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This diary entry is written by ‹xsilentxtearsxfallx›. ( View all entries )
 
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(untitled)Category: (general)
Thursday, 11 December 2008
03:15:35 AM (GMT)
This was started based on how I felt, but then I added the end with the guy and it's
no longer true.

A place for me. A place I fit in. The only place I fit in. though, I'm always lonely in this place. A place that makes me feel so alone. This was the only place that had a place for me. That place is the darkness. It surrounds me, engulfs me. I wish I had another place to go. One with those I know. This was the only place I could go. Being here makes me cold. But this place is part of who I am. I'm nobody in everybody's eyes. And I have no way to change that. Do I have have a happy ending? What made me this way? How did this happen to me? Everything's faded. I've fallen and can't get back up. I wish I were pretending. I ran from the world. And now I can't come back. I wish it were simple I wish I didn't fall. I wish I could change. So I can fit in with all of you. If I did, there's so much I could do. I had to get away. And look where it had gotten me. Some place I can't escape. I've said goodbye and that had been taken for granted. Why did I ever leave? Why did I say goodbye? I just needed a break. So I could be alone. But I guess I took that for granted. I need to fix this. There has to be a way. There just got to be. I don't know why I feel this way. I just do. I wish I had a good reason. I wish I could find what I left behind. The things that were so dear to me. I want to go home. To the place I used to know. Even if I didn't belong. Even if no one ever took the time to look at me. To talk to me. I used to be strong. Strong enough to push these feelings away. Strong enough to not care. I guess I made a mistake. A mistake in surrendering to the darkness. If only to find a place so I could be alone. I just needed a short break. Just a little time to myself. I'm broken and there's nothing I can do. I don't know what to do. I bet no one even knows I'm not there. That I'm missing. I could guess that they don't care. This hurts, more than it used to. But unfortunately I have no way to fix that. No way at all. I hated my old life, now I hate this one. Is there anything for me to live for? Is it possible for me to come back, or is that just impossible? I miss my old life o matter how much it still feels the same. The difference was that there were people around. All I can do is sit and just wish things could change. And that's how my life changed for the second time, something I wasn't expecting. A boy. No, not a baby, but a guy. A guy my age, one who went to the same school as I. He believes his world changed for the better. That he was better off here. Here in a place where you didn't have to care. You didn't have to worry. Worry about what other people thought of you. He seems so easy to talk to. Why couldn't I have done it before? We are so alike, yet so different. He started from being popular to being nobody. I started off as no one and I'm still that way. He says he's fine, that he doesn't care. But I wonder how he really feels. He's so trustworthy. He's so willing to talk. I wish I could return the favor. I had no one here for me. He did, and that was me. I had no one to greet me, he did. He didn't think anyone would be in the same place as him. And that's when I decide to fill him in about my life. There's no more holding back. He was one of the ones I looked up to and I told him so. I told him how no one ever noticed me. How no one ever talked to me. That they never did anything concerning me. They never pointed, never stared, nor laughed at me. He doesn't interrupt me. He just sits there and listens. It makes me want to confess everything to him, no matter how embarrassing and foolish the things would be. And then we just sit there next to each other in the silence that is not at all uncomfortable. He looks at me and I look at him. He reaches over to me and wipes away the tears that I didn't know were there. We share a smile and gain a new understanding of each other. I look away and blush, hoping that he didn't notice. I feel a sudden rush of giddiness overcome me. Was I starting to like him? Was I growing a crush on him? I'd only just met him. I turn back to him and smile. He smiles and I place my hand between us. He notices and takes my hand into his. Intertwining our fingers together. I get another rush of giddiness through me. And I guess I can say that I feel something or another for him. I wonder if he feels the same. Hesitantly I lean onto his shoulder and he wraps his arms around me lightly as if afraid. This is the closet I've gotten to having a boyfriend. And it feels like a dream. I never thought this would be possible.


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