Monday, 4 July 2011
02:21:00 AM (GMT)
OKAY, SO I WROTE THIS AND THEN I LOOKED AT IT AND I THOUGHT...I SHOULD MAKE
A WARNING IN CASE SOMEONE ACTUALLY FINDS THIS SOMEHOW SO... UHM...WARNING: THIS IS
GRAPHIC AND NOT FOR PEOPLE YOUNG IN AGE OR THOSE WHO ARE EASILY OFFENDED. ALSO NOT
FOR THOSE WHO FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT TRADITIONAL VALUES OR WHATEVER.
I feel better after writing this. Lighter. I like the fact that it feels like I'm
just setting myself free and pushing things into the open but then I don't feel like
EVERYONE and their mom knows and can find out everything about me. I don't care what
people say and I don't care if people read this I just need it. [/i]
Ivan is my older brother, he's older by about 3 minutes but he's my identical twin
brother. I call him Vanya or Yana, he calls me Nik or Niki We're best friends and
always have been and he's always been the stereotypical "good" big brother. Ya know?
Beating up bullies, sticking up for me, helping me out and he really had to be
because our oldest brother was going through a lot with our parents and with school
and our parents for the last 10 years have been on the edge of divorce and he's the
stronger of the two of us. He's more focused, sterner, more serious and maybe that's
because he had to be the one to keep other people together and because he has always
had to be the one that couldn't be affected ya know? Like, I wonder how things would
be if he was like me and sat in the living room crying when our parents started
arguing because he was too scared to move or if he panicked when he saw something
that freaked him out a little instead of being one that says "Come on, Nik let's go
next door/to your room/watch some TV" or say "You stay here, I'll go check" He's the
rock and I'm mud, that describes us well but we fit together so perfectly. I'd do any
and everything for him, if he told me "Quick, slit your throat!" I'd do it and my
last thought MIGHT be "Wait, why?" but more than likely it would be "Okay. What now,
Yana?" I trust him with my life. I trust him more with my life than I trust myself
So, confessions that involve big brother...
-I slept in his room, in his bed until I was 9 because I was scared of my room, when
I'm scared I still do.
-There was a time when people would ask us questions and I'd look at him instead of
trying to answer, I still sometimes do that too.
-Once, for a test, when we were like 13, we swapped clothes (as if that mattered) and
I took his 3rd period math test and he went to my 3rd period french class.
- We tell jokes about not being our dad's real sons because he's such an asshole,
Ivan's jokes are always meaner but I like his more.
- We share underwear and cups and sometimes even our toothbrushes.
- Once, I bit him in his sleep really hard to see if I would feel it too and I cried
when I didn't.
The Major Secret:
*I don't think I'm going to hell, but if I do, it's probably for this*
-I used to show him pictures of guys I like, we were about 15 maybe 15 and a half,
and monitor his facial expressions, if he just glanced at it I knew he didn't like
them and if he didn't like them I'd start to find all kinds of little flaws with them
and dislike them. He never thought anyone I showed him was attractive which I found
weird since we like all the same celebrities. I also noticed that he never showed me
any pictures of anyone and it made me think that either he was asexual or he was
straight and didn't think I'd think the girls he liked were pretty since I'm gay.
Well, we were 15 and even though we talk to each other about everything sex, as far
as what gender we liked, had never popped up. I didn't ask because he'd never asked
me and I just figured he wasn't comfortable talking to me about it yet BUT being a
goofy ass 15 year old (and a goofier ass 17 year old) I decided I'd try and take
our...I guess conversations to that next level, you know, fully free up the airways.
SO, I was on this site and I'd met this guy and he wanted a picture of me (NOT a
nude, but something a little...frisky. No shirt, bottoms but maybe not pants whatever
it was no big deal) and I decided it would be a good time to try to I guess introduce
the topic of sex and stuff SO I asked my brother to take the picture and he asked 103
questions about it (not literally but he kept asking questions) and eventually I
posed and he took the picture and I got on his computer and sent it and was happy and
we talked about sex and stuff and I found out he's bisexual. I was so happy!! Like
even remembering how happy I was that we could talk about EVERYTHING now I get happy.
Well, apparently we COULDN'T talk about everything because one weekend (Friday night)
I needed to ask him if I could borrow his jeans to go to my friend's house and I
walked in his room and he was staring at the picture I'd left on his computer
fapping. I half screamed and ran and turned so fucking red I must have looked like a
cherry and then I walked to my friend's house and stayed there all weekend to avoid
awkwardness but I didn't say a word to anyone not even to mention how weird it was
because I knew that would be really embarrassing. But when I finally caught my breath
after running I laughed my ass off and stopped laughing because I realized I was
happy in that totally sexual way. AND so I was freaked out to say the least. I went
home Sunday night. Ivan cornered me and we talked about it. Then we kissed about it.
And then we fucked about it. And then we skipped school the next day and bought
Chinese food with the money our parents left. That happening once would be bad but
it's actually become frequent in the 2 years since and I don't necessarily plan on
stopping. That is why I would go to hell.