Thursday, 27 January 2011
01:52:56 AM (GMT)
Really I do not care who reads this. For all that I care I could post this on damn
Facebook. Everything everybody knows me for half the time is a fucking lie. I am not
the up-beat, ass kicking, happy girl half the people know me for. I’m shy, angry,
sad, and unforgiving almost all the time. I’m probably depressed and I
don’t want to confront it being half of the time I feel like i’m on a stage all
by myself thinking there are one million people watching, when there really is none.
In my head I have a fantasy life going on 24/7 where I’m happy, I have
somebody who likes me for who I am, and I don’t generally hate people as much.
The reason I hate people so much is because all through 6th grade I was told
That if you weren’t perfect, you weren’t cool. Everyday I was made fun of
for the people I would hang out with, what I would wear, how much I weighed, and
whether I was pretty enough. I was basically ridiculed through out the first six
months of living in Fremont. During those six months I was told who I can’t like
[Jesse(he was hella hot)], how ugly I was, how everybody hated me, how i was a
nobody, and how i should just die. I hated going to school which made me hate
homework, teachers, and people. I would pretend to be sick for as many days as
possible just to get out of seeing these horrid people that should’ve stopped
hogging my air. Which also led me into bad grades. During this time I really only
could rely on my still very good friends Madison, Desiree, Shruthi, Pairy, and
Ashana. I love them.
In 7th grade I was so scared to tell anybody who I liked in fear that people
would tell me “No, he’s mine.” So I was terrified to tell a soul. I knew
practically nobody being I went to a school where the kids from the old school
weren’t going to. I only really knew Sri, Pooja, and Phani. Soon enough I had new
friends, Ayla and Cheyanne, who were both in my PE class which led them to be the
first people I told about my crush. First person who I liked was Donovan, I’ll get
to him later in this somewhere. After the first month of school I started having the
random sicknesses return. I’d try and avoid school as much as possible
again. In about November I started liking another boy that was In my second period.
My friends and I called him Cupcake as a cover up half of the time but I think you
should know, his real name is Chad (If you and I go to school together, yes the only
Chad that goes to TJHS). In second semester due to Ms. Wilson He and I sat next to
each other so I’d never miss a day of school ever. I would hate it. It felt
slightly creepy because it was though. Throughout the rest of that school year
nothing too serious happened except for how happy I was on the last day of school.
8th grade, the year everything should reset before dreaded highschool, but oh no no
no that’s too easy. September my friends and I made new friends which made an epic
little group of kids that looked like the world had just blew up. I loved that little
group so much, we were like family kinda. In October I turned 13 which was success, I
also got my first boyfriend (slightly regret that now). Now this is where Donovan
returns. First crush, first boyfriend, first kiss, you get where I’m going? So
everything was happy until I started to worry he was going to leave meaning that all
of my new group of friends would leave as well. This left me to savor every moment
with them like it was my last. This made me quiet because I would want to make sure
I’d make note of everything that would happen. Soon enough He and I broke up, which
just made me think what was going to happen, who was gonna hate me, who was gonna
stop hanging out with me. That week end I cut and died my hair which made me feel
better in a way, new me. The week after was the winter ball, he had a date I
didn’t. So I went on through winter break like a lazy potato only to discover he
cheated on me as well (not surprising, he was a man whore). I return to school, I
learn he has a new girlfriend. I think it’s only because she broadcasts her boobs
to the whole school. Also my small little group multiplied into about every person in
the school who wears tight jeans and bright colors. Now I think about how my feeling
for Chad are returning. Now I sit here thinking about how much I regret dating him.
Now I sit here tumbling about my life story. I sit in my room surrounded by boxes of
my stuff. Now I have to move around the corner from Donovan. Now I have to deal with
the depressing fact my stuff is in boxes. I feel like crying. I doubt anybody
will even read this so what ever. This is why i’m a lonely blogger who likes cats.
This is why I keep so many things to myself. This is why I hate people. This is why
I’m the way I am.
If you read this I want to meet you, I want to be your like bestest friend, somebody
who knows all of my problems and won’t judge me.
I’m gonna marry a cat and thats final.