Saturday, 24 October 2009
11:18:40 PM (GMT)
i do wonder if anyone reads these
It was quiet. It was always too quiet.
I could hear my breath as it sighed past my lips and became a whispy cloud as it
hit the cold air. The sheets were immune to the heat of my body, which was steadily
cooling as the icy temperature of the air around me wrapped itself around my small
frame, clinging to my arms and sending shivers down my back. It was always too cold.
Across from my bed, the bright red numbers of my digital clock radio told me that
it was 6:45AM. It felt earlier. It felt darker. I turned over and pulled my duvet
over my head, drew my knees to my chest and closed my eyes.
"Wait for me here," he had said.
The trouble was that I didn't know for how long I should wait or when I should
begin to wait. I wasn't even certain if I had already begun waiting, although I
suppose I must have done if I was thinking about it at all. It seemed silly to be
waiting now, it was hardly common sense to think he might arrive in my room at this
hour of the morning. The back door was locked. The front door was locked. The windows
were locked. He was locked out and I was locked inside. Neither of us had the keys.
So I must have been waiting to begin waiting, for one should only wait for an event
that can possibly happen. Waiting to begin waiting is a dreary thing to go through,
but I doubt I could have stopped. Once you start to wait, everything else you do is
merely a distraction from what you originally began to wait for.
And of course, there was always the possiblity that he was not coming at all and
that I was waiting for nothing. There was every chance that he had lied, that every
word that had been spoken was a cotton reel of untruths that had slowly woven a
beautiful daydream into my mind. As the thought entered my head, as I considered that
possibility; my faith wavered. I lost hope. He wasn't coming. He hadn't meant a word
My hands curled against the sheets, making creases and ripples in the fabric. I
gasped for breath. I could hear the blood rushing in my ears. I ducked my head and
curled up, my arms over my head. If I could be smaller, I could disappear. I could
disappear in this darkness and not be found again. I should have liked to go
somewhere warm and bright, somewhere without feeling or words or sounds. Somewhere
without form, without purpose. It would have been nice to leave my body, to leave
myself and to become nothing. To become a part of the dark, the cold, the quiet. I
could have left everything behind and yet remain in that room, completely untouched
and completely invisible. Yes, I should have liked that. I could have waited as a
part of the room, of the air. I could have waited for anyone that might have entered,
anything that might have happened. Here. I could have waited here, as nothing,
But of course I didn't. My alarm went off and I woke up. And I was still here,
still myself, still waiting.