Thursday, 26 November 2009
01:16:20 PM (GMT)
Sometimes I feel as though I can't do anything. That scares me.
Sometimes I feel as though no matter what I do, I'll never be any good at it; that
scares me even more. I change my mind so often that I don't actually know what I want
to do. I want to work in journalism, in photography, in musical theatre - but I don't
think I have anywhere near the skills.
Sometimes I look back on things I did when I was younger; old forum posts and diaries
and bits and pieces of writings and it scares me to know that I can change so much in
maybe two years - so what will I be like when I look back on myself when I'm sixteen,
or twenty? I don't think I can look back on myself at twelve now. That was only six
I'm not quite sure of the significance of me even writing all of this to you. I get
told I'm good at things often enough, but these people are my friends and they're
meant to build me up. I hate being told I'm good at things, actually; I'd rather
people tell me what's wrong with what I'm doing then what they like. I hate how
people assume when I leave school I want to do something in art just because I get
high grades in it. If I tell them I'd like to work in musical theatre they give me
odd looks and and walk away from me. I can't blame them; hardly anyone has heard me
sing and I've only been at this school for not even a term so they have no idea about
if I have any talent at dancing or acting.
And I hate whining on for paragraphs upon paragraphs about my problems; how often I
see that makes me want to smack people upside the head. Still, I guess my other posts
have been cheerful enough; why shouldn't I be a little sorrowful for once?
On Tuesday I succeeded in doing a headstand, with the help of Megan and possibly
Natalie (at least, there was somebody else). I ended up being dropped, rolling
forward and ending up in an extremely uncomfortable position laid on the mats. I
can't move my thumb as far back as normal and my arm still hurts if I try and raise
Still, it's an ordinary day. I'm off to go and immerse myself in roleplays and
unfinished novels. Tata~