Friday, 3 June 2011
04:23:16 AM (GMT)
My LIFE at the moment!
I know it seems like lately Austin is all i am able to talk about. It is true. I am
just so in love with him i am blind to everyone else.
Austin may be my Boy Friend, But he is also my best friend. My only true real friend
that i can depend on anything, and i know he will be here for me WHENEVER i need him.
All my other friends are just distractions i guess. When i cant see or talk to austin
i use them as a distraction so that i do not get to lonely or sad. Yes i know this is
bad, and i need to pray about this. But why get close to people who wont be there in
the end ya know? Sarah is my girl Best friend, and my only girl best friend at the
moment. But it just doesnt feel the same. Not that it has recently, its just weird. I
have known her since 3rd grade and been her friend since 4th. And i am currently
going into 11th grade. But it just doesnt feel complete. Shes here to listen, to give
advice, and to share her life with me. But thats all she can ever do, is listen give
advice and share her feelings. A long distance friendship is hard. She cant be here
to hug me, or cheer me up at school or laugh along with me and other friends. I dont
"know" her like i used to. Its one thing to grow up with someone being there friend
for years and having all these memories to remember with eachother. But its another
thing to move away in 6th grade and face the world as two seperate people, and try to
share it on the fone. These are the only memories i can remember when i get older is
sharing my thoughts and feelings and pain with her and being there for her, but never
being able to help in the way that she needed. It will be weird to see her in the
summer (maybe) because i still see her as the little girl i last saw her as in 6th
grade. Of course i know she isnt still like that but its all i can go back to on
Its hard to get closer to god when your dad isnt supportive. Its really hurting me. I
am praying, i wont stop. I just wish it were easier.
I want to see austin more, i cant help but feel pain. I know God loves me, i know
austin and his family love me. But my family has never loved me the way that austins
family does (besides my mom, who has been seperated from my dad since i was 12).
I just hurt sometimes, like right now. I just want to be with his family. I want to
grow in god as much as possible, i want to be loved and cared for. It just hurts me
so bad to have a family who truely Loves me for who i am and i cant be with them.
My Mom has been visiting since last thursday. :/ She is leaving sunday. She is
depressed that we havent spent much time together, austins been over most of the
time. Because this is the only time i will really be able to see him all summer
because my dad still doesnt know we are dating. :/
I miss her so much and im so blinded by love that i have taken this week for granted.
I miss my mommy :'(
I just dont know what to do.
I want to spend as much time with austin as i can, but i want to spend time with my
mom too. Her heart is hurting so bad right now, i want to help her and mend it for
her. i want to take away her pain, but i cant! :"( And austin is hurtin really bad
financially and is on the verge of losing his house, i just want to help them! i want
to make it all better. I really hope God's will is for Austin to stay in his house i
really hope it is. Because i dont want to lose him, i would barely be able to see
him, he's my strength (human-wise) God can help me though. He can help me through
anything, so if it does happen i know god will be here for me, he always is.
I just .... need to go to bed.
Love you guys.