Friday, 25 May 2007
04:40:31 PM (GMT)
1. Two men are sitting at a bar. One says to the other, "Dude, I totally slept
with your mom!" The other guy tries to calm him down and get him to shut up but he
keeps saying, "I sooo slept with your mom!" Until the other guy says, "You're
completely wasted, Dad, I'm driving you home."
2. Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were
walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He
sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered
that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be
The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The
good news is that you being discharged because you responded so rationally to a
crisis by jumping into the pool to save the life of another person. Your action
displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung
himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe right after you saved him. I am so sorry,
but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go
3. A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day she calls home and a
strange woman answers.
Wife: Who is this?
Maid: This is the maid.
Wife: We don't have a maid.
Maid: Um, I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there?
Maid: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I assumed was his wife.
The wife is fuming.
Wife: "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?
Maid: Of course! What will I have to do?
Wife: I want you to take my gun from the desk and shoot him and the woman he's with.
The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps, then gunshots, then more
Maid: What do I do with the bodies?
Wife: Just drag them out and throw them in the swimming pool.
Maid: There's no pool here.
A long pause.......
Wife: Is this 832-4821?
4. John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't
help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious
of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to
wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his
mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure
you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to
dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it,
do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle
from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John"
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm
not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep
with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would
have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
5. One upon a time a funny blonde decided to try horse riding even though she
had never tried it before. She got on the horse and began riding at a slow pace.
Eventually the horse got faster and faster until the blonde wasn't able to hold on.
All of a sudden she felt herself slipping from the saddle.
In desperation the blonde decided to jump and try to save herself. So she jumped, but
her foot got caught in the saddle stirrup and she was helplessly pulled behind the
horse with her head banging on the ground.
The blonde was near unconscious when she was rescued by Fred the Wal-Mart greeter,
who unplugged the horse.