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Confession 4: No Gay PrideCategory: Confessions
Tuesday, 5 July 2011
05:35:02 AM (GMT)
Currently, I'm really comfortable with my sexuality. I don't have a problem with
being gay, I wish there wasn't so much social stigma but that's with anything where
you're not all american white, christian, straight and preppy. However, I wasn't
always comfortable with it. I was like 12 or 13 maybe 11 I'm not good with years they
tend to just muddle up and puberty started hitting like a bitch and I was confused
and my parents are always on the run so it's not like I could really sit down and
talk to them for long periods of time about my feelings and shit but uhm prior to
puberty I was having identity problems. I wanted to be a girl, I wanted to dress like
a girl, I didn't know who I was or what I was and all I knew is that I didn't want to
be gay. Literally, I DID NOT want to be gay and I dunno I don't feel comfortable
talking about it at all.  There will NEVER be a diary entry about my next sentence. I
was touched and stuff by one of my parent's really close family friends I guess you
could call him and he used to babysit me and my brother a lot. Him and his wife and
kids moved away and he ended up having to drive hours to babysit us and he wanted a
little more money for it and that led to some arguments and  that's why my parents
found someone else.  But I hated him and I hated gay people and I hated gay guys and
then I start having weird dreams about guys like celebrity guys and guys I knew it
was really upsetting. Puberty was literally hell for me, wet dreams and all that I
literally cried. I thought it had something to do with what had happened and I
thought maybe that had messed up my body or maybe I dunno I was just freaked out and
I didn't know whether I was acting like that because of what happened or what. I
remember at some point I thought I was being punished by god for what happened and I
don't know. Back then I still thought of being gay as something you could choose and
I ignored it and I cried about it and I told my brother about it and I told him about
what happened and he wanted to tell our mom but talking to him helped me relax more
because he was going through stuff too (I mean I noticed his voice changed and he was
growing hair too but I didn't know what was going on in his pants or anything and I
didn't really want to talk about it in case I was the only one going though it) and
so I realized that what was happening had nothing to do with what happened and after
fooling around online we found more information and that was good and bad because you
know... the internet. Oh, the lies you will find lol But we talked to our new
babysitter who was a lady named Rachel* or mom's best friend and she explained a lot
and helped and she'd always been amazing.

Muscled my way through puberty, I found and read a couple books that helped me with
some things. Uhm, honestly, if you feel the same way or you went through
something similar here are the names of some of the books I read. They're all by Alex
Sanchez, he's amazing!

Religion (Christianity) and Sexuality = The God Box OR Living in Sin? by Bishop Spung

Sexual Abuse and Sexuality = Bait
Finding yourself kind of books (its a series) = Rainbow Boys. Rainbow High, Rainbow

Here's his website! He has TONS of resources that can help and especially as far as
religion and your sexuality and it's not just stuff for Christians or people who
speak English because he has Spanish links and links for Muslims and Mormons and
people who are Jewish and it's nice. If you couldn't tell I don't want to talk about
me anymore today. lol I actually started crying because it really was a very hard
time for me and I guess I still feel really strongly about not just what happened
with our old babysitter but also puberty in general. Growing hair and shit I mean it
was so fucking crazy. I didn't even touch on the religious feelings I had, like I had
wondered if I was going to hell for what happened for a while and I wondered if
thinking about it got me into more trouble and I wondered if it made me gay without
fully realizing what gay even was. I dunno the end. I dunno

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