Wednesday, 12 October 2011
07:56:32 AM (GMT)
It's getting worse,
Now I uncontrollably shake.
I cant help it.
It feels like I'm stabbing pins and needles into every one of my joints.
I can feel my heart pounding
and I feel my veins pulsing.
and I feel like my chest is caving in,
to the point where I'm gasping for breath.
I hid it,
I snapped and smashed my face into the desk.
slightly blanked out for a moment.
the room got dizzy.
and i blamed it on my being tired, because I was late too school, from only getting 2
hours of sleep the night before.
I ran out of class,
and he followed me.
I layed on the couch in the library,
and he made me fall asleep.
and spoke while I took a 30 minute nap.
and I was trapped in a seemingly never ending dream.
he told me I was whimpering,
begging for help.
begging for somone to stop.
Flashbacks in my mind.
In my unshakable nightmare.
I was being thrown against a wall,
and forced on my back.
my wrists held behind me.
exactly what happend when I was nine years old.
I don't know whats wrong.
I know It's my ptsd.
But it's getting worse.
the anxiety attacks are to die after,
the fact that everytime I eat somthing, I get dizzy,
the nightmares, the sleepless nights.
the schooldays, where I have to hide it.
where I have to be perfect.
everyone want's me, perfect.
I'll be perfect,
I won't go to therapy,
I won't take the pills.
I know I will.
I will cry,
when I'm alone.
like every night.
I'll continue to hide it.
I'll hide the new cuts,
their no longer on my arms.
I'll continue to run my miles everymorning,
I'll keep them under 7 minutes, as always.
with no food or water for the full day,
I'll drink somthing, I'll eat somthing.
When I feel like it will sit.
It hurts to blink, my eyes are so sore.
when I shake I blame it on me being cold.
Don't bring a jaccet in the pouring rain,
I wonder how much more of this I can take.
why did it have to happen, now?
why is it that my memories are finally haunting me?
why are the nightmares....coming full force?