Sunday, 13 November 2011
02:04:30 AM (GMT)
I can not forgive myself for this and every day I feel like absolute garbage because
of it. I thought that I had grown up but it turns out that I was more mature and
sophisticated with stronger bearings when I was 13. Even then I was roaming around
with a self proclaimed Satanist who was at least three years older than me. At least
back then I knew that I had people on my side. Amidst all of the bitching and hateful
stares from the people that I may have hurt or misjudged, I still had you. No wait, I
didn't have you. I pretended to have you. You see even though you would tell me that
you loved me and would stay there by my side you were always at the forefront of
everything cheering them on when they would tease and torment. Of course none of that
would affect me now as I have more sense to say that none of you know anything about
me and you are just trying to form your own opinion from bias hearsay as you are
eavesdropping while you should be completing your English essays. Yet I still fell
for you. There was just something about you. The only one that really had an effect
on me was you. I could easily withstand the laughter and words from the rest but as
soon as you joined in I would break in two. I can not recall if this was due to
predisposed feelings that I knew I had for you or ones that I was previously unaware
of. Either way it stung me like a bitch and I was at your mercy. At that point I
didn't know whether the feeling was mutual and assumed that you hated me for the way
that you treated me despite your confessions of love. I brushed them off as you being
confused or a liar. You never seemed to care when I would cry my eyes dry like some
drama queen begging for just one morsel of left over attention. You didn't stop until
I had run to the toilets crying.
And now its 3 years on.
We have been together for 5 months.
You bought me an engagement ring.