Thursday, 6 October 2011
04:17:10 AM (GMT)
Why is it that I can't sleep a whole night through.
I have to wake up at least once.
Why is it that I can be mentally exhausted yet physically awake.
Why is it that I must re-read all of my diaries?
I guess I need to know what my brain was thinking at different points in time.
It seems to change quite a bit, and that bothers me.
Why is it that I can see things, things that people don't notice, yet I don't know
what they are?
Why is it that I want what Jesse has, but I can probably never have it?
Am I supposed to stop asking for everything?
Do I have to want to not have it?
Then it will come and I will hate having it?
I don't know.
Sometimes I do hear things.
Sometimes I think I do, but I can't tell.
Often, I think I am so close, that someone wants to tell me something, but it never
Why must I turn every situation into a terrible scenario in my mind?
Why can't I just trust her?
Why do I hate every guy that likes her, even though she says she doesn't like them?
Why must I be so jealous that it turns to violent thoughts in my head?
Why does it only take the absence of her to completely change who I am?
Why am I a bad son?
Why do I shut myself off in my room?
I don't even talk to dad hardly, I don't visit.
I don't talk to mom, we rarely spend time together.
I don't talk to my uncle, who basically raised me as a dad, who I am going to name my
first son after.
I often snap, take my anger out on them, give them short answers or none at all,
retreat to my room to drown in my thoughts.
Why do I hate who I am?
Why do I get so depressed, even when I know she is coming to see me?
Simply because I know she will have to leave...
Why is it that even when I am with her, I still am depressed, angry, violent, jealous
I don't like acting one way and feeling another, but I do it so often.
It just seems like second nature to me now.
Shove your emotions down.
They are stupid.
They will hurt people.
If people think you are okay, then you are okay.
Why must I question every single thing about my life?
I can't just be happy, knowing my life is more amazing now than it has ever been?
Why is there always something to
Something to worry about?
Something to freak out about?
Something I let consume everything about who I am?
Why must I drink?
It doesn't solve anything, but at least it gives me the courage to be honest, and not
hold anything in.
I hold everything in far too much.
Why do I have to know everything that is wrong with me, but not have the ability or
will to change it?
Why do I love Jesse?
I know the answer to that.
She is perfect.
I'm the one who is fucked up.
Now more than ever.
It has gotten worse.
It probably will continue to do so before it gets better.
I asked for it.
I can handle it.
Why will I re-read this as soon as it is done?
And probably a hundred more times after that?
Why do I even ask about all of these things?
Why does writing a diary ever matter?
Why have you even read this?
Why have some ignored it?
I need sleep.
I might get it.
Or I might just question everything until I miraculously drift away.