Wednesday, 4 July 2007
12:52:51 AM (GMT)
It's been 3 weeks since I last talked to my dad, well talked to him properly that
is. He's been working hard to keep me and himself happy, but the saying money can't
buy you happiness comes to mind.
Dad's been working late from 5 in the afternoon to 1 in the morning, talk about late
hours, I know I'm suppose to be his daughter but I have no idea what he works as, I
never took an interest, I was too busy becoming a rebellious teen and falling in love
with Jonathan to care.
Well times change and so do people, but it seems like my dad changed for the worst,
and I'm stuck in a bad place.
"Frank, what's that thing called when hit you head and you cant go to sleep because
you might fall into a coma?" Jessica asked as she painted her nails black.
"A concussion I think," Frank said as he scribbled down a note and handed it to me.
We were all in study hall, the only lesson Gerard, Jessica, Frank & I had together.
Gerard was sleeping, while Jessica was painting her nails black and Frank & I were
writing notes to each other.
I opened up Franks note to see the words 'Cemetery after school, Yes or No?', I
looked up and smiled at Frank then scribbled 'Yes!' on the note and handed it back to
Over the past few weeks Frank and I have become good Friends, weve spent every day
since we met talking in school, hanging in the Cemetery and Smoking outside the Mall.
Gerard & Jessica on the other hand, got a little closer then just Friends. Frank & I
caught them making out in the Janitors closet, we took a picture which I now have in
"Gerard, wake up?" I whispered poking him his back.
"Huh?" Gerard croaked looking back at me.
I pointed to Jessica who had written 'Closet in half an hour' on her hand.
Gerard just smiled and rested his head back on his desk, While Frank and I made fun
of the two by making kissing faces at one other.
Everything seemed fine for the first time in my life, but it was all about to change.
"Where's Gerard?" Frank asked as we walked out of our last class.
"He and Jessica headed to the closet remember?" I said as walked towards my locker.
"Oh yeah So, What you wanna do?" Frank asked leaning on the locker next to mine.
"We can take pictures of them making out again?" I said stuffing my books into my
"Nah, it's starting to gross me out!" Frank cringed,
"Yeah, so where should we go and what should we do?" I asked as we began to walk out
of the school.
"Let's go to my house for once before we hang at the Cemetery," Frank answered as we
turned down the street corner.
"I've never been to your house before, how comes we don't go to your house and we
always crash at mine?" I said nudging him off the sidewalk.
"Cause your house is pretty and shiny, plus your fridge is always full!" Frank said
as he got back on the sidewalk.
We walked down various streets and different looking houses before we reached Franks
"Were here," Frank said opening his door and leading me in.
"So What do you think of my...ummmmCrib?"
"It reminds of how my house use to be...I like it!!!"
"So, what do you wanna do?" Frank asked as looked around his house.
"Ummmm...Check out your room, Where is it?" I asked, looking at one of Franks baby
pictures on the wall.
"Upstairs and to the left at the end of the hall, but its re..."
Before Frank could finish his sentence, I rushed up the stairs, turned left, ran down
the hall and pushed open Franks bedroom door, revealing his very messy room.
I jumped on his bed and waited until he came to his room door,
"Well, this room is clean, isnt it?" I mocked
"I tried to warn you but you didnt listen!" Frank said joining me on his bed.
"Yeah whatever, what's with the Beastie Boys poster on your ceiling?" I asked looking
up at the somewhat covered ceiling.
"What? I like the Beastie Boys, whats wrong with having a poster of them on my
"I was just expecting some naked girls or something," I said laying back and relaxing
on his bed.
Frank just shook his head at me then lay back next to me. An awkward silence sweet
over the two us as we lay staring up at the rather Cute Beastie Boys.
I decided to break the awkward silence with an awkward question,
"So Frank, what do you use masturbate to?"
"Huh?" Frank was speechless, but wouldn't you be if a girl in a catholic school
uniform who's a virgin asked you about masturbation.
"Do you use Porn movies or magazines?" I asked waiting patiently for Frank reaction.
"I...err...erm...I'm not gonna answer that!" Frank said turning away from me.
"You don't have to, I've already checked under your bed and found your playboy
magazines!" I joked, making Frank immediately turn towards me.
"You didn't, did you?"
"No, I didn't but now I know you do!" I teased making him realize I knew nothing
about his dirty magazines until now.
