Thursday, 3 May 2007
05:54:30 AM (GMT)
Chicago: A man was wanted for throwing bricks through jewelry store windows and
making off with the loot. He was arrested last night after throwing a brick into a
Plexiglas window...the brick bounced back, hit him in the head and knocked him cold
until the police got there.
Portsmouth, RI: Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine
robberies in January when he: 1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him
loitering around a vending machine and 2. later tried to post his $400 bail in
Lake City, Florida: Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested for robbery of a Howard
Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw, which was not plugged
When Stan Caddell wanted to wash his Chevrolet, he backed the car into a foot of
water in the Mississippi River at Hannibal, Missouri. When he got out to clean the
car, it floated away. Police were able to retrieve the vehicle some distance
downstream. According to an officer on the scene, no action would be taken against
the driver because "you can't ticket a guy for being stupid..."
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from
the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel
off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left
the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their
bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached
to the bumper.
A bank robber in Bumpus, Tenn., handed a teller the following note: "Watch out. This
is a rubbery. I hav an oozy traned on your but. Dump the in a sack, this one. No die
packkets or other triks or I will tare you a new naval. No kwarter with red stuff on
them, too." Dr. Creon V.B. Smyk of the Ohio Valley Educational Council says such
notes are, lamentably, the rule. "Right across the board, we see poor pre-writing
skills, problems with omissions, tense, agreement, spelling and clarity," he moaned.
Smyk believes that the quality of robbery notes could be improved if criminals could
be taught to plan before writing. "We have to stress organization: Make an outline of
your robbery note before you write it," he said. "Some of the notes get totally
sidetracked on issues like the make, model and caliber of the gun, number of bullets,
etc., until one loses sight of the main idea -- the robbery."
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client
merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm
is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an
offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I
sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not,
as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his
artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the
carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was
driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.
A man was arrested for stealing a car. When he was taken to court for his arraignment
the judge asked, how do you plead? Instead of saying guilty or not guilty the man
said: "Before we go any further, judge, let me explain why I stole the car." The
judge ruled in record time.
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The
first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit
After drinking a little too much, Stewart Butcher went to sleep on a West Virginia
railroad track. A while later, something woke him-- a 15 car coal train. "I raised
up," said Stewart, "and it knocked me out..."
An Australian man accused of murdering his wife can't seem to get his story straight.
June Mathew, John Rushton's second wife, testified that Rushton told her his first
wife died of a heart attack, ran off with a Baptist minister after committing 55 acts
of adultery, and drowned after being washed overboard. Rushton also claimed he was a
nuclear physicist, a naval commander, and had been knighted for saving the Queen's
life. Mathew, who was married to Rushton for five years, believed him because he was
a "good talker..." but those pesky microtremors finally gave him away...
An off-duty police officer in Newark, NJ, had a pistol-shaped cigarette lighter,
which he had been using all night while drinking at a local tavern. After many hours
and drinks, he apparently mistook his 32 revolver for the lighter. When he went to
light his cigarette, he shot and killed John Fazzola, who was seated 5 stools away at
An unidentified man in Buenos Aires pushed his wife out of an eighth-floor window but
his plan to kill her failed when she became entangled in some power cables below.
Seeing she was still alive, the man jumped and tried to land on top of her. He
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger
King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk
turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food
order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for
breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for Western movies, etc.
One day, they received a call from a 47-year-old woman, who wanted to have her
husband killed. She got 4-1/2 years in jail.
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just
throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he
lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block
bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems
the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on
Baggy clothes may save your life: a 13-year-old boy in Belgrade, Yugoslavia fell 130
feet from his hi-rise apartment and survived with only minor injuries. Witnesses said
Daniel Gurgus' baggy sweater caught tree branches on the way down... remember, kids,
just say no to Spandex...
Burglars in Larch Barrens, Md., tried to cut through a safe using a Laser Tag gun.
Carlos Diaz of New York got 18 years to life for committing a series of robberies by
pretending a zucchini hidden under his jacket was a gun...
England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up at customs with
his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf, the customs official realizes
that the tourist does not know what a "handicap" is. The customs official asks the
tourist to demonstrate his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of
narcotics was found in the golf bag.
Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman decided that she
would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day Cleopatra). So she stole a camel
from the local zoo (where *else* can you find a camel when you need one?) and
transported it back to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was
"Otto." (Editor's Note 2: She might not have gotten much milk from Otto, but she
probably made a friend for life while trying to ...)
In Bent Forks, Ill., kidnapers of ice-cube magnate Worth Bohnke sent a photograph of
their captive to Bohnke's family. Bohnke was seen holding up a newspaper. It was not
that day's edition and, in fact, bore a prominent headline relating to Nixon's trip
to China. This was pointed out to the kidnapers in a subsequent phone call. They
responded by sending a new photograph showing an up-to-date newspaper. Bohnke,
however, did not appear in the picture. When this, too, was refused, the kidnapers
became peevish and insisted that a photograph be sent to them showing all the people
over at Bohnke's house holding different issues of _Success_ magazine. They provided
a mailing address and were immediately apprehended. They later admitted to FBI agents
they did not understand the principle involved in the photograph/newspaper concept.
"We thought it was just some kind of tradition," said one. Educators agree that such
mix-ups point to poor reasoning and comprehension skills, ignorance of current
events, and failure to complete work in the time allotted.
