Wednesday, 18 August 2010
04:17:48 AM (GMT)
Lately I've been feeling more and more like a failure. Some of the people I've
known the longest on here and elsewhere are starting to push me away and ignore me.
That's how it feels, I know I'm probably not correct on it all, I'm just not doing
well right now. I don't know. I feel like nothing is going properly, I'm not
helping anyone anymore, and I have hardly gotten to spend any time with Amanda in
The first day of camping there was this really impatient guy in another car and I did
what I sometimes do and wagged my tongue at him. We were in the van, we had just
gotten groceries to go camping and he flipped out! He sped up and cut us off and got
out of the car and wanted to fight me! I mean Seriously!? I go out of my way to be
mean to ONE IMPATIENT DRIVER and God slaps me in the face for it! *sighs, feeling so
tired* No, I'm not mad at God or the driver, just pissed that it happened. I'm not a
perfect Christian, okay? I have plenty of problems and screwups and I can't always
make myself live the way I know I should. Its hard. I know God disciplines His
children and if anything it means he's paying attention to me but GAH!
I'm really depressed and pissed and pessimistic. Please no one send me hate mail
over this, I just can't take it right now.
.-. I can admit I've helped some people in the past but it feels like in the last few
months that I've done nothing... Everything I've tried to do has flown like a
lead balloon. And some of my oldest and closest penpals whom I've known for what, 3
or 4 years now are just pushing me aside. I don't know, maybe this is normal for
teenagers to do. To go weeks without talking to their friends and not to mean
anything bad by it.
I need a few of the things I'm doing to work, okay... I go out of my way to try and
do good and to be kind and I know I have my own selfish need to be loved... I need
to be a success now and then or I feel my heart will give up and stop beating. I
wish to be useful, yet I am unused.
I never said I was above anyone else... I really hope people don't interpret what I
say in my diaries to mean that... I love God and I try to love people and I want to
do good in this world and to help others... It doesn't mean I have all of the
answers, doesn't mean I don't have plenty of my own garbage to deal with, and it
certainly doesn't mean I don't need help myself... If anything I need more.
Does anyone read these? Do my friends avoid my diary entries because I'm trying to
be a better Christian?
Sometimes it feels I'd get more friends and support if I were an atheist, a druggie,
a pervert, an asshole or some combination.
End of rant.