Friday, 4 July 2008
06:49:03 PM (GMT)
Are You Ready for Children?
Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared
for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower
bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind
the couch and leave it there all summer.
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute
roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house.Â Put
on a blindfold.Â Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could
wake a child at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop
at the grocery store.Â Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that
all arms stay inside.
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling
with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging.Â Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal
(such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an
airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand.Â
Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until
9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag,
and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these
too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for
five years. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it
there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help
himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for
your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home
and read it quietly for the last time.
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve
their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners.
Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow
their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will
have all the answers.