Tuesday, 8 June 2010
06:05:01 AM (GMT)
Landlords in many cases, are little more than car salesmen that have decided they
need to pursue a slimier career. So they hook in unsuspecting people, make them sign
contracts the approximate size of the NYC phone book and then proceed to be as lazy
or cheap as possible. See the following exchange as a perfect example:
From: John ——–
Date: 1 July 2009 15:50:41 BST
To: ———– Letting Dept
Subject: Re: Lawnmower
Dear Mr ———–
I am writing in regards to your recent request for a lawnmower to be provided by your
Unfortunately the landlord will not be providing you with this and has asked me to
remind you of your responsibility to maintain the gardens.
If you would like and suggestions on local gardeners who could ask to tidy the
gardens, please call me at the office
Firstly, thank you for following up on this after my recent inspection and obtaining
a reply from the landlord. As you have kindly relayed his message to me, perhaps you
would also be able to relay the following queries back to him.
First of all, how would he like me to maintain the garden without a lawnmower? With
my teeth and a pair of scissors? I can see the environmental benefits to undertaking
such a task, but to be frank I feel that to meticulously sever each blade of grass
and chew it until it is of sufficient consistency to swallow – would be an
unproductive use of my time. In addition to this I don’t really enjoy spending time
on my hands and knees – you see I work on the internet, and once you’ve spent
enough time on the internet you find that the hands and knees position becomes
automatically associated with what can only be described as very disturbing
homoerotic imagery. And as I’m epileptic, I’m sure that going into a state of
shock whilst trimming the grass with a sharp pair of scissors would not be adviseable
– I’m sure you can see the logic behind this.
The other concern that I would like to register, is if our dear landlord is expecting
us to buy a lawnmower rather than proceeding with the aforementioned environmentally
friendly option. Now I come to think of it, it does seem a little ironic that people
use environmentally unfriendly means (lawnmowers) to maintain their residential slice
of environment, don’t you think? But if he does expect us to buy a lawnmower
ourselves, please ask him what planet he is currently residing on, that would lead
him to believe that this is a logical option (I suspect Jupiter, but if you were to
wager Mercury I would also say that you would have a fair bet on your hands).
You see if we were to buy a lawnmower, then at some point in the future leave this
rented property in favour of a new tenant – the chances are that we would no longer
have any use for said lawnmower, and we would have to tip it into the ocean. Now the
new tenants would be faced with much the same predicament (lack of lawnmower) – and
they too will have to buy a lawnmower, then be rid of it when they leave the house.
Surely by this logic you can understand that if we were to carry on like this for the
next 20 years then the ocean will have to be renamed to “satan’s lawnmower dump
of hell”. And while the sight of such a feat amuses me – it does seem a little
impractical to the likes of fish – and what did they do to do deserve it? How would
you feel if someone dumped 50million lawnmowers on your house, just because your
fish-lord refused to purchase a bubblemower for you?
I feel that I’ve made my points, and trust that a lawnmower will be delivered to
the house swifty so that I – and all other future tenants may make use of it, and
in doing so avoid what would essentially be the worst natural disaster ever to face
In closing, would you please point out to our friend, the lord-of-land, that by my
request for a lawnmower I was directly indicating my awareness of my responsibility
to maintain the gardens. As such, his request to you to “remind me” of my
responsibility to maintain the gardens is not only sheer lunacy, it’s downright
If you had arranged for me to wash your car, and I came up to you and asked you for
some water to wash your car with – would you then remind me that I had agreed to
was your car? It’s this sort of madness that got George Bush elected – and we all
know what came of that untimely, supposedly democratic, 8 years of sheer stupidity.
Quite frankly a band of monkeys armed with nothing more than their own feces and a
pair of stainless steel pliers could probably have done a better job. I’m sure that
you understand where I’m going with this.
Remember, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
I hope to hear from you soon
Via: John N