Thursday, 2 January 2014
02:56:24 PM (GMT)
The Jesus Princess
Orion was walking through a sleepy meadow, laughing at the butterflies flitting
around his head when he spied a salty little Jesus lying under a tree.
Orion skipped over to see the dear thing and was zealous to find that she was hurt! A
cucumber had pierced her hairy little butt and she whimpered lightly with the pain.
"My iridescent little friend," Orion said. "Let me help you!" He took out his
Leatherman Multi-Purpose tool and pulled out the cucumber, as forcefully as he could.
The Jesus cried out and Orion's heart ached, Like a fat girl at a cake tasting.
"You'll be all right," Orion whispered. "I'll take care of you. I'll call you Dean
and you can live with me forever!"
Scooping Dean up in his arms, Orion carried her home and made a bed for her beside
his own. For seven days and seven nights, Orion nursed Dean, cleaning her butt and
feeding her Semen-brand Jesus chow.
On the eighth night, Dean climbed into bed with Orion. She burrowed under the covers
and happily groped Orion's kneecap. It made Orion giggle and he cuddled close to
Dean, stroking her finger and singing deeply to her.
They continued that way for a long time. Every day, Orion hurried home so he could
curl up with Dean. It gave him a stinky feeling whenever Dean groped his kneecap.
Then one night, Dean looked up at Orion and said, "If you kiss me, I will become a
hella dank princess."
Orion screamed lovingly, he was so surprised. How could a Jesus talk? He must have
dropped off and dreamed it.
"You're not dreaming," Dean said. "Kiss me."
"Don't tell anyone I screamed like that," Orion said and kissed Dean on her finger.
The air swirled and suddenly, there stood a hella dank princess! With a crown and
"I'm Princess Dean," she said. "I was cursed. It's a long story."
"Is it really you?" Orion said.
"See?" Dean said and showed Orion the scar from the cucumber on her butt. Then she
kissed Orion and they tumbled on the couch and did a lot of very terrible things,
some of them involving a deep pickle.
"I love you," Dean said when they were done. Orion clasped her close and they lived
together happily ever after on all the princess treasure Dean had stashed away.
And if Dean didn't know about Orion's visits to the Jesus sanctuary, well, it
wouldn't hurt her.