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This diary entry is written by keeper_of_angels. ( View all entries )
 
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Times I hateCategory: (general)
Monday, 13 July 2015
06:03:30 AM (GMT)
Depression is hitting again, and this time a bit more then usual. for the most part
i just suck it up and deal with it, and just wait for it to pass, but i cant this
time. This time it feels a stronger, but different. as if it is coming from a new
source that is unfamiliar to me. Most days, my depression can be described as a
static consuming me, filled with a cold void that pushes back the warmth, and loud
enough to drown out what Im not 100% focused on. but this? this feels like razor
sharp claws of ice, tearing away at the shield i have around my heart, frantically
trying to pierce the flesh, and extinguish the warmth for good. My friends at home
and work, only see my smiles. and i honestly dont think anyone knows of the battles i
put up with. although i have never gotten so bad i wanted to self harm or anything,
it has gotten bad enough where i would sit in my shower, letting the water run over
me until i emptied the hot water heater. sometimes i feel as if i might be putting
off an aura of pure sadness, and wonder that if somehow, someone might pick up on
that, would they stop to talk to me? or just ignore it. I try to push the cold away,
to live in the now, with the warmth that my friends give off, but there are just too
many times that im sitting here, and a rush of depression flows over me. its hard to
describe, i have never really had depressed moments where i think of each little
detail, its just been a wave of unhappy, unfulfilled feeling, that sets my whole
being as far away from ease, as you can be. there has even been a few times that i
have woken up out of a dead sleep with these feelings. the biggest problem is i dont
know who to talk to. all of my friends who i once used to support me, and in return
that i have supported, have vanished. i have always been one to not only live, but to
thrive in chat rooms, making friends behind a wall of text on a white backdrop. and
my messengers, that once had to have notifications disabled, due to all the "came
online" pop ups,  now lay dormant, every friend or buddy leaving without a trace. so
i have no one to talk to. witch is hard in a society where you are expected to be
happy and "rotfl".  that is not me. i am one to sit in the corner watching over  my
friends, then to be the one laughing and playing. so i come here, to a site where no
one really knows me, and write this, that might not have anyone read it, to vent, or
to cry out for help. although at this time i am unsure of witch to beleive is the
true cause of me sitting here.


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