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and demanded all the money
in the register. When the cashier handed him the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on
Industrial thieves broke into the Bilgetek plant in Canasta, Wash., by crossing a
metal catwalk and then blew it up, having forgotten it was their only means of
Joseph Owens of Mount Pleasant, Michigan, didn't think police were listening to his
complaints that someone was harassing him, so he came up with a brilliant plan. Owens
convinced his friend to shoot him in the shoulder with a shotgun so police would take
him seriously. After a trip to the emergency room, Owens faces up to four years in
prison for filing a false police report...next time, a little higher and to the
New York: As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and
ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed
description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher.
They put him in the cruiser and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out
of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes
Officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
Newark: A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car
phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone, and told the guy that
answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They
arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
Rustlers in Spavin, N.D., made off with three Saint Bernard dogs, a stationary
bicycle and the visiting in-laws of a farmer, after having failed to correctly
identify the valuable cattle on the premises.
San Antonio, Texas: 45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested after a mechanic reported to
police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car
which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher
later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to
change the oil.
Seattle: When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene
to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police
spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose
into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to
press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a bag of cocaine on
the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it was substandard cut, and asked that
the person who sold it to him be arrested immediately.
Tennessee: A man successfully broke into a bank after hours and stole the bank's
video camera. While it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was
located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of himself stealing the
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather
than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a check--a *forged*
check. He got 10 years.
The best-laid plans of a Canadian couple in a suicide pact went awry because the
weapon they used nearly as old as they are. Harold Pinna, 89, and his 92-year-old
wife decided to end it all with a .22 caliber pistol that hadn't been fired in 60
years. Mr. Pinna shot his wife in the head, but the rusty bullet ricocheted off a
hair curler, and she suffered only a mild scalp laceration. He then put the gun to
his right ear and fired again. The shot was so weak that the bullet lodged in his
ear. The dazed couple then gave themselves up to the police... it was either that or
throw themselves out the first floor window...
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the
door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners
entered the courtroom.
The police showed up at the victim's house after receiving a call of a break in while
the man was away at work. The house was in a nice upper-middle class neighborhood.
The police walked around to the side of the house with the victim, where they were
shown the pried open sliding glass patio door. Clearly the entrance for the criminal.
When asked if anything in the house was missing the man said nothing except his stash
of marijuana. Police, not believing what they had just heard asked the man to repeat
himself. The man, realizing that he had just admitted to possessing an illegal drug
stammered and finally said, "oh forget the whole thing." He waved the police off and
went back into his house. The police walked away laughing.
The two suspects had been apprehended and now sat in a courtroom at the defendant's
table. A witness was on the stand being asked questions by the prosecutor. "And ma'am
you say you were robbed of your purse on the street?" Yes sir, the witness answered.
"And the two men who robbed you, are they here in the courtroom today?" Before the
witness could answer both defendants raised their hands. The judge and jury laughed
Times of London: A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he
tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury,
Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctor's paging devices, the thief spotted a
vertical sunbed. He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan.
However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its
treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage of 10 seconds. After lying on the
bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time, the man was covered in
blisters. Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to
Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious
because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the
police. Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied
a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life.
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal a refrigerator.
Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a refrigerator from one of the houses,
and loaded it onto the pickup. The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these
brain surgeons decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more* walls,
floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house, and returned to the
pickup truck, only to realize that they locked the keys in the truck--so they
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was
a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a
schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at
that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."
When James Nagel tried to abduct a Los Angeles woman, someone tipped off police.
Nagel led officers on a "low speed chase" for 30 minutes, then tried to get away on
foot. He shot at police several times, but missed. Nagel then climbed a utility pole
and threatened to kill himself. Police tried to talk him down, then shot him with ten
rounds of plastic bullets. Nagel finally surrendered after being sprayed for five
minutes with a high-powered water hose, but not before accidentally shooting himself
in the forehead...
William deLashmutt of York County was fined $100 after he was stopped at a police
checkpoint with a car license plate, registration, title and driver's license issued
by "the Kingdom of Heaven...".
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank's basement through a
street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in the process. He then realized
that (1) he could not get to the money from where he was, (2) he could not climb back
out the window through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly. So
he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...
(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience store similar to a
7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the
cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which
the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled-- leaving
the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen
(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun, announced a robbery,
and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his head--and realized that he'd forgotten to
cut eyeholes in the mask.
Costa Mesa, California: A man allegedly robbed taxi driver James Hooper with a large
caliber handgun, then tried to escape on foot. One foot, to be exact. Police say
Timothy Lambert's gun accidentally discharged, shooting his own foot. Officers
followed a trail of bloody prints a short distance before arresting Lambert.
Great Falls, Montana: When Raymond Lutz of was stopped for going 104 miles per hour
in a 45 mph zone, he had a darn good reason. Lutz told Sheriff John Strandell that
"he had just got done washing his truck and was trying to dry it off..."
Germany: A German toolmaker has been arrested for extortion after threatening auto
maker Daimler-Benz. The unnamed man had demanded a helicopter and millions of German
marks, or he would "kill drivers of Mercedes cars...".
Pennsylvania: Pennsylvania state police have refused to return the "water bong" they
seized from Timothy Martin during a traffic stop on Interstate 80. Martin told police
the bong was "an heirloom," and that he wanted it back.
Reno, Nevada: A 78-year-old man shot and wounded five people in a Reno, Nevada
casino, and was caught as he made his escape with his walker.
Oakland, California: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to
subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas
canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas
to come out and give himself up.
Illinois: An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced
him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded
to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
Topeka, Kansas: A man walked in to a Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the
cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and
worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
Medford, Oregon: A 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his college degree for
his murder of three people. "There are too many business grads out there," he said.
"If I had chosen another field, all this may not have happened..."
Los Angeles, California: Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect
who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in
the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man