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This diary entry is written by ‹Wallflowers♥›. ( View all entries )
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Avoided.Category: Depression.
Saturday, 6 December 2008
05:50:14 PM (GMT)
This is it. This is the final straw. Not in your damn soda either. I mean in life. This isn't working out. I feel, dead. I may seem alright but inside, I'm dying. I'm losing people. It seems I'm like a boy who is avoided and rejected by his own loved ones. I feel so hurt right now. I want to die but, I can't die. My heart is hurting me in my chest. Life is shit. Life is pointless. No purpose. No life. No home here. Dead. I'm not afraid of Death's touch anymore. Please, let me fucking have it. I want to leave. So horribly bad. Nothing is going right in my life. Its as if I went the wrong way. I was born into the small world for no reason. A mistake. Thats right, a mistake. A BIG mistake. I should have died when I was born but then to think of it, if I would have died I would have never met all these crazy people. But that was back then, this is now. My life has always been shit. Its not fair. I could have had it worse but this is just sad. I'm still young and thinking about death. I wish I could relive my past to see what I did wrong. I did something to cause this. I just had to...

‹AlexAttached<3› says:   6 December 2008   287264  
Just talk to me, damn you.
I can't stand seeing you like this.
It's making me go years back, months back, days back, even
hours back. The memories just won't disappear. You'll have to
learn to deal with the fact you're alive, and this is the reality.

It sucks? Fine, you'll have to find a way to make it better.
Axel, you were the one who talked me out of my recent thoughts.
My fucking last attempt, even.
You were there for me.
And no, I didn't help you.
You did.
You helped me, and I'm grateful. So grateful.

So now, why?
Why are you doing what you were trying to so hard to stop me from
doing the same; Why can't you let me be here, for you; Why can't you
let me help you;
Why the fuck are you leaving me?
I understand, but I can't accept. That's my problem.
Because I know, more than anyone else, what you are feeling.
You can't give up.
You can't.

You said it once, and I'll say it now.

If you go down, I'll go with you.

I love you, idiot.
So don't you dare leave me. 
Don't you dare.
‹Wallflowers♥› says:   6 December 2008   155922  
I don't understand.
Why do people even care about me?
My life is plain stupid.
I hate it.
I hate this.
I know I helped but I can't help myself.
I'm worthless and pitiful.
I am lucky for someone who has sympathy for me, unlike others who
don't give a flying fuck about me.
I am in a bad state right now, I always have been.
I don't want to leave but then I do.
I would only stay for you but if you left, I'd follow.
You are like my mother. A real decent mother at least.
I just want the pain, the bruise, everything to go away.
I want to be locked up alone to scream and let everything out.
But, my eyes.
They are dry.
I haven't cried in so long.
All I want is a break from life itself.
‹Aurora du Coudray› says:   6 December 2008   358329  
Awww please dont die! im hear be happy!
‹AlexAttached<3› says:   6 December 2008   565661  
I care, because I'm as pathetic as that.
I know I promised myself I'd stop caring. I even understood how it
worked. But then, when it comes down to this, I can't do it.
I've grown attached to you, and I can't help but care about you.
You are not worthless, Axel.
You must be worth something, so that I trust you this much.
You might not be able to help yourself, but I can help you.
I know I can.
And if I have to go all way to Japan and back, I will. Early
vacations, but, of course. 

Don't even mention pity.
It's the worst feeling in the world, and it's not how I feel.
It's not sympathy. It's not pity.
I fucking need you. 
Those mixed thoughts and emotions are normal, but please, don't
drown yourself in more misery. Try to get up, please just promise me
you'll try. You have to promise me that. I can't imagine what will
follow. I can't.

So, it's exactly the same thing for me.
If you go, I'll be right behind. I've told you. If those reasons make
you brave enough to finally release yourself, then mine most certainly
do, too.
Don't say that about me. I'm everything but decent. And I know I'll be
a lousy mother. But I don't want to be a lousy friend. I want to be
there for you.

