 December 2010   454046  
Ca-can.... can I ask why you screamed at your computer exactly? ._. 
‹knight of ren› says:   31 December 2010   468494  
Cause reading everyone's writing makes me go emotionally insane ;-; 
‹🎼kittidere🎶› says:   31 December 2010   686600  
*patpat* D:>
But Xilatz's should've made you happy.
I-I'm so sorry! ...But.... uhm.... emotionally insane? xD 
‹knight of ren› says:   31 December 2010   366053  
I can't describe it,
It makes me happy, makes me cry, makes me want to burn everything down
and then my head explode. 
‹🎼kittidere🎶› says:   31 December 2010   817885  
Ohhh, okay! I GET THAT NOW. That's alright... ; o ; 

Ahaha, everyone likes to write sappy stuff. xD 
‹knight of ren› says:   31 December 2010   908253  
I know, writing sad stuff its amazing!
Espically cause you do it so well ;-; 
‹🎼kittidere🎶› says:   31 December 2010   899157  
...H-huh? I'm good at sad stuff?! //corner 
; o ; never agaaiiiiiiin. 
‹I_WILL_EAT_YOU_NO_MATTER_WHAT› says:   31 December 2010   181475  
I think I just died. A million times. And I'm still dead. I'm just in
heaven. >_>
‹🎼kittidere🎶› says:   31 December 2010   719742  
*covers face*
Wh-why did you die? ; o ;
I'm assuming either you read it a lot, or a lot of it did so... 
‹I_WILL_EAT_YOU_NO_MATTER_WHAT› says:   31 December 2010   889238  
no crai. just get doctor. c:
‹🎼kittidere🎶› says:   31 December 2010   186656  
but it's just a character being ultimately patheticcc. ; m ; 
‹I_WILL_EAT_YOU_NO_MATTER_WHAT› says:   31 December 2010   615475  
oh no you didn't. Tell Dulce or Xilatz sorry.
‹I_WILL_EAT_YOU_NO_MATTER_WHAT› says:   31 December 2010   463367  
And a doctor may help. using an defibrillator.
‹🎼kittidere🎶› says:   1 January 2011   529888  
During the flashback thingies, 'dulce' was the name that was given to
the boy by his mother, the boy in which was Xilatz's Somebody, Alitz.

And no... I refuse to say that to someone who dun' deserve it. D:
‹I_WILL_EAT_YOU_NO_MATTER_WHAT› says :   1 January 2011   358201  
oic. Anyways, tell him sorry. c:
And it's one of those shock things. you know, CLEAR... CLEAR... CLEAR.


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