Dear god I hate my life happenings lately. Login to Kupika  or  Create a new account 

This diary entry is written by kairiandsorafan. ( View all entries )
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Dear god I hate my life happenings lately.Category: (general)
Monday, 10 January 2011
11:04:12 PM (GMT)
Anyone who even looks at me anymore, first I'd like to apologize for basically
completely disappearing. I'm not saying I'm back for good. In fact, in regards to my
anime page, I have deleted it due to the fact that I simply cannot do it any more.
Hell, I'll be lucky to even have the chance to remember to get on here. So if any of
you ever leave me something, please be aware it might take a while for me to ever see
it. Now that I have that bit of disclaimer out of the way, I can start to update on
what has made me so frustratingly busy and a roller coaster of emotions.

First and for most, I'm now fifteen (whoot) and engaged. The engaged bit will be
taken care of soon, don't get your knickers in a bunch with impatient questioning. I
swear that will probably be the bulk of it. During my absence, I have changed my hair
color about ten times and am now back to a sort of original state. My hair is back to
bright reddish orange, but now it has some blonde chunks through it. Believe it or
not, this was in no way intentional. If you really care to see it, I'll upload a pic
of it in a few moments and you can bash it, love it, or not even care about it then.
I'm now braving the world of high school and the craziness of actually having to give
two shits about my education and life. I do have to admit that I have changed quite a
lot in my time and my kupika profile is nearly worth about as much as a piece of gum
flattened on the road. Let's just say that I'm too lazy to really go back and
completely renovate it. If this wasn't a way of venting, I doubt I'd be doing even
this. So bear with me. Maybe if enough of you harass me about it, I might make it

Right now I'm fighting some serious depression and shit and my blades have made
contact with my flesh only two times through it all. That I am proud of. I am
learning to take care of it and not hide. Well, I'm learning to hide in a more
productive way. The other day I know I had a breakdown session in the bathroom of
about twenty minutes in length. This was some serious shit. I mean mascara to the
chin and bloodshot eyes. Let's just say I'm doing much better thanks to a brilliant
idea I've recently got into my head. Which brings me to my next point. I now carry
around my Beatles Yellow Submarine journal wherever I go along with a pencil so I can
write down all the bullshit that I'm going through. Eventually I will buy several
more notebooks like it and continue on writing in them through my life. Whether they
be like a diary or journal entry or a letter to someone or even some doodling that
really just sums up exactly what I'm trying to decipher as "emotions" at the time. I
plan on keeping these journals until I die and have them copied and handed out at my
funeral. I date everything in it so people will have the ability to look at my life
as I did it on a virtually daily basis. I find it incredibly important to leave some
sort of explanation for all my insanity and misbehavior after I'm gone. I know I
would hate to be left with so many questions when that person is no longer there to
answer them. I hope that maybe, by that time, people will understand me and my
fucked-up self for who I am and just take it to appreciate my strength through it
all. I do believe they will be my legacy. Maybe not one that many people will see,
but those who really need to see it will.

Now to kill the suspense before I myself am shot for leaving you guys in it, on to
the engagement. Well, about a year ago I joined this fabulous Twilight RP site (yes I
still do that) and met this wonderful girl named Alex. Right now, that's the only
part of her I'm really sure is the truth. See, I've spoken to her for a long time,
and we were great friends until we had a sudden falling out about four months ago. I
know what you're thinking. Megan, what the fuck does this have to do with the bloody
engagement? Well maybe if you were patient and kept quiet I could get to it. I had
left the site about a week or two after our falling out. She was a staff member of
the site and would have been a bit painful to go there as often as I did and see her
there. Especially since I was so confused as to why the situation happened in the
first place. It was just another tale in my abandonment story book, maybe I'll go
further into that later. I was left alone and confused. I had lost true touch with
anyone who really mattered. Sure I had my friends in actual life but there was
something very different about this girl. We were so almost exactly alike that it
felt like I was losing apart of myself when she left me. During my absence of that
site, I managed to find some other way to entertain myself, now that I look back it I
honestly could not tell you what that might have been. I could only stay away for so
long, though. I don't know what it was that brought me back, but I simply could not
stay away. I've sat many a time trying to figure out exactly what was pushing me back
to the site after I was perfectly fine without it. I guess it was fate. So I go back
to the site and not two weeks after I get back, it's Alex's birthday. Everyone is
celebrating it in the OOC and I'm just sitting back feeling completely resentful and
afraid to even say a thing. It was a very painful thing, I shall remind you. And
suddenly, I needed to find out what the hell went wrong or I was going to just
explode and die. 

So I sent her a message on the site saying that I wanted to patch things up. Not five
minutes later, we were on msn chatting about how much we missed each other. It was
almost as if neither of us knew what really happened. And maybe that was true. I
don't believe I ever let go of that deep hurt she left with me. Things seem to be
almost back to normal when we start talking a lot more than we ever did. We called
each other our "msn soulmates." I know it sounds very juvenile, but it was us. One
day, I have these episodes sometimes, I lapsed into my ADDschizo sort of actions and
start talking about how I was going to move to Ireland and be famous and get married
to some Northern Irish guy and she starts to get angry. I don't really realize why at
first, but I continued to egg it on. I even went to say I was just going to go and be
a hobo living alone with no one and no internet or any communication. This seems to
be what really broke her. Once I first said the hobo thing, I received, in her own
handwriting, "don't leave me ;____;" Of course that only fed the insanity fire and
made me push her into this anger which eventually ended with me blocking her,
unfollowing her on tumblr, and defriending her on the site. Now of course I realized
how stupid this action was once she was offline and I was sitting there staring at
her msn username simply trying to will her back online to apologize. The next day, I
was awake at eight in the morning waiting. Now I knew that she wouldn't be on till
around four in the afternoon, I just did not want to miss her. Something deep inside
was hurting. As soon as she gets online, I say to her that I'll just be a hobo with
no one but I'll probably get lonely. I then go on to make a Castaway reference (which
if you have no idea what the fuck that is, it's a movie with Tom Hanks and it's
awesome) and say that I need to invest in a volleyball, name it Wilson, and paint a
face on it with berries. BAM. That seemed to fix every mistake within the last twenty
four hours and she was there saying "MARRY ME RN." Of course, thinking jokingly at
the time, I agree. This was the first talk of our engagement. After this, we start to
discuss how we'll live and have children and we start to actually make plans for the
future. Somewhere during that spans of time, I realized that I honestly wanted
everything we were talking about. Also during that time, Alex said that we were
"soulmates" not msn soulmates but legit SOULMATES. We also include the msn when we
mean msn soulmates. This was the first time I realized that she might have loved me
long before I was capable of ever noticing it. We made our engagement truly official
at midnight on New Year's. Everything was great and we were very much happy. Then the
next week came along and school approached and that's when it changed. School just
fucks up everything, this I have determined. This was when we had to talk less and I
started to slip into a self-loathing, guilty depression state. Now, the rest if
fairly complicated with lies and scandals but that can wait for another time.

Right now, I'm silently accepting life as it throws me through it's current and waves
and writing out my issues as I simply wait for the story to unfold. Always writing,  

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