Sunday, 27 September 2009
03:10:01 PM (GMT)
I fell to the floor groping my sides holding all my little pieces together. I was
falling apart and I couldn't keep myself together any longer. Christian was my pain
medication but as my cell phone dinged with his text, I still couldn't find any
reserve. I couldn't find my numbness nor my strength. The hardest part was knowing
what I was going to have to do very, very soon.
I was going to have to kick out my heart and soul.
The reason why I was on my knees was because of him. Because of how he lied and
cheated. The air around me filled with my agonized sob as I thought of how much I
wanted him right now. I wanted him to hold me against him and whisper in my ear that
everything would be okay, that everything was fine and that he loved me more then
anything in the world. His lips against mine was the morphine I needed to stop this
pain. His last name was indefinately stapled to the end of mine and I loved it there-
it was like it belonged there.
And my phone his song for the first time in weeks.
The pain within me flared as I picked up my cell phone to answer even though I
wasn't ready to give up my claim on his heart. I stared at my phone and his name
there as the ringing got louder and ultra focused. It beat at my skull and the scars
on my arms tingled longingly for more. All my sanity was held on this moment.
Would I keep my sanity or lose it?
"Hello?" I was proud my voice wasn't as weak as I felt.
"Hey!Sorry I havn't called. I got in trouble." His voice did weird things to me-
weird things that I hated feeling knowing I couldn't love him anymore.
"Mmm." I gave him all I could.
"So hows school?" He asked, trying to earn a conversation from me.
"Fine." my voice finally giving away my pain.
"Oh." he sighed, "Are you okay?" he asked, truly worried about me. My gut
wrenched in guilt.
"Sure." I mumbled through my grimace.
"Then why are you acting like that?" he pushed his deep voice through my heart.
"What do you mean?" I gasped as the pain increased.
"You're acting weird." he pointed out as the pain started calling for the heat
of my straitener.
"Just a lil' stressed." I winced as I could feel myself inching towards the
second best pain reliever.
"About what?" his words, so innocent, crushed me and my straitener was on. I
hated resorting to this, but I needed the physical to tune out the mental. It was the
closest thing to the amount of pain he caused me.
"Stuff I've been hearing about you." I cracked and gave up to the ocean of pain
that lapped at my painted toes. I could feel the storm inside me raging as the
thoughts of losing Dustin burned as much as the heat against my now scared skin.
So I wheeled on about how he was flirting over the internet and about the
supposed girlfriends over the computer and lastly, about how I was losing trust in
him. All he asked was if I was going to break up with him, and I simply said that I
didn't know. I droned for several more minutes untill he said his good bye and hung
And I lost it.
With a agonized gurgle of a scream, I fell to the floor and cried. The waves of
agony crushed me to the ground and I slipped into the pain. I was no longer going to
go on. I was finished pretending to smile and being happy without him. My life ended
the second I let him go. My heart stopped beating in that very same second along with
my shattered soul.
I would never live without him.