Wednesday, 7 May 2014
05:59:30 AM (GMT)
A few months ago, I told my parents that I have thoughts about suicide and that I
They were so in shock, it nearly tore my heart apart when they told me that I'm the
very last person they'd ever think would do such a thing. "We thought you were always
independent and never needed any help whatsoever. We thought you were always happy
and carefree about everything. We thought of you as our golden child." To think of
these words coming out of their mouth again and again rips a little piece out of my
heart to this very day. The fact that throughout the greater majority of my life,
they now realize that me, my thoughts, my happiness and my smiles were just covering
how I really felt about myself.
Today, my sister showed me one of her friends, who is a year younger than me, and
asked me if she wanted to set up a date with her. I've seen her in person a few times
and I think she's really pretty. My sister showed me some pictures of me and I paused
for a good 6 seconds and said, "Never mind, I wouldn't date her." To my sister's
disgust, she thought it was because she wasn't pretty enough for me and that I only
go for looks. I got really mad at her and told her, "That is far far far from the
reason why." I wasn't ready to move on from my previous girlfriend.. but that was
only one reason why I wouldn't date her. My sister kept asking me why I wouldn't go
on a date with her. When I told her the truth, I could see in her eyes that her whole
view of my personality and myself in general changed in a blink of an eye. I told
her, "I wouldn't date her because she's too good for me, she's too pretty for me and
she wouldn't want to deal with my problems even if I were a hot celebrity." Not being
able to say more, I went to my room and cried. Now here I am writing this text,
When I tell people the way I really feel about myself, their reactions were just like
my parents. Disbelief. Dumbfounded. Shocked in every way possible. They too, like my
parents, thought I was always someone so optimistic about everything and life itself.
I'm almost in a constant depression. With every second of the day or every step of
the journey, I am reminded of a reason to hate myself or a reason to remember that
I'm not good enough.
I'm honestly sorry that I've disappointed all of you. I wish I could have been a
better son, a better boyfriend, a better friend, and person in all I say and do.