Let it out, baby.
You need to let it out and cry.
It's difficult, because sometimes you just can't afford to cry. But
you have to.
Sometimes, I admit I just want to let go and forget everything.
But I don't.
Because I think I couldn't do that to those I love.
‹Wallflowers♥› says:   6 December 2008   914888  

Thank you for making me have confidence in myself now.
I feel better.
Now that I'm crying.
I just might cry from now on.
I won't care if anyone sees a man cry.
I'm letting out what I'm feeling.
And hey, I'll try my hardest to be happier, even if it means for me to
push myself when I'm hurting.
I'll try my hardest.
I will.
I'll stay.
I'll see what happens.
I'll see... Thats all I can do is watch.

Thank you, Mama, I can really depend on you.
-Cries on you-
‹AlexAttached<3› says:   6 December 2008   697613  
Axel, I'd do whatever it took me to bring your confidence
I can't afford to lose you. You have to feel better, because otherwise
no one will try to do it for you. At least, not someone who's there
beside you.

And let it out.
Stop caring, dear. Just stop caring, and let out your emotions. Cry if
you must, scream if you need to. Just don't hold it all inside, unable
to be freed.
You have to pull through, baby. And it will get better. 
No matter what happens, we can always find some temporarily blissful
moments. And you have to hold on to them.
I know you'll try.
I know you can.
But don't just watch, don't 'just'. 
Stand up and take risks, take chances, bet on your happiness.
It's yours and no one else's.
Stay here.
Stay there.
Hang in there, Axel.

No thanks, I had to say that.
Thank you, for staying. And you have no idea how much of me
depends on you.
‹Wallflowers♥› says:   6 December 2008   732936  

I need you more than you need me.
I can't live without my BBF's that I have to help me.
I love you guys.

-Cries myself out till I can't anymore-
‹AlexAttached<3› says:   6 December 2008   649757  
Well then I need you to need me. Top that.
I'll be here until you shun me.
And even after you shun me, I think I'll still come around.

<3 I love you, silly thing.
And don't cry too much, now. D:
‹Wallflowers♥› says:   6 December 2008   978865  
I need use to need eachother. Top that.
When I shun you, I'll shun myself.
And when you com back to say,'I still love you, baby.', I will
say,'I've waited 2 years for that mama.'

I love you, chicken wing. c:
I won't. x'c
‹Wallflowers♥› says:   6 December 2008   991524  
‹AlexAttached<3› says:   6 December 2008   621942  
I don't think I can top that. D:
Oh, but you could just happen to need to shun yourself. Even if
that's a bit impossible.
Two years, baby? Care to explain?
And hey, I wouldn't say that. I'd say, 'I've never stopped loving
you.' Doh.

C: Chicken wing? WAI. I don't even like the wings. Or chicken.
x'c Good. Smiiiile.
‹Wallflowers♥› says:   6 December 2008   729971  

I know you can't top that. c:
Its possible. D:
Uhm.. we got in a horrible fight? ._.
And then I'd say, 'I loved you more than you could love anyone.'

C: Chicken! xD
‹♥OhhSweetJessyy(:› says:   6 December 2008   843355  
please dont leave I dont want to lose another friend
Axel....please...live is to fragile I cant afford to lose another one
I almost lost one this morning but I have lost to many in the past
please...dont go...I need you.
‹[UnbeknownBliss♥]› says:   6 December 2008   111113  
Axel, I hate to see that you are deeply depress.There are other
people who care about, hell, they probably love you to death.
Understand that most days are terrible but then again there are some
of those good days that put a smile on your face.
‹MalixDexide› says :   7 December 2008   472936  
Actually suiciding doesn't actually help anything.

Who knows? You might live this suckery moment but someday you might
accidentally find out the cure for deadly sicknesses. Or something
else that might make you popular. Or you might live a happier life
than what you're experiencing.

Next entry: I'm feeling 100% Better Now, Thanks To Alex. c: in category AWESOME.
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