With her begging, my cold heart softened, but I still put up an annoyed face and
walked in the park. I was just sitting on the benches looking like I wanted to leave.
She went to the big oak tree and she was looking for something. I knew she was
looking for what we wrote on that tree with a silver ink pen half a year ago. If I
remember it right, it said, "Chris and Susan was here, Chris had tea and Susan was
drinking hot chocolate. Hope Chris and Susan would always remember this day, always
loving each other, forever." She was looking around for quite a while, then she came
back slowly with tears on her face.
She said, "Chris, I can't find it, it's not there anymore."
I felt so sour inside, there was a stream of pain, flowing into my heart, the kind of
pain I've never felt before. But all I could do was pretend I didn't care, and said,
"Can we go now?"
I opened up my big black umbrella, she was just standing there, didn't want to leave
yet, hoping there was still a chance. She said, "You made up the story of you and
that other girl didn't you? I know I frustrate you sometimes, but I'll change, can't
we start over?"
I didn't say a word, just looked down and shook my head. After that we just kept on
walking towards the train station, didn't say a word to each other.
Four years ago, the doctor said I had cancer, but it was found early, so it was still
curable. Thinking that it was okay, I started living my normal life again, and even
forgot about the cancer. I didn't think about the cancer again and did not go back to
the doctor. Until a month ago, my stomach was hurting for two weeks straight, and the
nightmare awakened me again. First I thought the pain wouldl go away, but it grew
stronger until to the point that I couldn't take it anymore. I went back to the
doctor and took an X-ray. The picture came out and there was a big black spot, which
proved the truth that I did not want to believe. I was at the most glittering part of
my life, but it was coming to an end. I wanted myself and the people around me to go
through the least pain possible, so I decided to commit suicide. But I couldn't let
people find out about my intentions, especially Susan, the person I love the most in
this whole world, who still doesn't know about the truth. Susan was still young, she
shouldn't have to go through this. So I made up some stories and lied to her. It was
a cruel thing to do, and it broke her heart, but it was the fastest way to wipe out
three years's feelings. I didn't have much time, because I would soon start to loose
hair and she would find out eventually. But now I'm close to succeeding, this drama
would soon be over. Thirty minutes more this would all come to an end, that was what
I had in mind.
The train had stopped running so I called a taxi for her. We were just standing
there, waiting, loosing our last moments in silence.
I saw the taxi from far away, I held my tears and said to her, "Take care of
yourself, take good care of yourself."
She didn't talk, just nodded lightly, and then opened up her misshaped umbrella and
stepped out on the street. Out in the rain, we became two single life forms, one red,
one black, so far away from each other. I opened the door for her and she got in,
then I close the gate that would separate me from her forever. I stood by the car,
staring in the dark window, at the first love in my life, also the last one, walking
out of my life. The car started, driving into the street. Finally I couldn't hold my
sorrow and the twist in my heart any longer, waving my arms rapidly chasing after the
taxi, because I knew, this would be the last time I see her. I wanted to tell her I
still love her, I wanted to tell her to stay, I wanted to tell her so much, but the
taxi had already turned in the corner. Warm tears kept falling down my face, blended
with the cold rain drops. I was cold, not because of the rain. I was cold inside.
She left, and I didn't get anymore of her phone calls even until today. I know she
didn't see my tears, because they were washed away by the rain. I left without
regrets. But I'm not Chris, I'm that girl Susan, using my memory, and his diary I
found after one year since he left, writing down
soo sad... x x ily kewliies