Wednesday, 3 October 2007
10:20:32 PM (GMT)
Drunk...That's how it all began.
Nightmares and dreamscapes come and go in the never ending circadian rhythm of sleep
my dreams repeat themselves in the echoes of her screams
mom? what's wrong?..Why wont you answer me?
then a flashback: daddy's home. "Marissa? why the fuck isn't dinner ready?" he
stumbles coming through the door. Kicking off his boots he knocks a lamp over. It
shatters. He sees the boy not three feet away. He leans in breath reeking of alcohol.
He's piss drunk again and the boy knows what's coming next. The little boy finds
himself six feet above the wood flooring. At nine or ten he weighs only 60 pounds.
That's what happens when your father wont let you eat. "You little bastard!!! you
think I didn't see you knock over that lamp?!" says the booze-saturated man as he
shakes the young Lucifer like a rag doll. Lucifer recites the only phrase that will
make his father stop the torture. "I'm sin incarnate...The product of adultery and
unfaithfulness...I am a dark spot on the record of my family and my mother and I will
burn in hell". These words were taught to him by the same man who now held him aloft
as a way to affirm his "unholy" birth. Although Lucifer's mother was forever faithful
his father didn't believe it. His hair was too dark his skin too pale to be his son,
so he thought. So he shunned them both and made their daily lives hell on earth.
The breath was knocked from the child's lungs as he hit the wall ten feet away. His
father walked away muttering and cursing under his breath." 'Sgustin filth" he
slurred and disappeared into the dining room.
That was the night my mother died and I relived it once again in my sleep. Drenched
in a cold sweat I awake in the dark as usual. The same way I've woken up for six
years. Of course its hours till I have to be up for school but there wont be any
sleep after that dream.
I've already been up for an hour and a half but there's still 45 minutes to go before
the alarm clock even rings. Great. Well maybe I can finish the design on my arm. I
grab the razor off my nightstand and begin carving.
Its been six years and somehow the chant still lingers. Its still as fresh in my mind
as the day he taught it to me with a belt.
"Quit sulking Luc and carve", I tell myself.
The words are now deeper and the surrounding symbols are now more than just
scratches. Hopefully they scar.
5 O' clock rolls around and I hop in the shower taking time to wash the blood off my
arm so that...A certain someone...won't see and grab me where the cuts are.
Newly dry and dressed in my customary black and red I head for my mirror. I flick the
light switch and catch my gaze in the glass. I stop dead in my tracks. My blood
freezes in my veins. It cant be...No. Its not. Once again my eyes (his eyes) have
fooled me. For a split second I was looking my father in the eyes. That same piercing
blue that used to pin me to walls was now my own curse and burden.
As is my custom I put on eyeliner and eye shadow to trick myself into seeing a
different set of eyes. Its pointless really since my hair covers them anyway but it
offers further protection from his ghost.
I grab my guitar, amp, and backpack and head downstairs. Violet is already down there
"What's the occasion?" I ask. She never makes me breakfast. "Its your first day. I
thought I'd make you something to keep you alert." I glance down at the spread on the
table. Eggs, coffee, cereal, and a rockstar. Go figure. I taste the cereal. There's
enough sugar added to keep me up for days.
"Umm what's with the sugar and energy drinks?" I ask. "I kinda figured that maybe you
would be able to get away from Blake if he and the football team chased you again...I
just want to help." She replies with a sad look on her face. "Look its a new year.
Maybe they've changed. And if not I'll deal with them the way I have since middle
school. You should get going. Psychology over at the college will be starting soon
and I don't want you to be late because your tryin to give me a sugar high. Me and
him are in tenth grade; if he kills me his parents have to pay the settlement not him
and they're loaded so at least you'll have some decent money coming your way." I said
trying to be cheerful. Apparently she didn't appreciate my sentiment.
