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This diary entry is written by ‹✖[[AntisocialButterfly]]✖›. ( View all entries )
Previous entry: So there's this homophobic hick I'll be killing soon... in category Fuck

I guess life only really works in theory..Category: Fuck
Monday, 28 January 2013
11:31:21 PM (GMT)
Maybe I only want to give up because I can't because I'm somewhat sure that if I
could and there was nothing stopping me I'd still be scared wouldn't I? And I really
can't give up because there are people I have not yet met who I still have a
commitment to because I have to help them in unknown ways. This is what I keep
believing in. 

I have no fear of screaming, 
no fear of fighting, 
and no fear of dying, 
unless it's my fault. 

When I'm reaching out my hands to help, 
am I only spreading my arms wide 
to leave my heart vulnerable? 
When I send you that text, "I love you, I care"
am I only pinning a note on my heart
that says "Fuck me up"? 

I don't want to be like you.
You let horrible things happen right in front of you,
and sometimes you join in. 
I don't want to be pointless, 
lives have never been self-fulfilling. 

So where's my alternative? 

Where's my second chance? 

Oh, God. 

I try, and I try, and I try, 
and who the hell am I 
to think I matter? 
But I have to, don't I? 
No one else tries!
No one else cares. 
No one else cries 
a stranger's tears. 

I'm not afraid to cry,
and scream, and bleed. 
I'm not afraid to fight, 
I'm not afraid to speak out.
I'm not afraid to die, 
unless it's my fault. 

I swear to you I need more, 
and I get so lost in everything, 
so tired, 
so dazed,
and I need more than this. 

Who the hell respects me? 
No one I know for real. 
Only picture frame people, 
watch dogs,
the keepers of the peace. 
Where the hell is the peace these days? 

Can't even cut. 
Nothing punctuates the hazy grey days.
Who am I? And for how long? 

I just want a purpose. 
I want to be able to look up and see something certain
that I can walk towards, 
something real, 
not something illusory, 
not a mirage. 

Someone just tell me I'm right. 
Tell me I'm not a clone of evil, 
not ruined before I even had a chance. 
I'm hopeless if I believe in hopelessness. 

I want to be awake. 
I want to be calm inside, not afraid, not fake.

How do I do this? 
How do I get to that place? 

Everyone makes me want to cry all the time. 
No one helps me when I ask so I stopped asking.
I think about dying all the time, but it's a dusty fairy tale.
A lie, an illusion. 

Can't someone read my mind? 
See inside me? 
Help me out of myself?
Last edited: 28 January 2013

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