Sunday, 18 October 2009
12:34:27 AM (GMT)
I was originally going to post this on a website where all my "friends" would've
seen it. and I had the enrty posted. but then a moment later I edited the journal and
"but when I got by myself and my own thoughts, I felt as though I'd lost something.
Unfortunately, I know I have.
To me the world is give and take. One flap of One butterfly's wings can cause a
hurricane on the other side of the world (chaos effect.) To me everything is change
reactions and parallels. It's order. The three and a half years, I have quietly
trying to live with disarray in hope that I may feel released from the sad thoughts
that hunt me down. And I have become nicer, faker, gentler, passive, and submissive
just to fit with the disarray; these are habits that are hard to break.
But in the last to days, the disarray proved that it did no care one fuck about me,
my feelings, or courtesy. It's been proving it, and now, I can't stop.
I don't want to here promises or apologies from the disarray, because it makes
me feel bad, and the promises and apologies are worth nothing when the
disarray just repeats its acts or exclusion. ostrigization, and usage.
I don't like being by myself, but nobody seems to want to be around me, so I may as
well just give up. Let me make this clearer.
I still want to be around people, but i'm not going to be as I have been. Not as
useful used as I have been.
When you wonder why I won't go with you to change clothes, remember when I wanted you
to go with me to get M&Ms.
When you ask me to get your flip folder as I get mine and I don't, remember when I
asked you to get my case.
When you wonder why I won't wait for you when you ask me to, remember when you left
When I tell you not to do something, remember how many times you told me not to,
When I ignor you, remember everytime you ignored me.
When you want to borrow a book, FUCK YOU, and remember when I desperately
wanted to borrow a book you weren't ever touching. Oh, by the way, since you've had
plenty of time to restart Interview With A Vampire and read most of it,
Mrs.Almost-a-year-and-a-half, How do you like claudia? Was it interesting when Louis
left lestat? Did you like armand and his gang when they met Louis and Claudia in
paris? Did you notice how lestat came back to life, for the second time and had
Santiago kill claudia and the whore she made a vampire, but then disapeared after
being outraged at how santiago imprisoned Louis as well? I thought it was shocking
when louis burnt down the theatre and killed all the vampires inside as vengence.
Kinda sad about lestat being incapable at the end. Funny as well though
Okay, that was probably unnecessary, mean, and spiteful, but, again, You've been
reading it, right? You should already know.
By the way, do not make any comments on my drawing ever having flat heads again. A.
Your art style is not the only art style. B. Your art style is not the only correct
style. C. You have no right to say that out of no where. D. I fix thier head 95% of
the time, unless I want thier heads flat.
A few more things:
You both act like Jessica. Get a Life. Grow Up. Learn to take a fucking compliment.
Stop fishing for compliments. From now on I am going to say "You're right, you
are (a) very bad (at) ____________" instead of "You're a good blah blah bl;ah." I
wish zeek would stop, as well.
A lot of this stuff will be half-hearted when I see you again, but right now i'm
pissed and sad and on the verge of
Why? Because I am not worthy of conversation, apparently. For the via text works best
to avoid the person next to you and to talk to the one you really want to talk to.
Because I would've cried, had I missed that moment of uniform happy and exhiliration
that happened at the awards. Something that I would have missed if I hadn't
been told by a member, that i'd not spoken a paragraph to since meeting, that we were
meeting. And I understand that you didn't know at the moment I called, but you had a
charged able to text and call phone right? You could have called or texted
me, but you didn't. So you either: A. Didn't Care. B: Didn't think about it (shows my
inadequacy to you there) or C: didn't know where we were supposed to
meet sorry, C is not an option, you made that clear when you said "I didn't
know" as you wlaked up to me after I had been standing on the track damned near two
It's mean and hurtful, I know, but I really was really mad and sad and vexated with
them. and this has been on going. They're my friend, but..but I don't know anymore.
I'm wondering if I should've just posted it so that they would know how I felt, for
Last edited: 18 October 2009