The walk to the bus stop was uneventful as usual. The same ignorant faces, the same
dirty looks, the same nervous wait for the bus. The freshman were there as well. Many
of them mistook me for one of them. Apparently they assumed since we were being
treated in the same matter that we were in the same grade. That didn't stop their
dirty looks either. Wonderful. Now I'm hated by people older and people younger than
The bus arrives fifteen minutes late of course with the usual fanfare of the loud
engine and creaky breaks. I board the bus and begin to move down to my customary spot
down at seat number eight. I'm a creature of habit as are we all so when I notice one
of Blake's friends seated there naturally I'm a little pissed.
"Dude, could you move? I usually sit here."
"Fuck off you emo fag. Why don't you just cut off your dick. You already wear make
up. You should make the transformation complete."
Spectacular. This year has just kicked off with a bang. So much for Blake and his
friends changing. Well at least Blake himself hasn't noticed yet..."Well if it isn't
our favorite devil worshiping emo fag...Lucifer. How's life queer? how are your
wrists? any marks?"
so much for that. Whatever. Time to shut off emotions...Now.
"To be honest Blake I could care less what you do or say anymore. I'm kinda use to
this sorta thing by now. Just know that one day you wont be surrounded by your
friends and one day I wont be so helpless." That should get him thinking...If he does
that of course. "Shut up and go cut yourself loser. Maybe this time you'll die. I
remember last year haha. That was funny. Its not often that you get to see an emo kid
that you hate bleeding out on the floor and you never touched him." At this Blake and
his goons burst out into raucous laughter. At this I turned red. I had tried to
forget about that. But people never let you forget.
So I found another seat. Thankfully the bus was relatively empty and I grabbed seat
7l. I slipped on my i-pod and started blasting it. Korn - thoughtless. Hmm how
ironic that it should start the shuffle on this song.
Not halfway though it I suddenly see Blake thrust his sneering face in front of mine.
"How bout turnin off that headache bullshit you call music and giving us all a rest?
huh could you do that for me?" I glanced down. The confrontation that I was dreading
By now the bus had picked up a few more stops. But only a few more kids adorned the
seats. A few new freshman were there and some upperclassmen but that was it. After my
brief inspection of the bus (which Ill admit was solely for the purpose of finding a
new seat) I met his glare once more and said plainly "No, I think I'll just move up
there", and I pointed to an empty seat. This didn't go over well with Blake. He
didn't like hearing the word no, no matter how it was worded. "So. You go away for
the summer and now you think you can tell me that your not gonna do what I tell you?
you know what? I think ill let you off the hook this time. I wont trash your face up
like I was thinkin of doin but I don't think you'll be needing this for a while." And
with that he grabbed my guitar and ran to the back and handed it off to one of his
buddies. They started cracking up when I stood up and ran after him.
My pulse was pounding and I felt my eyes stinging. Not good. I cant start crying this
early in the year. Stay calm.
"Damn it Blake! I'm not joking! Blake give! It! Back!"
Quite suddenly, I'm moved aside. One of the freshmen girls from two stops after mine
was now demanding that they give me back my guitar. Having only seen the back of her
head I'm not sure what she looks like but I can say that she seems pretty confident
to just march on three sophomore football player and demand something of them. With
the predictable remark at how hot she was they handed the guitar back to me with a
shove that nearly knocked me over.
I quickly went back to my new seat (this time I chose seat 5) to save myself any more
embarrassment. I guess she sat closer to the front than I had expected but she walked
past and I mumbled my thanks to her.
She turned and smiled at me and I swear that it was the most beautiful thing I had
ever seen. Her smile her teeth...Her face. All perfect. And to think that she was
being nice to me was unheard of.
We got to school and I watched her get off and disappear into the crowd. "Well at
least someone will be nice to me on the bus this year," I said to myself without much
I made my way to my own hideaway. People rarely visited here except for botany
classes. You see I was in the artificial habitat that the biology and botany
teachers, along with some students, me included, had set up last year. I was in the
spot I had designed specifically for my own use. One of the trees was a weeping
willow and it draped its limbs over the surface of the relatively deep pond that we
had dug. And surrounding that willow save for the side that faced the pond were
rushes and cattails. There was a narrow path leading through the rushes under the
willow and facing the pond that I followed to my own secret place.It was hard to
disguise it but luckily the habitat was huge (a mini-forest) and no one really knew
about the willow. So it was no surprise, then, when I found the rope ladder still
there. And up I went into the perfect sanctuary. The bliss was short lived however.
