Saturday, 25 June 2011
10:13:17 PM (GMT)
The other day, I got a phone call. "Your not going" she said. I threw my phone and
burst out into angry, stay away from me tears.
picked it back up, ignored my shoes, ignored my ipod, the only connection to people i
knew, was my cellphone, it was the only thing i took with me when i ran out the
door. slammed it. left. I ran- for block after block, ignoring my direction, unsure
of where i was going.
then i began to walk. my feet were bleeding, but i ignored it.
i walked-and walked. i found a school, with an unfamiliar name, and it had a baseball
feild. my favorite of all sports.
i sat in the middle of the baseball feild, in the empty-school's-out school.
i sared at the sky, and cried.
it hurt me.
My one and only chance to finally get rid of all my stress, all the pain i burried
deep within me all year, was completely takin awa from me by one fucking phonecall.
tears streamed down my cheeks, i was cold. didnt have a jaccet. the tears burned the
rims of my eyes, and felt like acide dragging along my skin.
why am i crying?
i got mad at myself for letting my tears break through my fake shell.
i'm used to being alone.
i've ALWAYS been alone.
faking througgh my pain so noone had to care.
so noone had to worry.
I would deal with my problems, nomatter how hard they would be,
on my own.
have i gotten to dependant on other people, to start caring and helping myself?
why am i still crying?
i got up.
and started to walk back towards home.
i had no idea where home was. i just started to walk backwards. calm myself.
then i got the phone call.
my twin sister had told my biggest secret,
the one i shouldnt have told any body.
i told her it out of anger.
out of pain.
out of apology towards our fight.
and it killed me.
turned around and attacked me.
I dont care any more though, its in the past.
i love my twin sister.
another reason why the fucking tears started to drip surprisingly.
just came out of nowhere.
"i love you! your my bestfriend, i dont want to see you hurting yourself anymore!"
were her words.
i love her.
I wish i could have gotten to see her.
then i got my second phone call- the icing on my shit cake.
my fucking sister.
"WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU!"
"i dont fucking know."
"GET YOUR FUCKING ASS HOME!"
"thats what i'm fucking doing"
-i hang up.
i kept walking, eventually found my way home.
she yelled at me.
called me selfish.
called me ignorant.
a waste of space.
i told her to "FUCK-OFF!"
"SURE, IM A FUCKING IGNORANT, SELFISH BRAT. THATS WHAT THE FUCK I AM, NOW LEAVE ME
THE FUCK ALONE!"
her jaw dropped.
now i was crying again.
and i got a wave of rage.
i was shaking.
i wanted to paint, or atleast draw.
i dont, havent, and still dont, have any paper, or canvases.
i began to look at my skin like a blank canvas, and the paints were all inside me.
i was thinking about cutting again.
then i thought about the person i loved.
he stopped me from doing it, without even knowing.
im still shaking, still crying, my eyes are burning, i want to run, i want to scream.
i have absoulutly nowhere to go.
im now crying for myself.
i truly dont have anyone-the only person i do have is to far away to walk too.
i have no money, no art suplies- nothing for myself.
because im such a selfish fucking brat, i give my art suplies to other people that
need it more.
i either buy more art suplies, or give it to my fucking broke sister to buy smokes
and a beer.
I think i broke my fake smile.
i can't find it.
everytime i think, i start to cry.
like i am now.
i can't just keep on grinning anymore.