Tuesday, 8 September 2009
09:40:51 PM (GMT)
i feel so weird. i don't want to move from this place. i want to lay here, and
listen to the acoustic version of every pretty song i've ever heard. i want to close
my eyes and think about how it sounds with people laugh. i'm sitting her bawling my
eyes out, with a smile on my face. my vision is sharp and painful, but i feel so
woozy. i'm laughing my heart out, but i can't feel it. the place where my rib cage
connects, kills. it feels like there's something in there, trying to escape. my heart
is beating so slowly. i checked my fucking pulse. it was like 3 beats in 6 seconds.
usually it's like 8 in 6 seconds. i want to fly. i usually have such a tough time
writing anything. but the words are just flowing out of me. my voice doesn't sound
any different. i'm just so different, inside. i don't know what i want to do with
myself. i don't see the point in anything. i feel so un loved. but i can't help
laughing at my pathetic self. i'm sitting here, and i feel like i'm dying. but
there's this glowing content feeling just radiating out of me. i should be
straightening my hair, to look good at school tomorrow, right? wrong. no one even
likes me there anyway. haha. and then i should be doing my homework, right? nope. i'm
failing all my classes and all the homework i have is just late work to make up
because i'm so immature that i have to be TOLD to turn it in, i can't just remember.
so if i turn them in, i'll still get like half my score docked. we watched the obama
education speech today. i thought it was really good. but now, that i'm sitting here,
closing my eyes and listening to my heart beat slow, i feel like i don't even want to
be successful. i don't want money. i don't want a family. i want to live in an
apartment in chicago with the best people in the world. my bitch of a grandma can pay
for the rent. i'll live off limes. i'll never straighten my hair again. i'll play the
piano and sing and play acoustic and smile and cry all day long. i won't do my hair
or work. i'll just not care. because who am i impressing? no one. i feel like i've
wasted so much time.
i feel like i'm so pointless. someone break my flat iron and take all my dad's money.
i don't even give a fuck anymore.
just let this heartbeat slow a few paces more, please