"That's why I like you!" Frank said randomly.
"Why do you like?" I asked unsure of Franks reason.
"I like you because your, sweet, funny, cute, intelligent and you're a virgin to top
it all off!" Frank said rolling on his side.
"And I like you because, your dumb, not funny, vaguely gross, stupid and a virgin
sissy boy who hides dirty magazines under his bed!" I teased, sticking out my tongue.
Frank laughed as did I, then another awkward silence sweep the room, I was unaware of
what frank was about to do, if I did I would stopped him before hand.
Frank leaned towards but I was still oblivious to what he was going to do.
"Frank, do you th..."
My sentence was destroyed by Franks lips crashing against mine, seconds later my
hands pushed Frank away from me parting the unsuspected kiss.
"Frank, what are you doing?" I screeched at him, trying to sum up my feelings of what
"I was...I thought that...I'm sorry!" Frank was obviously not expecting my reaction
to be what it was.
"No, I'm sorry, Frank I need to go!" I said getting up and rushing towards his door.
"Melissa, wait?" Frank called.
I looked back at him and sighed,
"I'm sorry Frank, see you round," I said, as I ran down the stairs, rushing out of
his house and down the misty cold street.
"Jonathan, what do I do?"
I was kneeling at Jonathan's grave again, to tell you the truth I've have been
neglecting him and spending most of my time with Frank even though I was at the
Frank still didn't know the full story of how Jonathan died, I wasn't ready to tell
him, I didn't want to lose him as a friend but after today I had a feeling I was
"Jonathan, why do I feel like I betraying you, I like Frank but I don't want to fall
in love again and lose him like I lost you, I don't want him to love me!" I spoke as
if I was hurting in extreme pain, maybe I was.
Maybe the scars that bled my heart dry were still Fresh maybe they couldn't be
healed, maybe I wasn't ready or wasn't suppose to move on. Maybe i'm just destined to
Love was my enemy as was all emotion that tied with it, Lust, sexual desire, these
things lead to love and to me love lead to death. I feel too much has been lost in my
life and I do not need another scar to match my heart, for the next scar I fear shall
The Cemetery became misty again as it did once in my dream, the dream of Frank, of
Frank's kiss. The dream kiss was not that same as I thought it would be, instead of
Franks kiss bringing peace and security like in the dream, in reality it brought
worry and pain.
I was use to shedding tears on Jonathan's grave, not like I could prevent them, they
ran like water works, but not when I wanted them to.
It wasn't long before I heard a snapping of a twig, which meant that some was here
and that some wanted to talk.
"what do you want Frank?" I said staring down at the un-cleaned grave stone.
"I'm sorry, I should have asked you first before i kissed you," Frank said placing
his hand on my shoulder.
"It wouldn't have made a difference, I wouldn't have let you do it in the first place
if I knew," I spoke truthfully not thinking what Frank's response would be.
"You're not telling me something, Frank spoke softly to me, but it didn't change what
"Melissa, are you hiding something?" Frank asked kneeling beside me.
"No...Yes...I cant explain it!" I said, getting up from Jonathan's grave and heading
to the steps of someones mausoleum.
"then try explaining it," Frank shouted following me to the steps of the mausoleum.
I took a deep breath and looked at Frank,
"Frank, I really like you but I'm not ready for anything further then just friends!"
Frank face changed from understanding to disappointed, I felt his heart bruise
"Frank, is not that I wouldn't like something more, I'm just not ready...Jonathan was
the only guy I ever had relationship and loved, when he died...I felt like I couldnt
go on," My voice trembled as I told Frank this.
"Look we dont have rush it, I'll be ready when you are," Frank said pulling me
towards him for a hug.
"Not matter what I'll be here for you, I'm not gonna leave you," Frank whispered in
The truth was something I couldnt tell Frank at this very moment; he was hoping that
I would eventually be ready for a new relationship. The truth was I didnt want be in
I looked at Frank as he held me close on the steps of the mausoleum, his eyes were
full of hope and i was lost in doubt.
We sat in silence, nothing but the cold wind blowing through the misty Cemetery is
all that could be heard.
Love is not a gift I long to receive, it is something I'm afraid of, something that
lead to Jonathan's downfall and my heart break. If there is not enough love there is
too much doubt and blame. If there is too much love then the result is death. This is
how dangerous love is to me and to the ones I love.