The ringing of the bells echoed all the way across the school grounds even to this
I hurried into the main building and went to my locker which oddly enough is number
666. I think even the principal hates me. I grabbed my books and schedule and headed
When I got to my first period science class my heart skipped a beat; I had seen the
girl from the bus in there. She must be smart considering that this a 10th grade
class. I pick my seat in the darkest corner of the class. I don't want unnecessary
looks if I can help it so if they cant see me they cant look now can they?
The class went by and when the bell rang I grabbed my gear and started to leave. Of
course it wouldn't be my life if someone didn't trip me on the way out. To my immense
embarrassment I landed on the girl.
"O-oh..S-sorry." I leapt off of her and helped her off the floor and
knelt down to pick her things up.
"Thank you Lucifer" she said kindly
thank you? I just knocked her to the floor and now she's thanking me? what kind of
amazing girl is this? "bu-", I started but Julie who has been part of Blake's crew
for as long as he's known her and is now obviously the new girl's friend cut him off
before he could finish the word.
"Get lost loser. Espera's one of the popular girls now" and with that she shoved me
into my own bag which was on the floor and I promptly fell again. "Lets go Espera."
and once more just like on the bus she did that amazing thing where she takes my
"One minute. Go on without me."
All of a sudden its role reversal. Instead of me helping her she doing the same for
While grabbing my stuff off of the floor I ask her "Why did you do that?"
"Do what ?" she replies
I decided to go bold and I ignored her question and said,
"Your a nice girl espera. And I love your name. Its beautiful"
and you know what? she actually blushed. At something I said!
"Thank you Lucifer" and she got her things and headed for the door.
Before she left though, she turned her head slightly and said to me, "and by the
way....I think your really cute." And with that she turned and walked out the door.
I could feel myself burning but I smiled to myself and headed for next period. I
barely got out of the door when,
"hey loser!" ah crap..Blake again.
"Yes?" I replied and the boy practically hissed at me,
"espera is a a bit too cute for you. I suggest you don't get any ideas 'cause I plan
on fucking her till her ears bleed. So don't go near her or we'll break every bone in
your scrawny emo body." Blake said and then I heard someone clear their throat.
"Well I think she makes those decisions. On who she wants to hang out with I mean." I
retorted and Blake cocked his head to the side a little, like a dog who has found
something new to play with. Blake advanced closer to him. "Oh so the fag boy speaks
up for once. Well isn't that a surprise." He cracks his knuckles and I actually
growled a little. But he's a lot bigger than me and so were the two friends standing
to either side of him.
They pushed me against a locker and Blake grabbed me by my tie. Pulling up cruelly on
it he forced me to my tip-toes and there was nothing I could do since his friends had
my arms pinned to the lockers.
"I have a way of teaching people like you not to speak." And with that he ripped my
tie off and tried stuffing it in my mouth.
I locked my jaws but he popped me in the nose and my jaw fell open. In went the black
and red tie and down went the blood from my nose.
They let me go but not before Blake slammed my head into the locker with the threat,
"if you tell the office about this, when I get back from suspension, ill kill you
nice and slow." And then they hauled ass out of there leaving me broken, bloody and
I pulled the tie out of my mouth and used it to wipe the blood away. My eyes were
watering really bad now and, when I let my head fall back into the locker door, the
tears dislodged and rolled down my face.
"Oh, Lucifer. Are you ok?" It was Espera.The girl of my dreams I already know and
I've been forbidden to talk to her.
"Don't come near me." And with those words her face seemed to melt into such an
expression of compassion and kindness that I almost gave in to it.
"But Lucifer-" but before I could let her words get me killed, I ran. I ran like the
whole world was on my ass and I decided that second period wasn't all that important.
In fact the rest of the day seemed pretty pointless. So I ran to my spot, climbed up
the rope ladder and cried on the make-shift couch I had put up in this little safe
house of mine till I fell asleep.